The rage cycles of my uBPD mother

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi everyone.

Thanks for being here and reading this post. It means a lot to me, and I appreciate any comments.
I am realizing that my uBPD mother acts in rage cycles. It is like a bucket that gets filled in, every day little by little, with drama, anger, frustration, whatever she feels. And when that bucket is full she no longer bears her on self, the rage episode will happen at any time, about anything, against myself, my father or my brother. She will pick a fight and try to make the target miserable, will emotionally blackmail, do all the screaming, make herself the victim and end it with the silent treatment - she always uses the horrible unfair silent treatment. I can feel when it's coming and it makes me anxious.

Does anyone have the same feeling? How do you handle it?

Thank you.   

[AskingWhy]

Vanilla Sky, welcom!

There are some great resourced here for people with BPD parents.  A lot of people don't understand why they feel different, and then the lightbulb goes on, and it's an "ah-ha" moment of understanding.

This link might be of help.  :)on't hesitate to engage in the forums.

https://bpdfamily.com/surviving_abuse/01.htm

[Struggles]

Absolutely understand that!  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Before we (myself, my husband and his siblings and their spouses), knew anything about BPD we always referred to the "cycle".  It was like clock work and it would always start with either her (my MIL) raging on my FIL, then move to one of the siblings, then the other until everyone had her rage directed towards them. 

When we started reading about BPD, it was like "wow we have always called it the cycle!"

We always knew when it was coming, and filled with anxiety until the cycles were over.  However, this last cycle has not ended.  It would typically be a couple of weeks at most before.  But this year she has gotten so much worse and her rage cycle has now been going on since the beiginning of September.  She has also resulted in threats to the family, delusions and smear campaigns.  This has caused my husband to go NC with her, and the grandchildren are not allowed to be alone with her because of her unpredictable behavior.

We still haven't mastered how to handle it.  Before we allowed her to go on her rage fits, be so nasty and hurtful and go back to normal.  But, it is so exhausting we are so sick of feeling this way.

[Mariez]

Hey, Vanilla Sky.

Great analogy with the bucket, I couldn't have described my mother's emotions better.  I just went through a rage cycle with my mom too.  First, I'm sorry.  It is tough having a mother with BPD.  I try to avoid the bad rages, because they result in the silent treatment for me too.  I'm actually currently in the worst one in a very long time.  It makes me upset because the last time it happened she didn't talk to me for a year.  I eventually ended up reaching out to her, which she took as an apology.  I just let it her since I didn't want to be "estranged".  I'm not sure how old you are or how long you have known about your mother's condition?  Now that I am a bit older and aware of her BPD, I am riding out this silent treatment - putting my foot down so to speak by not reaching out to her.  I'm viewing it as a nice break actually.  And, just in time for the holidays, when she acts the worst anyhow.  My mother does the exact same thing - she's a bully who thinks she is the victim. If I ever protest that cycle, automatic silent treatment.  I hadn't expected this last one though, because you're right, you can usually feel them coming on.  I actually didn't this time.

From my experience, I get the silent treatment more than anyone else.  Because my mom knows it bothers and hurts me.  So, it's her form of emotional punishment.  My brother, on the other hand, is not affected by it (at least he presents it that way).  So, he rarely gets the silent treatment. 

So, I am going to try out dealing with the silent treatment by not reacting to it and attempting to end it like I always do.  I don't know if it will work yet, but perhaps you could try that?

I let so many boundaries be crossed over the years because I was so afraid of the silent treatment.  I think I was worse off in the long wrong for it.

[pyropsycho]

My uBPD mom is the exact same way. Now that I'm a bit older and on my own, I live pretty far from her and am LC with her. I think everyone has to figure out what's right for them so I'm not trying to say that you should do this, but keeping my distance/being LC has helped me a lot.

Another thing that has been really important for me is being able to recognize and remind myself that the raging and silent treatment are a byproduct of the BPD and that's just her issues, not a reflection of me. I still struggle with this a lot and tend to feel shame for awhile after my mom's rages, though, so it is difficult. A good therapist can be really helpful in sorting through all of this.