Hello all! I've been reading this forum the last few days with great interest.
I met a man about 7 months ago. He was different. Charismatic, exciting, affectionate, extraordinarily talented with music, deeply introspective, and a big daredevil. He called me EVERY day and we would talk for hours. He bought me gifts that were sweet and personal. He swept me off my feet. Things were going magically until they weren't. Before we had met I'd planned a vacation, and while we were dating I invited him to come. He eagerly agreed. However when the time came, he never said anything about it so I figured he'd lost interest in the trip and I went alone. During that time I sort of kept to myself and did not communicate with him much, but when we did speak he was over the moon about us.
The day I came back he sat me down on the couch and tried to break up with me and that he was going to move states in a few months. I was floored. It came out of nowhere. Unfortunately I did not let him leave me, and thus began our cycle of on-again off-again. We lasted about 3 more months, during which he'd say I was the longest "relationship" he'd been in since his parents died, that meeting his sisters meant a lot in terms of how serious we are, that this was the most open and honest relationship he'd ever been in... .
He has a dark history. His father killed his mother and then committed suicide 6 years ago. My ex's father was inordinately hard on him as a kid; nothing my ex did was ever right. I became my ex's "emotional sponge." He cried to me about his life; I listened to him complain about how his ex's cheated on him or lied to him; he drank too much and would frequently call me, absolutely hammered, and go on about how he didn't think he could love anyone, that he was destined to be alone. All of his relationships in the last 6 years would only last a few months before he ultimately ended them. Everything that had gone wrong in his life was the fault of someone else. He had major highs and lows. One day he'd be excited, the next day his life was horrible and he would tell me he was thinking of suicide (though he claimed he'd never actually do it). He was constantly telling me he didn't want to hurt me, that he hated hurting people.
I walked on eggshells around him. I learned very quickly on that he remembers EVERYTHING and overanalyses EVERYTHING. He would take a completely benign comment and twist it into criticism. For example, one time I said to him "I have a headache today, I drank too much with you yesterday!" He interpreted that as an insult directed at him and got very defensive. To me it was just... .a comment.
In his defense I was not an angel either. He did try to end things in his own way, several times, but I never quite let him. He would tell me how he wanted to be in a relationship, but his anger and bitterness always ruined it. One time I left him. I told him I thought that's what he wanted, and I walked away. He came back to me a week later. It was back and forth, back and forth. I had no idea what we were doing.
I was miserable. It came to a head when one day I sat him down and told him I thought he needed professional help and possibly medication. He was very quiet, but over the next few days he expressed his anger via text. How dare I say that to him. Everyone has problems.
He's in charge of his problems, not anyone else. My concern was unwarranted (that hurt). Maybe
I needed help, not him. Etc. etc. He was always big on self help books... .very anti therapy and meds. He told me he'd gone to therapy after his parents died but it never worked so he was committed to dealing with everything on his own. He said up until that comment I had never done anything wrong in his eyes.
I proceeded to be blamed for everything. Finally he broke up with me, saying maybe things could have continued but he couldn't forget that comment. I took on the typical role of the dumpee and apologized profusely. We ended it there... .or so I thought. During the time after our breakup he proceeded to move to a new city.
3 weeks later I was stupid and looked at his facebook account. He had a new picture of him with a girl. One of our friends that we'd made together as a couple commented "I know those people!" so I knew this girl was around while we had been dating. I was super hurt and texted him, telling him how painful it was to see that and I couldn't believe he'd cheated on me.
He said some horrible things including "I wanted to break up with you several times but you guilted me into staying," and "Every time you said 'I love you' I felt pressured to stay with you." He claimed I always sent mixed messages to him, and he ended it telling me never to talk to him again. 2 days later he came back and claimed he never cheated on me. We spoke on the phone for a few minutes. I told him how deeply his words hurt me, and he said something like "I'd never spend so much time talking to someone just out of guilt, you know?" which I took as some kind of apology.
He then told me in the 3 weeks after our breakup he'd been arrested for a DUI, his friend was arrested for a DUI at a separate time, AND he'd been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. I asked him how he was handling that and he just said "Oh I'm going to limit myself to 2 beers a day now." Our conversation ended on neutral terms. He said to me, "All is forgiven," which really burned me, like everything was my fault.
Anyhow for the first few days I was devastated, but reading through this forum has me thinking there's a very good chance he's a uBPD and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to make this relationship successful, so I am actually coping pretty well. I am 99.9% sure he will never contact me again, and the sick part of me wants him to so badly, but the logical part of me knows it's for the best if he doesn't.
That's my story! I'm going to get some therapy to help figure out WHY I stayed with him for so long, but I think in the long run this will be a huge learning experience for me. Thank you for reading.
