Thanks Skip,
Hi all. It's been a few days since I logged on, but yesterday I realized just how helpful that you all have been. I can't thank you enough for the advice and encouragement as I navigate through my situation. I also want to thank you guys for not allowing me to just assume the role of victim and keep me on track to improving my situation.
Skip, I'll definitely look into the ramifications of moving out. I know that a big stipulation is the fact that everything is in her name. I know... .you are all shaking your heads. Don't worry I shake mine all the time. My uBPDw purchased the property while we were separated (divorced if you ask her... .still no paperwork filed). And while there have been conversations about adding me to the deed, this is the same woman who hasn't referred to our children as "ours" in as long as i can remember. And to my own chagrin I have called her selfish, territorial, and some other synonyms that she repeatedly reminds me of.
I am trying to keep myself level headed through this. While I haven't posted myself, I have read many other people's posts and I'm trying to learn and implement the ways of the BPD Masters. Harnessing the force within me in order to combat the darkside (within us both). I keep reading the lessons on "Surviving confrontation and disrespect"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923]As for recovering the relationship, its best not to lay in wait and try to please her at every turn... .she will see that as weakness and it won't help. I would start building a cool, independent life with kids and others and also be very nice and attractive to her.
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Hi all. It's been a few days since I logged on, but yesterday I realized just how helpful that you all have been. I can't thank you enough for the advice and encouragement as I navigate through my situation. I also want to thank you guys for not allowing me to just assume the role of victim and keep me on track to improving my situation.
Skip, I'll definitely look into the ramifications of moving out. I know that a big stipulation is the fact that everything is in her name. I know... .you are all shaking your heads. Don't worry I shake mine all the time. My uBPDw purchased the property while we were separated (divorced if you ask her... .still no paperwork filed). And while there have been conversations about adding me to the deed, this is the same woman who hasn't referred to our children as "ours" in as long as i can remember. And to my own chagrin I have called her selfish, territorial, and some other synonyms that she repeatedly reminds me of.
I am trying to keep myself level headed through this. While I haven't posted myself, I have read many other people's posts and I'm trying to learn and implement the ways of the BPD Masters. Harnessing the force within me in order to combat the darkside (within us both). I keep reading the lessons on "Surviving confrontation and disrespect"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923 and "How to respond to heightend emotions"
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168004.msg11986938#msg11986938. I think they will have dramatic impact on fostering a better relationship and improving communication between us. Had I done my homework two days ago, I may have been able to handle her dysregulation two nights ago. Background: I moved out to the unfinished guest house across the yard. My wife and I run a business from our home, so I am still at the house the majority of the day. But, I try stay off the second floor where her bedroom and the kids' rooms are. In the week I've been out of the house, I have pretty much only gone up there to tuck my kids in. I do that because she feels that me being upstairs, takes away from her personal space. I have been trying to give her space, so it hasn't been that difficult of a request for me to fulfill. However, she was out at the bar, and I stayed home with the kids. Because I have been seeing less of them (they generally hang out upstairs in their room or my wife's huge room/living room) while I work downstairs, i decided to go up to their room to play some video games with them. When she got home and saw us, she became enraged. Saying that "I wouldn't come upstairs to get/do their laundry, but i feel its OK to come upstairs and play video games". I immediately went into the defensive, asking what was wrong with me spending time with our kids? She came back with the accusation that I never spend time with them (which is untrue, I often play games with them, its just that she is at the bar usually). And I always do their laundry on Saturday, and this happened on Friday. (Laundry is done by the way). She then continued to tell me that I had no respect for her boundaries, and hadn't since 8 months ago when she told me to move out. I bother didn't point out to her the fact that we have been broken up for only two months. And that in the time she refers to we were not necessarily-happily-married, but mutually in agreement about the fact that we were married.
But the point is I realized after rereading about communication with pwBPD that i was not listening to the underlying things she was saying. She has always had issues with feeling trapped or pressured and she definitely seemed to feel that i was encroaching on her space. She also has underlying feelings that I make her look like a bad parent. I can see how she would feel that I was trying to "outshine" her. And to make matters worse the kids witnessed/heard the whole loud shouting match, which I am sure made her feel like a bad example to our kids. (we routinely have to talk to the kids about controlling their emotions and not throwing tantrums). All in all I could have handled it better. I was completely invalidating, didn't enforce/set any boundaries, and still haven't talked about. And like the lesson says, and my uBPDw consistently reinforces "an ounce of invalidation will outweigh pounds of validation". If I want things to get better, I have to quit digging myself deeper in the hole.
Perhaps I am being naive, but I still believe there is a future between us. Perhaps I wouldn't if this was the first time something like this happened, but unfortunately it isn't. And maybe that is a fatal flaw within me that I continue to expose myself to this. But I think you have to a be a little off to want to be married to someone with BPD anyway.
As for recovering the relationship, its best not to lay in wait and try to please her at every turn... .she will see that as weakness and it won't help. I would start building a cool, independent life with kids and others and also be very nice and attractive to her.
I will try to follow your advice about building my own life though. My only fear is that I have done it before, only to have to give it all up when we get back together. As you know, pwBPD don't like when the attention is not on them. She once told me that the only reason I coach football is to get away from her. Couldn't be farther from the truth. I literally have a complex about leaving the house or having friends. Then again, I can't just keep moping about waiting for her to change either. The worst thing is that she calls me on that all the time. Her words "What? You think I'm just going to change my mind all of a sudden? I DON"T LOVE YOU!" Pretty harsh to have to hear.
Any advice?
