Conversations with my psychotherapist

[Depression = 72% of members]

I would like to share some parts of my conversations with my psychotherapist about my past r/s with pwBPD to those of you who maybe can't afford to go to therapy or haven't decided to to that yet. I strongly, strongly, strongly! suggest counselling.  Every time I get out of her office, my mind is little less foggy and clearer and a part of the weight was lifted of my shoulder.  Hearing the professional saying words like "thank God that you got out when you did" and "these people can make your life a living hell" puts my mind at ease and disciplines my heart and removes lingering heartache... .I would probably get to that phase by myself in time, but talking to her speeds up the process.

She shared some of her experiences with me about people with BPD she had treated. They called her on private phone during the night, threatening suicide, or telling that they took a bunch of pills etc... .one patient with BPD nearly costed her job in the hospital, and then she (my doctor) decided not to treat her anymore. This was the second time this week that I heard from two seperate sources that the psychiatrist refused to treat a pwBPD... .that only confirms general opinion that doctors don't like to have them as patients and that they're difficult to work with.

She said- general public doesn't understand what emotional disability means; they think that the person quickly changes moods. Or the pwBPD would say about himself/herself that they can be moody, changing emotions quickly, be impulsive etc... .you have to spend some time being very close ti them to understand what that really means and what an agony it is. She said several times that they can make a hell out of your life and that she's treating more people that are/were emotionally inclined with people with BPD than the actual people with BPD.

She said there is a little room for improvement with them, if any.

She said it's not uncommon for them to want to marry you one day or actually marry you and start hating you the next, or even want to kill you the next day. Their everchanging emotions can make them dangerous to both emotional and physical health of others. People that were in longer r/s with them can become mentaly unwell themselves, in need of hospitalisation, becoming suicidal or commit suicide. It's an awful dangerous situation.

She spoke from the experience. She had a BPD bf herself when she was in college, so she knows first hand what the relationships with them can do.

She advised me strongly to take care of myself and be gentle with myself and not to communicate with him ever again.

Reading boards helps, yt videos on that subject help, talking to friends and family help, but meeting her eye to eye (I met her 5 times so far and will continue to do that till I purge myself emotionally enough) and hearing her professional opinion and her experiences as a doctor that works with those people, makes me strong in my decision and determination to put all that mess behind me and start building a healthier life for myself.

[itgetsbetter94]

I would like to share some parts of my conversations with my psychotherapist about my past r/s with pwBPD to those of you who maybe can't afford to go to therapy or haven't decided to to that yet. I strongly, strongly, strongly! suggest counselling.  Every time I get out of her office, my mind is little less foggy and clearer and a part of the weight was lifted of my shoulder.  Hearing the professional saying words like "thank God that you got out when you did" and "these people can make your life a living hell" puts my mind at ease and disciplines my heart and removes lingering heartache... .I would probably get to that phase by myself in time, but talking to her speeds up the process.

She shared some of her experiences with me about people with BPD she had treated. They called her on private phone during the night, threatening suicide, or telling that they took a bunch of pills etc... .one patient with BPD nearly costed her job in the hospital, and then she (my doctor) decided not to treat her anymore. This was the second time this week that I heard from two seperate sources that the psychiatrist refused to treat a pwBPD... .that only confirms general opinion that doctors don't like to have them as patients and that they're difficult to work with.

She said- general public doesn't understand what emotional disability means; they think that the person quickly changes moods. Or the pwBPD would say about himself/herself that they can be moody, changing emotions quickly, be impulsive etc... .you have to spend some time being very close ti them to understand what that really means and what an agony it is. She said several times that they can make a hell out of your life and that she's treating more people that are/were emotionally inclined with people with BPD than the actual people with BPD.

She said there is a little room for improvement with them, if any.

She said it's not uncommon for them to want to marry you one day or actually marry you and start hating you the next, or even want to kill you the next day. Their everchanging emotions can make them dangerous to both emotional and physical health of others. People that were in longer r/s with them can become mentaly unwell themselves, in need of hospitalisation, becoming suicidal or commit suicide. It's an awful dangerous situation.

She spoke from the experience. She had a BPD bf herself when she was in college, so she knows first hand what the relationships with them can do.

She advised me strongly to take care of myself and be gentle with myself and not to communicate with him ever again.

Reading boards helps, yt videos on that subject help, talking to friends and family help, but meeting her eye to eye (I met her 5 times so far and will continue to do that till I purge myself emotionally enough) and hearing her professional opinion and her experiences as a doctor that works with those people, makes me strong in my decision and determination to put all that mess behind me and start building a healthier life for myself.

[MeandThee29]

That's a very powerful post. About a month ago the clinical psychologist that is treating my youngest asked me to come in for the last part of the appointment. She stressed that if BPD is treated, it's very much a long haul. She's in her 70's and has been practicing for about 30 years, and she's had only two that improved enough to stay in relationships long-term that she is aware of. Having seen my husband a decade ago for his PTSD and earlier this year after his suicide attempt, she said that he would first have to come to the point of admitting that he has a problem, and then he'd have to stick with therapy. She wasn't optimistic.

[ateu]

Thank you for this post!

It's reassuring to hear, there I am also struggling with feelings after the breakup, that maybe I was the unstable one etc.

I really have done some things in this relationship that I never could see myself doing. It feels like he was acting so crazy and I responded with anger and distress. I never thought I would do things like that, but I have pushed him up the wall in the middle of the street and just yelled in his face. And I am the calmest person on earth normally. They just have a way of twisting everything.

When I read your post I remember that my ex had a friend of a friend, that would always freeze when she saw him. She said she can't stand him and she made one of his friends to take distance from him.

She is a psychologist.

[Wolfsocks]

Thank you for sharing! Your therapist sounds like a very skilled person and I hope I will find someone like her when I start therapy.

[itgetsbetter94]

Funny thing is that my psychiatrist knows my ex's psychiatrist, and they are friends of facebook, and she was very surprised when I told her that my ex and his psychiatrist are also fb friends, and were communicating via messages and phone calls (besides the regular therapy) during the entire course of our relationship. My ex simply has that kind of relationship with his doctor, they are more like friends then patient and doctor. She said "how can he (his doctor) have that kind of relationship with him if he knows thag his diagnosis is F60 (cluster B, emotional disability)?"... .and then she mentioned that every time her private phone has leaked, BPD patients used it to call her and threat they are about to commit suicide.
That's exactly what happened with my ex. During his first breakdown while he was with me, he became suicidal and scared the hell out of me. He called multiple times his doctor to tell him that, but the doctor was on some sort of education abroad and didn't pick up. :-/ He calleds him and texted multiple times and doctor didn't react. Finally, I texted his doctor and asked him to return his call, that I don't know what to do any more. He'd seen my msg, didn't respond, but he did call my ex after that.
So having no boundaries can only backlash.  I see that they're still fb friends, but I think it's playing with fire and counterproductive. :-/
I honestly think that my ex chose this doctor because he is young, unexperienced and easy to manipulate. He has changed 5 doctors so far, and I believe he didn't like the previous ones because they didn't dance to the beat of his drum. This one even found his a job, and a very good one.
My doctor said that it's possible that my ex worked his magic on his doctor... .

I read somewhere that it's possible that some BPD patients use their therapy and their psychiatrist only as another source of suppy. Another person who is giving them attention. If they are highly intelligent, as my ex most definitely was, they can crawl under the doctor's skin and develop this pseudo friendship relationship where they can say that they are indeed in the therapy and trying to get better, when in fact they are only further practicing their manipulation skills. I even believe my ex used on ME some of the techniques he learned in his therapy and that the therapy only made him better at it.

[itgetsbetter94]

Funny thing is that my psychiatrist knows my ex's psychiatrist, and they are friends on facebook, and she was very surprised when I told her that my ex and his psychiatrist are also fb friends, and were communicating via messages and phone calls (besides the regular therapy) during the entire course of our relationship. My ex simply has that kind of relationship with his doctor, they are more like friends then patient and doctor. She said "how can he (his doctor) have that kind of relationship with him if he knows thag his diagnosis is F60 (cluster B, emotional disability)?"... .and then she mentioned that every time her private phone has leaked, BPD patients used it to call her and threat they are about to commit suicide.
That's exactly what happened with my ex. During his first breakdown while he was with me, he became suicidal and scared the hell out of me. He called multiple times his doctor to tell him that, but the doctor was on some sort of education abroad and didn't pick up. :-/ He calleds him and texted multiple times and doctor didn't react. Finally, I texted his doctor and asked him to return his call, that I don't know what to do any more. He'd seen my msg, didn't respond, but he did call my ex after that.
So having no boundaries can only backlash.  I see that they're still fb friends, but I think it's playing with fire and counterproductive. :-/
I honestly think that my ex chose this doctor because he is young, unexperienced and easy to manipulate. He has changed 5 doctors so far, and I believe he didn't like the previous ones because they didn't dance to the beat of his drum. This one even found his a job, and a very good one.
My doctor said that it's possible that my ex worked his magic on his doctor... .

I read somewhere that it's possible that some BPD patients use their therapy and their psychiatrist only as another source of suppy. Another person who is giving them attention. If they are highly intelligent, as my ex most definitely was, they can crawl under the doctor's skin and develop this pseudo friendship relationship where they can say that they are indeed in the therapy and trying to get better, when in fact they are only further practicing their manipulation skills. I even believe my ex used on ME some of the techniques he learned in his therapy and that the therapy only made him better at it.

[araneina]

She shared some of her experiences with me about people with BPD she had treated. They called her on private phone during the night, threatening suicide, or telling that they took a bunch of pills etc... .

My ex did this a few times.  He'd call me late at night SUPER drunk and talk about suicide... .it was horrible for me.  He usually would fall asleep on the phone because he was so wasted.  I'd hang up the phone with him and start crying.  He dumped me cruelly claiming he only stayed with me out of pity.  I try not to think of the drunken phone calls... .I can't believe I put up with it.

I think therapy is a great idea for many of us who suffered in these relationships.  I can't wait to get into therapy myself.

[itgetsbetter94]

My ex did this a few times.  He'd call me late at night SUPER drunk and talk about suicide... .it was horrible for me.  He usually would fall asleep on the phone because he was so wasted.  I'd hang up the phone with him and start crying.  He dumped me cruelly claiming he only stayed with me out of pity.  I try not to think of the drunken phone calls... .I can't believe I put up with it.

I think therapy is a great idea for many of us who suffered in these relationships.  I can't wait to get into therapy myself.

My ex was is this quasi suicidal (manipulative) state for about a week. He was saying things over the phone like "I'm holding the gun in my hands, I'm going to shoot myself, I promise!". I was trembling like a leaf on the water. I called his mother and told her that. Her words were "we're listening for 7 years straight that he's going to kill himself. Trust me, he want. He loves himself too much to do that." She even acknowledged that "his illness manifests in him wanting his loved ones to be afraid whether he would do something to himself", without saying a word about PD. He and his family never said a word to me about his BPD, they only talked about his depression.
In the end of that ordeal, he confessed he never had gun in the first place. He said something among the lines "I was so stupid, I had a good offer for the gun this year, I should have bought it."
Highest and cruelest form of manipulation.

He wanted the whole world to love him and understand him and have compassion for him. The best thing is- he had that. Despite everything, he had many friends by his side, his family, his doctor, me. He had that (unconditional) love he craved so much. But it was never enough for him.
He never took somebody's hand and said "thank you" and felt comfort and relief and took that love to feel safe. He tried to bite every hand that was offered to him. Loving and helping him was futile, unrewarding thing.

I think, at some point we all became his enablers.

[ateu]

Despite everything, he had many friends by his side, his family, his doctor, me. He had that (unconditional) love he craved so much. But it was never enough for him.
He never took somebody's hand and said "thank you" and felt comfort and relief and took that love to feel safe. He tried to bite every hand that was offered to him. Loving and helping him was futile, unrewarding thing.

I think, at some point we all became his enablers.

My ex is the same. He always pushed everyone to their limit and more. Then he felt sorry for himself when people can't take it anymore.

He used to call me often this last year, also drunk, also treathening to commit suicide. He talked about pills, he cut himself. He could finish our conversation with "now I will jump out of the window".

In the beginning I stayed up all night talking, trying to console him. But after this has happened so many times the last year, I gave up.

I started saying to him "I really hope you won't kill yourself, and I love you. But now I am hanging up because I must sleep".

Funny enough that seemed to help. He didn't call so many times and treathened after that.

But he had no idea how damaging this has been to me. No clue. After one of his drunken breakdowns he would just text me in the morning : "Hey baby". Like nothing happened. While I was still in emotional distress.

He did the same thing with some of his closest friends. If they would cancel a night with him, he could call and say "do you have spare keys to my apartment? You could need them, because I will do something very bad to myself".

All manipulation, all playing on FOG.

No wonder I feel damaged today.

[once removed]

start building a healthier life for myself.

is your therapist helping with this? what steps are you taking?

[itgetsbetter94]

is your therapist helping with this? what steps are you taking?

She's helping me to put things into perspective.  My situation is somewhat complicated because it doesn't include only my ex pwBPD but also my relationship of 5 years with my nonBPD bf, who I left for the BPD one. So basically, I'm getting over two relationships at once. One very long one and one short, but intense and toxic.

I'm trying to meet more friends, from which I have removed myself over the years. Becoming social being again, because in that previous long relationship, I kind of closed myself to the world. It was only him and me for years. Not 100% of time, but at least 85%.

I set my goals for the future and made this renewed 5 year plan for my education and career.

I'm not doing everything at once, I'm taking small steps, one at the time.

I'm adapting to be single and live alone again. Being alone was my biggest fear and now I'm facing that... .I'm redecorating my apartment, making it cosier and lovelier to live in for me... .started working out... .thinking about my physical shape and health more. Renewing my wardrobe (I tossed a lot of my old clothes and other stuff) and other accessories that make me happy... .changing for the better in general.

Mod note: Split from: Conversations with my psychotherapist

[once removed]

So basically, I'm getting over two relationships at once.

a tall order, no doubt. im glad youre getting support.

I kind of closed myself to the world. It was only him and me for years. Not 100% of time, but at least 85%.

not an easy adjustment either!

I set my goals for the future and made this renewed 5 year plan for my education and career.

I'm not doing everything at once, I'm taking small steps, one at the time.

I'm adapting to be single and live alone again. Being alone was my biggest fear and now I'm facing that... .I'm redecorating my apartment, making it cosier and lovelier to live in for me... .started working out... .thinking about my physical shape and health more. Renewing my wardrobe (I tossed a lot of my old clothes and other stuff) and other accessories that make me happy... .changing for the better in general.

great steps 

[itgetsbetter94]

great steps 

Thank you.

It's all new and fresh for me. With new begginings, it's always frightening and exciting at the same time... .

[araneina]

My ex was is this quasi suicidal (manipulative) state for about a week. He was saying things over the phone like "I'm holding the gun in my hands, I'm going to shoot myself, I promise!". I was trembling like a leaf on the water. I called his mother and told her that. Her words were "we're listening for 7 years straight that he's going to kill himself. Trust me, he want. He loves himself too much to do that." She even acknowledged that "his illness manifests in him wanting his loved ones to be afraid whether he would do something to himself", without saying a word about PD. He and his family never said a word to me about his BPD, they only talked about his depression.
In the end of that ordeal, he confessed he never had gun in the first place. He said something among the lines "I was so stupid, I had a good offer for the gun this year, I should have bought it."
Highest and cruelest form of manipulation.

He wanted the whole world to love him and understand him and have compassion for him. The best thing is- he had that. Despite everything, he had many friends by his side, his family, his doctor, me. He had that (unconditional) love he craved so much. But it was never enough for him.
He never took somebody's hand and said "thank you" and felt comfort and relief and took that love to feel safe. He tried to bite every hand that was offered to him. Loving and helping him was futile, unrewarding thing.

I think, at some point we all became his enablers.

Wow... .very similar for me.  I once said to him "You told me you were thinking of suicide, why are you so mad that I suggested therapy?" and he would INSIST that he was only "talking" about suicide, that he had too many things on his bucket list to finish, he would never actually do it.  But he ALSO told me that he once picked up his gun and sat on his bed for several hours, contemplating suicide.  How is that not supposed to disturb me?

Ugh... .I just can't believe he was so cruel to me at the end, threw me away, and is potentially already with another girl after he put me through that.  It hurts a lot.

[MeandThee29]

I read somewhere that it's possible that some BPD patients use their therapy and their psychiatrist only as another source of supply. Another person who is giving them attention. If they are highly intelligent, as my ex most definitely was, they can crawl under the doctor's skin and develop this pseudo friendship relationship where they can say that they are indeed in the therapy and trying to get better, when in fact they are only further practicing their manipulation skills. I even believe my ex used on ME some of the techniques he learned in his therapy and that the therapy only made him better at it.

My therapist mentioned this. She said that you have to have the right person to handle them. Some therapists know that it's not a strength for them, and wisely refuse. A few take them on and make them worse.

She's in her 70's and knows all the games. We call her "the prophet" because she's so good at predicting human behavior.

[itgetsbetter94]

Wow... .very similar for me.  I once said to him "You told me you were thinking of suicide, why are you so mad that I suggested therapy?" and he would INSIST that he was only "talking" about suicide, that he had too many things on his bucket list to finish, he would never actually do it.  But he ALSO told me that he once picked up his gun and sat on his bed for several hours, contemplating suicide.  How is that not supposed to disturb me?

Ugh... .I just can't believe he was so cruel to me at the end, threw me away, and is potentially already with another girl after he put me through that.  It hurts a lot.

It hurts like hell. Although I'm doing better, and it's been two months since I've last heard from him, I'm still very hurt and heart broken. I have good and bad days. Today is kind of bad. I brought it on myself though. Last night I looked at his fb profile and ofc found something upsetting.  I always get triggered when I visit his fb. I really should stop doing it. It always takes me few steps back in my recovery.  :-/

Take care of yourself.  Baby steps, one step at the time and we'll get over it.

[itgetsbetter94]

My therapist mentioned this. She said that you have to have the right person to handle them. Some therapists know that it's not a strength for them, and wisely refuse. A few take them on and make them worse.

She's in her 70's and knows all the games. We call her "the prophet" because she's so good at predicting human behavior.

I don't know if his doctor made him worse, but he sure as hell didn't make him any better. :-/ Everyone who is still in ongoing relationship with pwBPD have high hopes about therapy, but I'm really not so sure... .
My ex was actively seeking and getting treatment, was in the hospital for 6 months, taking a lot of meds, but I really can't see that any of that helped him. Tbh, I was his shortest relationship, so his cycle might have become faster and he had a breakdown faster than before all that therapy... .