need a practical tip right away (first post)

[mixnmatch]

Hey everyone, I have been on here reading for a few weeks and appreciate all you have offered. This is my first post- I ran into a situation I could use some quick suggestions on.
Quick background- I have been married to my wife for over two decades and am just now recognizing the signs of BPD; they have been there all along but I am just slow We have several children (all ours) and are both very faithful Christians. I do not believe in divorce, although she is threatening this now. She has before so there is precedent; she has never followed through but it throws me for a loop every time.
This last episode was set off about 4 1/2 months ago by a bedroom incident. She claims I tried to have... ahem... "unnatural" intercourse with her while she was asleep and has progressively escalated this to rape accusations. BTW, when the incident happened it was not a big deal and we had normal relations the very next night with no problems. I (truly) believe I was engaging in foreplay, that she was awake, and that it was "natural" if you get my drift.
Here is the issue; she wants me to apologize and admit that I have raped her. I didn't. I have been using a lot of the tools on here with some success but this is our big (huge) stumbling block. I have tried to state that I am sorry for making her feel uncomfortable and validate her feelings, and this is very true. I am deeply sorry for hurting her. But I am certain she wants a 100% admittance of what she sees; rape. How do I convey my apology and still maintain the truth? If I just agree with her this will be used against me later, I 100% guarantee it.
Please feel free to post back immediately as this is sort of a time sensitive question.
Thanks in advance

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[hope2727]

I am sorry you are enduring this. Please do not admit to something that didn't happen. It sets a dangerous precedent. Keep validating the valid but don't validate the invalid. It is tough but you can do this. There may com e a point where you have to draw a line and say no that is not the case and I won't dignify it with any further discussion. Expect an extinction burst.

Do you have a therapist? Does she? Have you discussed it there?

Ok keep posting.

[GaGrl]

There are legal repercussions to such an admission... .spousal rape charges. Do not admit or apologize.

[mixnmatch]

There are legal repercussions to such an admission... .spousal rape charges. Do not admit or apologize.

Thanks for the good advice, it is good to have clarity when I feel so confused by emotional responses. One of my good friends gave the same advice.
I am in counseling but could not reach my counselor on the weekend. She is too, but is undiagnosed as of yet and does not share anything with me regarding counseling. Will keep posting.

[pearlsw]

Hi mixnmatch,

Welcome to the boards!

This is a very delicate issue, and I want to acknowledge this is not easy to put out in front of others to pick over a bit. It is not for us to take sides, but if you will allow me I want to ask you some thought-provoking questions to help clear this up if possible.

It is hard to say with exactitude what is going on here. Perhaps the term "rape" does not fit, but would you agree with the implication of your wife's words that she feels violated in some way? Or she is making this up for other reasons?

Even in marriage, consent must be clear. I know I have had partner's where I could say "feel free to wake me during the night for sexual activity" and things worked out perfectly fine with that. It rarely happened, but it was an option that was possible because of a clear sense of mutual desire and trust. With my current partner I would feel less willing to say such a thing. In fact, I probably said it early on, but frankly, that offer no longer stands for us. I don't want to be awoken anymore for sex in my current relationship.

Also, having sex the next two nights does not change or reveal anything about the incident in question.

If she is calling this sexual activity "unnatural" and you see it as "natural" that may be part of what is escalating her language on this. Is that a possibility? Did you discuss trying this activity before you tried it or was it introduced by touch only on the night in question?

You say you believe she was awake, but was she? What does she say about it now? Does she feel she did not consent? Even if she did consent at the time, she appears to be having regrets about it. Is that possibly the case? If so, why might she be having a change of heart? Because this sexual activity was "unnatural" to her and she regrets it now and does not want to do it again? Does she feel it violates her values in some way?

Just because our partner's have BPD or BPD traits does not mean their feelings are wrong, they are lying, or they can't change their minds about what they want sexually. I honestly don't know what happened here. Maybe she was nervous to say no, maybe she didn't know what you were trying to do, maybe she felt she had to comply because you are married, maybe she is making up a reason to push you away, who knows.

If you did not rape her, you did not rape her and of course you should stand your ground. But I think it is important to be sure that the definitions around rape and sexual assault are clear - even in marriage this can happen. Was she forced or pressured into doing something she did not want to do? Did she consent or not consent? Why is she is still upset 4.5 months later? Is it all made up from her side and you need to protect yourself from false accusations, or is there more here to uncover and understand? I can't say, but I know this is not easy to sort out alone. I hope you feel you have a chance to look deeper into this here with us if you so desire.

Wishing you both peace!

[mixnmatch]

Thanks for your responses. I don't want to elaborate too much here, but suffice it to say that she has told several people different versions of the story; including my counselor (without me there). My counselor is confident it was not rape.
I will say that she does feel violated; and I want to acknowledge this. I believe though that these are "old" wounds that I am triggering because of other past issues, and we have been through this before.
I love her and want to work through these things.

[pearlsw]

Oh okay. Again, I want you to have space to discuss this and not step on toes or make assumptions. I know how awkward this can be!

Was she abused in the past? Is that part of the issue?

[Skip]

The social phenomenon in recent days regarding "non-criminal" sexual grieviences. Women and gay men are empowered by the press and motivated to disclose sexual grievances for the past (some times decades) and have social punishments inflicted on the accused.

Some of the sexual grievances are pretty atrocious... .some are pretty minor... .and its all being sweep into a nationwide feeding frenzy.

Surely this is affecting your wife.

My practical advice is to just lay low (don't bring this subject up) and don't JADE or repeat your apologies. You can simply say, "we covered this, already", I don't have more to add..

If she hangs on and pushes it, I would suggest going with her for counseling at a rape center.

This will be out of the media soon... .She will get a lot of validation there. They will also bring some perspective. She is more likely to listen to them than you at this point.

[mixnmatch]

Thank you both. Yes, past abuse prior to me is a huge factor here.
Hanging tight as suggested... .