Day 11, calls and texts every day, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My husband moved out 10/31. Today is my birthday, he said to me before he moved "Oh! and don't you think I'm doing ANYTHING for your birthday" and then he laughed maniacally.

He calls every day. I don't answer, then he texts. "Is everything alright?" I am having a real hard time with this. I cannot stop thinking about the horrible things he said about our daughters. Then these calls texts are all about them. I guess it is to be expected, but just seeing his name pop up on my phone gives me anxiety. I changed it to just his first initial just so I don't have to see his full name.

There is a side of me that wants him in my kid's life, there is the other side that remembers "F* these children" and "I hate you, I hate those kids" - I know these things were said in a rage, and I know he feels shame and all, it's just so hard to forget!

How can I have no contact when he won't stop contacting me? Do I tell him, or just remain silent?

[so_overit]

My husband moved out 10/31. Today is my birthday, he said to me before he moved "Oh! and don't you think I'm doing ANYTHING for your birthday" and then he laughed maniacally.

He calls every day. I don't answer, then he texts. "Is everything alright?" I am having a real hard time with this. I cannot stop thinking about the horrible things he said about our daughters. Then these calls texts are all about them. I guess it is to be expected, but just seeing his name pop up on my phone gives me anxiety. I changed it to just his first initial just so I don't have to see his full name.

There is a side of me that wants him in my kid's life, there is the other side that remembers "F* these children" and "I hate you, I hate those kids" - I know these things were said in a rage, and I know he feels shame and all, it's just so hard to forget!

How can I have no contact when he won't stop contacting me? Do I tell him, or just remain silent?

[EdR]

Hi there!

First of all happy birthday!

I do not know any specifics about your situation, so it is hard to truly give an informed reply.

BPD or not, I always like to look at both sides of the story. From his perspective, being extremely cynical, sarcastic or even mean regarding your birthday does not sound odd given the circumstances of being kicked out. But then... .this is just based on the little info I have here.

I do understand you want some distance to be able to process what has happened to you. So I guess that's why you went NC.
Again, looking at both sides, it is not clear to me how you communicated this to him.
Did you clearly and calmly indicate that you are hurt and need this time to reflect? Did you say that to achieve that you require distance? Did you explain that therefore you ask him not to contact you?

If you did all that, I would say you are in the clear and you could continue to go NC if desired.
But otherwise I would consider it to be a Silent Treatment.

I am really sorry if this may sound harsh! That's not my intention. It's just that I was hurt in the past pretty badly by the ST and sometimes people seem to confuse NC with the ST. So to me clear communication at the start of NC is key.

[so_overit]

I don't think you are harsh. I asked him to give me some time, that I need some distance to process all of it. I asked that he just email or text. I repeated this today after he called. He said ok. Then 3 hours later called again. I am not trying to silent treatment but the days leading up to him moving were so incredibly horrible and harsh. Just still am in shock and my kids, sadly, tell me they don't want to talk to him right now. I asked them to today, because I don't think it is good that there is zero contact... .but he got really cruel at the end so I can see why they are afraid. I think the 3 of us are having PTSD (mild, but there).

[EdR]

I don't think you are harsh. I asked him to give me some time, that I need some distance to process all of it. I asked that he just email or text. I repeated this today after he called. He said ok. Then 3 hours later called again. I am not trying to silent treatment but the days leading up to him moving were so incredibly horrible and harsh. Just still am in shock and my kids, sadly, tell me they don't want to talk to him right now. I asked them to today, because I don't think it is good that there is zero contact... .but he got really cruel at the end so I can see why they are afraid. I think the 3 of us are having PTSD (mild, but there).

Thank you for clarifying and for your kind words. I can give an example of some of the possible confusement: at some points in time I thought my p(erson)wBPD wanted to be left alone. She gave quite confusing signals. Within her group of friends I seemed to be painted black, but in person she seemed to state the opposite.
So I basically texted or e-mailed her a few times that I wanted to talk about this. But when she refused I basically sent her that I respected 'what I thought to be her wish' and would go NC.
However, she would immediately reply every single time that that wasn't what she wanted. She never wanted to explain herself in a normal conversation though... .so I would ask her about it by text or e-mail. Most of the time 'nothing was the matter' (yeah right) and she specifically said she wanted to stay in contact. I followed her directions by the &#@*$%^@* LETTER, but everytime I was painted black again to be something like a stalker.
So this was extremely confusing and frustrating, until the final e-mail in which she FINALLY unambigiously confirmed/agreed she wanted to cut off all contact (I specifically asked her that, because her behaviour was driving me insane). I still do feel though that the e-mail felt a little odd... .(the contents and especially writing style were not hers) but that's another story...

So what's my point here? I guess people with BPD (traits) are sometimes not the greatest communicators. I guess they are really just going along with their feelings.
So my point is: maybe your husband is doing the same. The fact that you're forbidding him to call you, but ARE allowing him to text and mail you might lead to the following conclusion in his mind: "she did NOT forbid contact, I am allowed to contact her, so I guess calling would not hurt either".

This may sound ridiculous, but I really think this may be going on... .SO what you might consider is something like this:
Be kind and clear, but explain you want the distance and ask him to not contact you by any means for [1 week/2 weeks... longer?... .your call]. You can make him a promise you'll get in touch with him after this period (name a date), because you ONLY require this from him to be able to process things FOR YOURSELF.
(I know that is probably not entirely true, but you don't want to play the blame game... .)

I am not the expert here... .but does this sound like a reasonable idea?

[so_overit]

Yes reasonable. I will be more clear with him of the timeframe. I told him yesterday that after 12 years of marriage it is just very upsetting for me to see his name on my phone and just a reminder of the failure of our marriage. I want him to have a relationship with our kids but I also need to know he is healthy and genuine... .
thanks for the chat.

[Maya60]

How are you doing now? Did it work asking him to leave you alone?

I blocked him now. I am open for talking about practical info, but he tries to open the discussion about us separating again and again.
What does your ex try to talk about? Is it about the same as my ex? Or is it just desperately trying to have any form of contact with you?

I hope he'll understand you and will try to focuss on something else.

[so_overit]

How are you doing now? Did it work asking him to leave you alone?

I blocked him now. I am open for talking about practical info, but he tries to open the discussion about us separating again and again.
What does your ex try to talk about? Is it about the same as my ex? Or is it just desperately trying to have any form of contact with you?

I hope he'll understand you and will try to focuss on something else.

He has slowed down on the calls. He asked if he can come see the kids tomorrow. He wants to drop off wood for the winter. I asked the kids, they aren't that excited but I told them ball is in a different court now - he cannot be mean to them anymore and won't be alone with them, at least until court says what is what.

He just wants to talk, like when we used to, just like hey, how are you, how are the kids? Then he called to ask how to fill out new W4 (is it single? or married?).

I know one thing, our house has a peace that it hasn't had in years and years... .and so therefore I know I am doing the right thing.

[unicorn2014]

My husband moved out 10/31. Today is my birthday, he said to me before he moved "Oh! and don't you think I'm doing ANYTHING for your birthday" and then he laughed maniacally.

He calls every day. I don't answer, then he texts. "Is everything alright?" I am having a real hard time with this. I cannot stop thinking about the horrible things he said about our daughters. Then these calls texts are all about them. I guess it is to be expected, but just seeing his name pop up on my phone gives me anxiety. I changed it to just his first initial just so I don't have to see his full name.

There is a side of me that wants him in my kid's life, there is the other side that remembers "F* these children" and "I hate you, I hate those kids" - I know these things were said in a rage, and I know he feels shame and all, it's just so hard to forget!

How can I have no contact when he won't stop contacting me? Do I tell him, or just remain silent?

I am so sorry you are going through that, it made me cry.
My first relationship was a marriage, and my ex husband is sociopathic/narcissistic so I can totally relate. I am glad you found this community of support. I was totally on my own when I went through my divorce, and I got mentally ill (complex PTSD). It took me a decade to recover. I hope we can make your recovery time shorter.
My second relationship was a pseudo engagement with a borderline/narcissistic psychopath  and after threatening to file a restraining order for the second time he ended up going no contact on me, so he could have the last word. This just happened less then a week ago and I am reeling from the blow, I'm angry.
Let's help each other through.

[so_overit]

I am so sorry you are going through that, it made me cry.
My first relationship was a marriage, and my ex husband is sociopathic/narcissistic so I can totally relate. I am glad you found this community of support. I was totally on my own when I went through my divorce, and I got mentally ill (complex PTSD). It took me a decade to recover. I hope we can make your recovery time shorter.
My second relationship was a pseudo engagement with a borderline/narcissistic psychopath  and after threatening to file a restraining order for the second time he ended up going no contact on me, so he could have the last word. This just happened less then a week ago and I am reeling from the blow, I'm angry.
Let's help each other through.

I'm seriously starting to feel that narc/socio/BPD is rampant. I'm not trying to sensationalize, but jeez! Everyone I've been talking to lately is telling me some kind of story like this.

You said totally on your own, during divorce. WOW. I moved out to the mtns, middle of nowheresville because 'as a couple' we wanted to do the quasi=off grid nature thing, raising our children out of the box... .now it is making me feel isolated.

Less than a week ago, yikes.   so sorry.

[unicorn2014]

I'm seriously starting to feel that narc/socio/BPD is rampant. I'm not trying to sensationalize, but jeez! Everyone I've been talking to lately is telling me some kind of story like this.

You said totally on your own, during divorce. WOW. I moved out to the mtns, middle of nowheresville because 'as a couple' we wanted to do the quasi=off grid nature thing, raising our children out of the box... .now it is making me feel isolated.

Less than a week ago, yikes.   so sorry.

Luckily I had dialed the relationship down to a friendship but still the way he ended it was so petty. 
I can see how you’d feel isolated. How do you make a living?

[so_overit]

Luckily I had dialed the relationship down to a friendship but still the way he ended it was so petty. 
I can see how you’d feel isolated. How do you make a living?

I am very fortunate in that I have a remote job, working for the same employer 10+ years... .I pitched it to them that I was moving but still wanted to work for them (4 years ago) and they agreed. I have a little anxiety now, that if I were to lose this job I'd be SOL, but they love me and I work hard and make them good $$ so I'd have to really screw up to lose the job. They've been in business 30+ years, they aren't go anywhere either.