Help and clarity needed please

[bloomingdaffodil]

Hello, I am new here and don't really know how this all works. I've read my way around this site for the last hour or so and have a lot of 'info' buzzing in my head.
My partner is not diagnosed with BPD, A friend I happened to talk to about her when she had left me for the umpteenth time and then came back , mentioned it as a possibility as it was a familiar pattern to him. I looked into it online before talking with my partner and found a number of the more milder traits to be familiar and then presented her with a list of these milder traits and she tearfully agreed that they sounded very familiar to herself.
since then we have done some work together 'mapping' routes for when we get into trouble and how to get back on track together. This worked for a year or so and now she is denying that there is any BPD, only thought tendencies... .which is fine I don't need her to have that label. What i do need though is some way to communicate with her when she is pushing me away as being 'unhealthy for her (again!)' as I recognise the cycle and when I call her on it , this contributes to her feeling that I am not 'healthy for her', and so begins a lose/lose scenario. I become the reason for her disturbance.
Her cycles have come and gone for the last 20 or so years we have been together. She has left me many times and come back. There are definite improvements in her self responsibility and any violent impulses are very rare to non existent these days. But there is still a strong distrust or pushing away of me which comes and goes and i find painful and disturbing. I know it's not personal but she finds very clever ways of making things personal to me and she doesn't realise the impact of what she says and rarely 'clears up' .
My dilemma is how much to insist on calling her behaviours and how much to let them go by. my boundary around that has been drawing a line whereby if things strongly become my fault then I have to stand up for myself and that has involved me calling her on the BPD tendencies which now makes her see red... .so feels like 'lose lose'.
I would love to learn some communication skills that would help not exacerbate our differences. and if i engage in discussion it escalates the disagreements, if i don't i am seen/felt as not being interested or committed... .I won't be a whipping post and yet can't help to find myself in that role... .any ideas please... .?

how will i know if anyone has read this or replies? will i get an email , do i have to check here? how soon will anyone reply? is it just peer support ? am confused as to whats on offer here... .Please advise if possible , thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi blooming daffodil,

Welcome

I'm sorry to hear that you've been experiencing so many ups and downs in your relationship. You've found a great place for support and help. It sounds like a one point you and your partner have made some pretty big inroads to trying to work things out.

When your partner says that "you aren't good for her" what does she mean by that? Is there something in particular that has happened or been said?

We have a lot of really great tools and lessons available. The focus of these is to begin changing our reaction to our partner so that hopefully it allows them to not feel so attacked, offended, or invalidated. You might check out The Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship to get you started.

As for the way this board works, at the very bottom of your post there is a tab that says "Notify". If you click on that then you will get a notification when replies are given to the post you are following. I always suggest that you spend some time on here every day or every few days. I've learned a lot about my relationship by helping other people work through issues in theirs. Traffic on the board varies.

I would say that this is definitely a peer support group, but each board has it's own goal and purpose. For instance the Improving board is for those who want to put in the hard work of changing themselves in order to improve their relationship. For this board the overall goal is that members will pursue problem solving for their relationship. You can find the purpose of each board in the "Who Should Post Here" links at the top of each board.

[bloomingdaffodil]

Hello tattered Heart,
thankyou so much for your reply, I have been looking for your reply since I first read it as I didn't have time to reply just then and then couldn't find it again until now... .I don't get huge amounts of time to browse and I wasn't familiar with the site... .but I found you again now... .
so thankyou , and to answer your question, when my partner says I am not good for her it's when she wants to push me away and looks for reasons why I am not good for her. It could be anything at the time but the theme is that she is fine outside of our home, and it's me that is 'insane - making' mainly because in the past I have challenged her view of 'us' in those moments when she is trashing us and so therefore challenging her.

She tells me that I don't know her reality and that it's insane making when I try and point out her patterns to her. Afterwards she says she can hear herself and knows what she is saying isn't right but can't help herself at the time. Even with that understanding there is little acknowledgement from her that she has had an impact with her words.

I am both relieved and lonely at the prospect of studying BPD without her on board. It's a relief to realise from here that I don't and even shouldn't force an understanding onto her of her behaviours ?, even though this process has up until now been partially successful even if it has led to conflict in the moment/s. I am relieved not to have to insist on her seeing her patterns and to just look after myself in it.

But also this feels partially disloyal as we don't generally have secrets from each other and I am having to keep this membership and my research, from her. I am finding more about her as I read some of the articles here elsewhere and have also realised she has narcissistic tendencies as well. After understanding that part of the BPD is not having much of an emotional memory, that makes so much sense to me. It's why we work though things and then I feel we are getting somewhere and then a month or 6 months later there it is again as if we never processed it at all... .

So with all these realisations I got quite depressed for a few days and wondered who is underneath all these driven behaviours... .it's been a while since I saw the lovely light and playful person she can be. She is doing well for the last few days after last week when i 'called' her on the BPD as she was starting to blame me and that is a slippery slope to leaving me... .she got really angry, but not half as bad as she used to be.

She understands that we are all responsible for our own realities and cops on alot quicker than in the past... .but still no clear up... .So can I ask you do you think it's right to challenge her when she starts blaming me for x, y and z? even if it creates an unpleasant disturbance? actually I know from experience that if I don't challenge her, that her thinking escalates until I stop it for her... .I have often felt that she will push me until I challenge her and won't stop until I do, thereby giving her more ammunition... .it's tricky... .i appreciate any help or advice or article you could recommend about how or when to challenge ... .many thanks again,

[Qman]

Hello Bloomingdaffodil,
This sounds a lot like my girlfriend, many break-ups but she keeps coming back, lots of anger directed (mostly unfairly) at me. It also sounds like your partner has a lot of insight, afterwards when things have calmed down, realising her behaviours are not helpful. Are you able to talk about it later with her?

For me, I am never able to say or do anything while she's angry that helps. She will usually withdraw and I just give her space to calm down. Reading things on this site, I realise that many of things I was trying to do were just making things much worse, escalating the conflict - I would often want to discuss, defend myself, explain, get her to see that what she was doing was unfair ("JADE"ing). Now I use the time to look after myself - calm myself, take a walk to get out of the house for a bit, etc.