I need to understand what the point of this message was...

[undercover hurt]

Hi. I am new to this site. I received an email from my soon to be X husband who I believe has BPD (we are currently going through divorce and have been no contact at all for almost 2 months until I got an email from him the other day. I am just looking for some insight regarding this message. A little backstory first: we met in high school and have been together 22 years, married 18 years. Towards the end of our relationship he told me that he was feeling "suffocated". He has a history of binge drinking and even had a severe brain injury from it. I repeatedly asked him if there was anyone else he was interested in (as he was disconnecting from me). He always told me no, until at the end he finally admitted there is a co worker he likes as a "friend". I obviously do not believe this is only friendship. With that, he blew up our marriage and told me he wasn't happy and wanted to "live a life on his own now". To which I replied, fine, then leave. He did. Since then, he has been staying at a family members house and we haven't been in contact the last two months. UNTIL THE OTHER DAY WHEN I GOT THIS EMAIL:

 I'm just checking on you to make sure everything is ok, given the circumstances. I dearly miss you but I'm past the point of no return now. I will have to live with my choices. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, only time will tell. I hope you're in good health and the pets aren't too much trouble. I imagine they help to relieve some of the tension even if it's not much.

    I am getting along. I want to say that I truly do love you however I don't think I'm in love with you, if that makes sense. I did my best but in the end, I couldn't take it anymore. The arguments about my phone, the false claims that I was sleeping around, the restrictions on my friends, constantly living with you holding my head injury against me.

    I miss playing games with you and joking around. You were my best friend. I felt comfortable around you and I could be myself.

    Anyways, I don't expect you to reply but it would be nice to know how you're getting along. Even though you frustrate me, I always wish you the best and eventually want to see you happy/better off. I know you won't do it but if you're ever in an emergency, I will be here for you. Please always be aware of your surroundings and keep your doors locked. If you see something and/or someone that looks suspicious, follow your gut instinct and get as far away as possible.


Please help me understand why he sent this to me! I don't understand... .I should also add that he has not had ANY contact with our 20 year old son since he left, at all... . Thank you for reading this long post. Any insight is truly appreciated.  

[itgetsbetter94]

He opened the doors of communication.
His tone is (pseudo) worried and frightened for your well being, he loves you, but isn't in love with you, he sort of misses you, but has passed the point of no return... .
I understand why you're so conflicted, his message is one mixed signal after another. It would puzzle even an objective third party, let alone you, his wife.

I'm not sure you should engage in this "play".

[undercover hurt]

He opened the doors of communication.
His tone is (pseudo) worried and frightened for your well being, he loves you, but isn't in love with you, he sort of misses you, but has passed the point of no return... .
I understand why you're so conflicted, his message is one mixed signal after another. It would puzzle even an objective third party, let alone you, his wife.

I'm not sure you should engage in this "play".

Thank you for the reply! I have not responded to him and don't intend to as I fear it will hinder with my healing. I am just at a loss as to what he is trying to accomplish with even sending me the email? I take the message as meaning that he takes no accountability or responsibility for cheating on me in our marriage, as he clearly has not apologized or acknowledged that part at all... .

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you for the reply! I have not responded to him and don't intend to as I fear it will hinder with my healing. I am just at a loss as to what he is trying to accomplish with even sending me the email? I take the message as meaning that he takes no accountability or responsibility for cheating on me in our marriage, as he clearly has not apologized or acknowledged that part at all... .

Dear author, none of us on this board got any closure, unfortunately.  :-/ You have to give closure to yourself.
If you suspect he has BPD, that's enough for the closure, I believe (personally, knowing he has PD, had set me free in a way. He is his disorder, although I believe people with BPD hate to be characterised as that. But it runs his life, destroys his relationship, controls his moods... .that IS him. :-/)

[MeandThee29]

Thank you for the reply! I have not responded to him and don't intend to as I fear it will hinder with my healing. I am just at a loss as to what he is trying to accomplish with even sending me the email? I take the message as meaning that he takes no accountability or responsibility for cheating on me in our marriage, as he clearly has not apologized or acknowledged that part at all... .

I've gotten emails like that. He's pinging you to check where he is in your life. He's looking to see what you'll do.

Either don't respond, or be prepared for more. He may take anything positive as an invitation to re-engage.

Mine sent me one last week lamenting that we are drifting apart and asking for my thoughts on reconciliation. Really? As if the ugly emails of October never happened? As if he doesn't try to bully me when I don't say what he wants? I reminded him that I refuse to participate in such discussions unless a neutral, professional third party is involved. No reply to that. Back to just emailing on business issues.

[Skip]

I might take it literally.

He is reconciling the situation to himself and sharing it with you.
He has feeling for you and cares about you but
he is done with the relationship.

Sounds like his closure. I think he hopes to get back... .

Thanks for your honesty. I will always care about you, too. All these years meant something. I'm OK. You're OK.

He may be having some doubts about what he has done. Right now they are just doubts but nothing he is ready to change course about.

Just a guess.

[undercover hurt]

I've gotten emails like that. He's pinging you to check where he is in your life. He's looking to see what you'll do.

Either don't respond, or be prepared for more. He may take anything positive as an invitation to re-engage.

Mine sent me one last week lamenting that we are drifting apart and asking for my thoughts on reconciliation. Really? As if the ugly emails of October never happened? As if he doesn't try to bully me when I don't say what he wants? I reminded him that I refuse to participate in such discussions unless a neutral, professional third party is involved. No reply to that. Back to just emailing on business issues.

Thank you for your thoughts on this. I know I will never truly know what people with BPD are thinking, but two months of nothing, them getting this message and like a previous person said, so many mixed signals. I just don't know why he even bothered.

[undercover hurt]

I might take it literally.

He is reconciling the situation to himself and sharing it with you.
He has feeling for you and cares about you but
he is done with the relationship.

Sounds like his closure. I think he hopes to get back... .

Thanks for your honesty. I will always care about you, too. All these years meant something. I'm OK. You're OK.


He may be having some doubts about what he has done. Right now they are just doubts but nothing he is ready to change course about.

Just a guess.

Thank you for responding Skip. I don't understand as to why when I am starting to begin to heal a little bit, he goes and sends this email? This email really blindsided me because I wasn't expecting anything from him the way he left me so coldly. 18 years of marriage down the tubes. I don't even understand why he thinks I would even care what he thinks at this point?

[truthbeknown]

I'm still in the thick of disengaging too so i wanted to respond.

My story is written in some other posts if you care to look it up but basically after having intimacy and then calling me on the phone to devalue me and push me away I had enough.  Like your guy, my girl was telling me that she wanted freedom but then told one of her "flying monkeys" that she loved me but wasn't "in love" with me.  So when i read your post I thought, "oh boy some people really can't think for themselves and just need to cliche it up when they don't know what to express."  

I just got a facebook message two weeks ago that was much less content then yours.  I had told her if she wanted to seriously discuss moving forward or working things out with me to call.  So what does she do?  she sends a text telling me that her sisters wedding was beautiful (she did not invite me btw and thats how i knew we were done) and that a friend of her's is having a concert and although she isn't going she wanted me to know."  

I did not reply because i felt it lacked any true feeling and meaning.  I think secretly I had hoped that i would at least get an email stating why she felt bad for things breaking down etc.  However, after reading yours I can't help but thinking that it's just another control aspect of their (BPDs/narcs) personality.  For me, I feel like its a double bind (something borderlines are good at putting us in).  If i answer it will i believe it will absolve her from her guilt and she'll then feel okay to progress as normal.  For example in every instance where she had conflict with someone and the relationship terminated, she had a "final talk" and then would say, "Name and i had a talked, we hugged each other but we were on such different pages that we were not meant to be together.  But we're okay now.  I'm just not going to (fill in the blanks for whatever role they played in her life.)"  

So i'm not sure if your guy is trying to do the same thing?  absolve himself of the guilt or responsibility of his actions by seeming to be the "mature one" and sending you the email.    I have struggled with how quickly she could turn from being the needy one where nothing was ever good enough to now coming from a pseudo mature stance.   Again, i think (in my case anyway) it's all about power to her.  She thinks love is power.  If I answer she will have power to move on because she will tell everyone "we worked it out. we're good. blah blah blah."   If i don't answer her, she might use that to prove to everyone how she is the mature one.   Either way I'm going to lose and it sounds like by him stating that he is done that he right away created a double bind for you.  The last time I spoke to my ex I thought that I was taking the high road.  She apologized for "leading me on"  (after we had a year long relationship and she and i were intimate 4 days prior) and then invited me over to her house in friendship because she didn't want me to be alone.  However, she ended the conversation with, "I told my sister we were done!"  See what i mean?  the double bind of "come over" to "I told her we're done" is what it seems like you are being exposed to as well.  "come closer/ get away".  That is the borderline way.  

Sorry, this was long but i'm still going through it as she is still playing this game with me so i  can empathize with you.

[undercover hurt]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts truthbeknown. I very much agree that these people (mine and yours) seem to be trying to ease their guilty consciences by reaching out. Although sometimes it seems like they don't have one due to the stuff they put us through. I think my person could be having time to reflect and possibly a little bit of boredom is creeping in? I don't know... .I haven't responded, but I will admit there is a part of me that wants to ask why he hasn't taken any accountability or apologize for cheating on me with his coworker. I ultimately realize that it seems like he does feel guilty about it and possibly justifies it to himself somehow and I will never get the apology. That is why I haven't responded to him. His thinking is not healthy.
I'm sorry your person is putting you through similar things. We need to keep telling ourselves that we cannot help them. They need to help themselves, and more importantly they need to WANT to help themselves to get to where they need to be mentally. We deserve so much better than this truthbeknown. Maybe one day they can realize and admit to themselves the pain they caused us. However I don't think that day will ever come unless they seek help first. Hang in there and be strong!

[MeandThee29]

I'm sorry your person is putting you through similar things. We need to keep telling ourselves that we cannot help them. They need to help themselves, and more importantly they need to WANT to help themselves to get to where they need to be mentally. We deserve so much better than this truthbeknown. Maybe one day they can realize and admit to themselves the pain they caused us. However I don't think that day will ever come unless they seek help first. Hang in there and be strong!

Agreed. You have to understand these things for what they are.

I communicate with mine only via text and email. In my particular case, my therapist and I have worked out when and how to respond. And thus far, I've felt good with how that is working.

[truthbeknown]

undercoverhurt:

Thank you for your kind words.  I come on here from time to time because I can get the empathy and understanding that I'll most likely never get from my ex- person.   I (and maybe so many others here) have given so much empathy and understanding that in my mind, I was hoping for just a little from her. 
Maybe I did get it when she said, "my dad said that (her ex husbands name) life was saved by getting out of the family."   I think maybe she subtly is trying to say that she knows something is wrong with her and her family dynamic and in some weird way pushing me away is her gift to me?   

On a side note:  I have been staying in a hotel this week for work that has the same layout as the one we were in last time we were together and intimate.  The week started with me being hard on myself and wishing I had never let myself be intimate with her.  After the last time, she said, "are you a sex addict or a love addict".   I was questioning whether i was at first.  I guess in my empathy I could see her point- "why would i have sex with someone who was treating me so poorly."  That thought was playing over and over in my mind until this morning something shifted.

I woke up and thought, "i'm just a man.  If God couldn't get through to her and help her heal then what makes me think that I can?"  I say this because there was a key event that happened that only God or spirit could have arranged to bring us together in the summer when we had been split up for awhile.

So what is my point?  I apologize, i'm not trying to hijack your message thread, instead i'm trying to say (and i don't know it will help anyone else here) that I realized that I have always tried to emulate what I believe the qualities of what spirit or God would do for us: compassion/ empathy/ understanding.   In doing so in my love relationships it has made me step out of protecting myself and had me locked into how I would want to be dealt with from a spiritual perspective.  ie.  I would want compassion and forgiveness etc.  However, this morning, these words came to me:  "you are just a man- not God and in being so have to act accordingly.  It's okay to protect yourself and not be perfect."    It helped me forgive myself for just wanting to be a man and make love to my lady. 

And also, it made me think about the pedestal that our partners originally put us on.  We cannot be "their God figure" once they realize we are human and have faults.  Then that pedestal crashes and maybe they get scared or something?  Anyway, I wanted to offer up this insight in reply to "we deserve to have a good relationship"  that you mentioned. 

I think for me the way to buy into that is to realize that "i'm just a man" and i have needs too.   

[undercover hurt]

Truthbeknown,

You are right. We absolutely do have to remember that as human beings, we (the partners of the people with BPD) have needs too. We need to be in healthy relationships, and we also need to be truthfully loved. I think we spend too much time and energy thinking about the person with BPD, that we lose ourselves a little bit in the process. Piece by piece I am trying to remember this. I know what you mean about the memories of being intimate. I have those as well, as I am in our house currently by myself. I have to keep telling myself that this just was an unhealthy relationship, and I may have made things worse by always giving 110% and even sacrificing my own happiness at times.

The road to recovering after these relationships with a BPD person seems to be full of twists. I really would have rather he not contacted me via email since he was unable to take accountability for his cheating with his coworker. It just shows that I deserve better, and his thinking is not rational. I'd be lying if I said that this whole thing with him isn't exhausting. We can get through this! One day at a time.

[truthbeknown]

undercoverhurt:

I was on another site looking into IMAGO theory because their contention is that we will keep repeating the pattern (and so will they) over until we resolve our subconscious desire to fix what we couldn't fix with our parent/s. 

But there was useful material on their so I thought I would share it: 

www.systemsthinker.com/blog/2008/04/choosing-intimate-partners-repeat/#comment-427714

the bottom line is even in Imago partners, we need to find ones that want to do their part as well.  Hard to find it seems. 

My comment on their site was that we don't have any really good models of people that talk about their everyday challenges and then successes in relationships and the culture or maybe even the world has become so entrenched in the "disposable relationship" model that even people that used to want to work things out are not inclined to do so.

Don't mean to be a bummer but I think i'm going to become or join a "cuddle group" because if I can't have a successful relationship then at least maybe being a facilitator will allow me to have human touch