BPD sabotages grief process

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had an epiphany today. My grieving process started long before the separation.

1. I was in denial for months (possible years) depite the fact that there were many   .

2. I bargained all the time ("Things will get better once we are engaged/maried/share an aparment/have a child together", "She will grow out of this eventually", "Maybe I am the problem", "Maybe she is just very sensitive"... .).

3. I was also angry quite a lot before we seperated permanently. We had so many fight where I was basically yelling at her that she couldn't treat me like that and that if she continues the abuse she leaves me no choice but to break up.

4. After all this bargaining and raging I was so tired I slipped into a depressive state. I knew I should leave theoretically but I felt so numb and damaged that I thought it didn't matter whether I stayed or not. I was a broken person anyways.

So I was deep into the process for a long time. But she never let me reach the final step. When I was in denial she was fully in charge. When I was bargaining or angry she had confirmation that I cared about her. When I was drained and depressive this was her chance to comfort me and make me believe that it hadn't been as bad as I was thinking. I ended right back in denial and the whole circle started again.

I think the difference between the first four steps and the last on is that the pwBPD can still control you during the first four steps. True freedom waits at level 5.

[Wolfsocks]

I had an epiphany today. My grieving process started long before the separation.

1. I was in denial for months (possible years) depite the fact that there were many   .

2. I bargained all the time ("Things will get better once we are engaged/maried/share an aparment/have a child together", "She will grow out of this eventually", "Maybe I am the problem", "Maybe she is just very sensitive"... .).

3. I was also angry quite a lot before we seperated permanently. We had so many fight where I was basically yelling at her that she couldn't treat me like that and that if she continues the abuse she leaves me no choice but to break up.

4. After all this bargaining and raging I was so tired I slipped into a depressive state. I knew I should leave theoretically but I felt so numb and damaged that I thought it didn't matter whether I stayed or not. I was a broken person anyways.

So I was deep into the process for a long time. But she never let me reach the final step. When I was in denial she was fully in charge. When I was bargaining or angry she had confirmation that I cared about her. When I was drained and depressive this was her chance to comfort me and make me believe that it hadn't been as bad as I was thinking. I ended right back in denial and the whole circle started again.

I think the difference between the first four steps and the last on is that the pwBPD can still control you during the first four steps. True freedom waits at level 5.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wolfsocks, You have put your finger on the stages of grief.  In your view, what is the final step, i.e., level five?  I'm sorry to hear about what you have been through.

LJ

[Mutt]

Hi Wolfsocks,

1. I was in denial for months (possible years) depite the fact that there were many   .

Possibly so, we’re not doctors though and can’t diagnose a severe mental illlness. BPD gets misdiagnosed or the pwBPD is not told that they have BPD. My point is I wasn’t qualified to detect a PD.

Also r/s’s are not a hard and fast rule, today you know something wasn’t right, it helps to learn the traits and become indifferent to them, depersonalize the behaviours, a lot of the pain I felt was because I thought that I was this horrible insensitive person that she painted me as.

2. I bargained all the time ("Things will get better once we are engaged/maried/share an aparment/have a child together", "She will grow out of this eventually", "Maybe I am the problem", "Maybe she is just very sensitive"... .).

I can relate with everything you said here, you’ll probably find more members that have shared similar thoughts. You’re not alone.

3. I was also angry quite a lot before we seperated permanently. We had so many fight where I was basically yelling at her that she couldn't treat me like that and that if she continues the abuse she leaves me no choice but to break up.

Did you feel like you tried everything that you knew st the time to repair the r/s? Where you frustrated with her because she was negative most of the time and was destroying the efforts you made in the r/s?

4. After all this bargaining and raging I was so tired I slipped into a depressive state. I knew I should leave theoretically but I felt so numb and damaged that I thought it didn't matter whether I stayed or not. I was a broken person anyways.

60% of the members here have depression, I can understand why we feel anxious and depressed around a pwBPD. Did you have friends and family that you were interacting with? Or, people that you trusted and listened to them?

I’m just curious because the whole experience has made me realize how important r/s are and how loved ones love us and just want the best for us. I think that it’s important to have positive r/s’s outside of your current one ( good or bad r/s ) so that if you feel confused, you trust their feedback and what they see that could be foggy for you or that you don’t see.

I think the difference between the first four steps and the last on is that the pwBPD can still control you during the first four steps.

If you reflect on it now, would you let someone treat you the same way? What would you tweak about yourself in the next r/s?

[Wolfsocks]

Hey Wolfsocks, You have put your finger on the stages of grief.  In your view, what is the final step, i.e., level five?  I'm sorry to hear about what you have been through.

@Lucky Jim: Level 5 for me would be freedom and no longer being addicted to an emotionally unstable person who preys on my feelings and thoughts. I would know with perfect clarity that I can't save her, that I can't change her and that will never have a relationship like that again.

Also r/s’s are not a hard and fast rule, today you know something wasn’t right, it helps to learn the traits and become indifferent to them, depersonalize the behaviours, a lot of the pain I felt was because I thought that I was this horrible insensitive person that she painted me as.

@Mutt: No longer taking her tirades seriously was also very helpful for me. I used to think for years that I was a failure because I couldn't get this relationship to work.

Did you feel like you tried everything that you knew st the time to repair the r/s? Where you frustrated with her because she was negative most of the time and was destroying the efforts you made in the r/s?

I think I tried everything besides couples therapy. But she was only willing to do that once I was ready to leave for good. I was frustrated because she was so SO lazy. She poured all her energy into her work (she fulfills most criteria for workaholism) and when she was with me she behaved like a toddler who wanted to be pampered. I did so much research and tried so many things. I sent her to therapy but she never revealed her true problems to her therapist. I had her do a full blood count and it turned out she has severe vitamin deficiencies. I was then the one who made sure she took her pills and who tried to improve her diet and lifestyle. I made her take personality tests and tried to make her life more HSP friendly because she turned out to be a highly sensitive person. I encouraged her to try meditation or become more physically active. After her meltdowns I talked to her for hours trying to analyse the problem and find a solution.

In retrospect I enabled her 100 percent. All she had to do was lean back and leave everything else to me.

60% of the members here have depression, I can understand why we feel anxious and depressed around a pwBPD. Did you have friends and family that you were interacting with? Or, people that you trusted and listened to them?

In the weeks leading up to my wedding I was completely isolated but now (one year later) I have reached out to my friends again and become less lonely. Being lonely had really crushed my self-esteem. My partner was working all the time and I thought I simply wasn't worth her time. And neither my friends nor family were available at that time. In retrospect it was a really dire situation and I am glad I managed to leave it.

If you reflect on it now, would you let someone treat you the same way? What would you tweak about yourself in the next r/s?

I don't want to be controled in a relationship again through emotional blackmail or other forms of abuse. In my new relationship I want to establish real boundaries and make sure I don't become drained and isolated again.