I have held tight to my No Contact mode in order to heal my wounds and allow myself to detach. She has reached out to me once to tell me about some event but I did not reply.
Just yesterday she finally liked one of my fb posts after two months of separation (almost 2).
I needed support because I feel like it brought up a PTSD around the thought of her. In other words, i'm fighting myself. There is a part of me that after seeing that she gave me some attention really wants to believe that she misses me. I don't know how much of this is normal or pathological. In other words my logical side says, "why be so excited just because she is throwing you some crumbs? if she really wants to get ahold of you she would call or text message etc."
I also know that logically in a healthy relationship I wouldn't have to be riding this rollercoaster. A healthy partner wouldn't play hide and seek with my/her emotions. And yet here I am confessing that I'm craving her. Is that wrong? normal? Weird? I don't know anymore. What's worse is that the last time we were making love at the end she asked me if i was a sex addict or love addict. Now those words ring through my brain at times like these because i think, "could she be right, am I some sort of love addict to be craving someone who is emotionally unavailable or manipulative?"
I could be addicted to the fantasy that she is going to change? I could be craving some closure? I could feel like I don't have a chance to date because of my new job and this is bothering me? Whatever it is I miss her and it's strange to feel bad for having loving feelings toward someone.
I'm just having a "day" guys and it doesn't help that my new job has me traveling and staying in hotels and the last place we were intimate was in a hotel where the room looks identical to this one. I'm imagining her there with me like we were before. It's PTSD of sorts. The "crime scene" of love.
Lastly, last night I heard a podcast by a man who talked about "ghosting". After listening to him I kind of felt bad that this sounds like what i am doing to her? I know she contacted me but it was so superficial and it felt dismissive so i did not answer. I just don't think she is capable of communicating maturely. I know it might seem judgemental to expect this but I'm not trying to change her behavior by holding back. I'm afraid that she'll reel me in and then let me down again and treat me like i'm trying to get something from her that she can't give. I'm basically staying out of the game but today I hit a wall. I am super emotional NOT being able to talk with her and yet I fear opening up communication will invite abuse again.
okay. any support is welcome
