Chosen Families

[Adventurelvr]

Hi all! I’m new here. A quick intro: I have uBPD mom that I have limited contact with, uBPD Grandma/aunts/uncles that I don’t have contact with. I’m mostly estranged from my bio dad due to mom doing everything she could to destroy that relationship. Moved 1400 miles away at 22 to run as far from her being able to contact me and find me after moving out at 18. I visit for show and a bit out of guilt but pretty much don’t feel like I have a family (even though they are all alive the abuse started very early in my life so I’ve not really ever felt like my parents were my true family).

I’ve spent most of my life looking for surrogate parents in my friendships (unknowingly until a few years ago). I was parentified very young and responsible for mom, which is probably why I’m an old soul and most of my friends are double my age (I’m 30). I’ve been seeking friends as family for as long as I can remember and my main coping mechanism as a kid was living in day dreams with teachers/older peers/mentors that guided me as imagined parental figures.

I have had friends who found adoptive parents in friends (but most of them had parents who died young from medical or car accidents) and have been a part of friends groups that were like families.

I never felt like I fit in though and all of those friendships ran their course. And after awhile it was just me again back looking for a family. Now that we are in the holiday season it’s definitely hitting me. I’m wanting to hear experiences and stories of those of you that found a chosen family and if there’s anyone out there that is struggling looking for theirs.

I also always felt guilty when people did start letting me in their lives as well (my mom always drilled it into my head that I took advantage of friends and didn’t deserve them so I was always an outsider which has definitely been traumatic for me my entire life)

[pyropsycho]

Hi there, I can certainly relate to a lot of what you shared. I'm 27 with a uBPD mom, possibly uBPD sister, NPD dad, grandparents, aunt, etc. I have limited contact with my mom, and when I do, she's often raging, manipulating, etc. Lately I've been able to see everyone's destructive behavior more clearly (including my own) and realizing that I don't know how to have relationships with any of my family members. Having some sort of surrogate/chosen family that actually supports me sounds like a beautiful dream, especially right now since it's around the holidays. I've been struggling with that a lot too. I've never really attached to people who are a lot older, though. I have tended to lean a lot on friends who are roughly around the same age as me and when I'm able to do that, it seems to help a lot. The problem I have is that I tend to be super independent and isolate myself most of the time. So, I haven't figured it all out yet either, but I definitely feel you and I hope you find some answers.

[Turkish]

pyropsycho, another hermit?   

Being the adopted latchkey kid of a single mother,  I usually sought out replacement families.  I also tended to relate to much older often troubled women,  so not the same,  but a similar dynamic,  Adventurelvr. I felt a draw to take care of others emotionally,  often at my own expense.

I also always felt guilty when people did start letting me in their lives as well (my mom always drilled it into my head that I took advantage of friends and didn’t deserve them so I was always an outsider which has definitely been traumatic for me my entire life)

Would it be accurate to say that you doubt if their affection for you is real,  or that you are manipulating them somehow?

[Adventurelvr]

I definitely think I struggle on many levels with trusting people. I’ve been burned many times in friendships and relationships probably because most of the people I have ever grown close too were people issues as well... .that could be a part of the struggle.

I definitely have a fear of manipulating people because my mother drilled into me that ever relying on a person or asking for what I needed was manipulating/bad/etc.

I also fear their affection for me isn’t real in a sense as I have a habit of having people that mean more to me than I mean to them in my life (also another issue... .potentially of me choosing emotionally unavailable people)

I also worry about their affection for me as I definitely struggle with self worth issues and I don’t trust easy and fear losing people I care about (in addition to uBPD mother, father may be NPD and step mom may be uBPD, but he alluded to having to choose me over step mom and chose her and her kids, so there’s that too)

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Adventurelvr!   

Welcome aboard to our online family! 

I read your post, and it is achingly familiar. That pull when I hear others laugh, and I tell myself that I don't fit in, that I am not able to be seen as whole and healthy, that my co-workers like others better than they like me. I struggle to find a place where I belong and am not an outsider, where I am loved for who I am. I desire it so strongly, but when it comes, I either run away in terror or cling too tightly to the relationship, nearly choking the very life out of it. Where is the balance? We desire rellationships and a healthy family but we don't have a darn clue what to do when we get it.

Something really important to remember is that since we were raised by a pwBPD, we really don't have a clue how to operate in healthiness or what healthiness really is. There is a whole lot of brain changing that has to gradually take place because we need to start from the ground up. We have to unlearn what isn't true and relearn what is true. Here is an example from what you said:

I definitely have a fear of manipulating people because my mother drilled into me that ever relying on a person or asking for what I needed was manipulating/bad/etc

I was taught that I couldn't trust anyone, not only by example, but also by the words drilled into me by my uBPDm. I have found T to be so helpful. One of the first issues I had to deal with and remember saying to my T was, "I have to decide if I can trust you." It took time, and then I was afraid of being too ingrained in the relationship, but my T was steady and patient and has weathered the long haul with me. I have come to a place of greater rest and peace within myself. The pull still comes to find that family, but I am less consumed and more comfortable with who I am becoming.

Have you ever thought about T? I think a good place to start is with a T or a friend who doesn't expect something from you. That's a gift where you can learn to trust.

 
Wools