HELP Email Feedback Needed

[hazedandconfused]

Hi everyone, I was hoping to get any honest feedback on a letter I want to write my BPD wife.  I've posted about my experience before, but to give a quick rundown... .

After threats of divorce for over a year - just when our relationship was starting to work again - my wife demanded I move out.  Two months ago I moved out, but I still continued to see my wife everyday since we have a young daughter I spend evenings and majority of the weekend with.  Things were non-communicative to start, but now it's closer to "normal."  I feel like I finally need to stand up for myself and I wanted to write this email:

I want to move back home.  I respect your wishes, but I think it’s time and only fair I get to live in my own home.  We both share blame in the decline of our relationship.  I've always tried to provide what you need, and I’m sorry for the times I’ve not provided what you really need.  I’m not a perfect person - but I'm not a violent, abusive, alcoholic or unfaithful person.
   
Even though we’re not getting along, I still think you are a good person and wish to reconcile.  I want to come back home for Thanksgiving.  If you like, I can keep my presence minimal and spend most of my time in the guest room.  I think it would be beneficial for the family if we give this a chance.

***Any thoughts?  Too short?  I tried to be careful and not include any landmines.  Anything I should add or exclude?  I appreciate any quick feedback as I'm hoping to send this soon.  I've also thought about saying this in person, but I just think I would get a reactive no... .and email is the medium that gives me the best chance. Thank you for reading***

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I am heading out for the day but will come back to this tomorrow.

I like where you're going with it, but it comes across as begging. I'd like to see you try to present this with more confidence and less "here's what's not wrong with me" or offering to stay in another room while at home. If you have time to review DEARMAN you might be able to come up with a new draft.

[hazedandconfused]

For anyone following, with the help of a friend I revised my email to this:

Dear XXXX,

I first want to apologize that I'm not providing you with what you need.  I'm not a perfect person, but I do love you and wished that I could give you what you're seeking.  Even though we’re not getting along, I still think you are an amazing person and I want us to be respectful with each other. 

  I would like to propose that I move back in after Thanksgiving so that the disruption and emotional impact to our family is reduced.  If you like, I can keep my presence minimal and spend most of my time in the guest room.  At the same time we can work on what to do about our marriage.  I think it would be beneficial for the family if we give this a chance.  Again, my motivation is the well being of our family and a respectful sorting out of our marriage, whatever the outcome.

Thanks,
XXXX

-----------------------

Still curious if anyone has any thoughts - positive or negative on the letter.  I hope people can learn from my points or mistakes in this email.  If anyone wonders why I was vague with use of family - the real impact I'm alluding to is on our child,but I didn't want to say that explicitly, since I think that is one of the underlying issues of the relationship... .the fact that she feels our child takes away attention from her (in the past, she's accused me of loving of our child more than her).

And just to give an update... .this email didn't work.  She said she doesn't want me to live together.  I was aware of the DEAR structure, and maybe I should have followed it more closely.  I'm not sure if my letter was not "good" enough - but maybe her mind was settled already.  Our relationship and communication is at it's best since I moved out two months ago, so I thought we might getting closer to reconciliation, but I was wrong.

[Tattered Heart]

Sorry her response didn't go well. Even though she doesn't want to live together is she wanting to work on the relationship? It's hard to say where she is on things. In the past has she gone back and forth on whether she wanted things to work out or not? ANd I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner. I was unavailable yesterday. If you don't mind, I'd like to share some changes that I would have made to the letter

Dear XXXX,

I first want to apologize that I'm not providing you with what you need. I'm not a perfect person,

Don't JADE . The way the letter starts puts you at a disadvantage and reminds her of why she ended the relationship to start with.

I do love you and wished that I could give you what you're seeking.  Even though we’re not getting along, I still think you are an amazing person and I want us to be respectful with each other.  

Dear Wife,

I love you and think you are an amazing person. I've missed you in our time apart. Your are important to me and I want to begin learning how we can communicate better so that you can feel like you are getting your needs met.

I would like to propose that I move back in after Thanksgiving. I know you're a great mom and the kids are doing well with you. Father's are very important too. Having me in the house will prevent a significant disruption and emotional impact on our family.

If you like, I can keep my presence minimal and spend most of my time in the guest room. While we begin learning to work together better, I will stay in the guest room I think it would be beneficial for the family if we give this a chance.  Again, my motivation is the well being of our family and a respectful sorting out of our marriage, whatever the outcome. (More JADEing)I would like to discuss this in person. How would X location at Y time work for you? [/quote]

In the meantime while you are waiting for her to come back around again, what can you do for yourself to begin preparing for improving your relationship? Have you tried getting therapy or finding activities you can do outside of the home?

[hazedandconfused]

Tattered Heart - thank you so much for you feedback.  I agree, I think your version would have been more effective with my wife.  I might be able to use it in future communications.  My mistake was taking advice from people who haven't dealt with people with BPD.  Thank you for all your notes.

I've tried to get her to see a therapist with me, or on her own (since I am, from her request), and have offered to meet her at lunch at a public park just to talk.  It's been no to all of them.  Even my therapist has tried to write her twice to see if she would come in for me.

After she said - in a mean way - said she didn't want to live me, I said if she wanted to make this arrangement permanent, then we should have a more formal visit schedule and financial plan in place.  That set her off angrily.  This makes me think she doesn't want to finalize our divorce - that she is open to going back to way things were, but also she could just want to take advantage of the way things are (all bills in my name, I pay for health insurance, doesn't have to work, she's in the house with our child) since it favors her.

I'm not sure what else to do, but wait.  I've tried and tried so I'm not sure if I should not try anything else and let her push any change.  We'll see how Thanksgiving goes... .

[Radcliff]

Tattered Heart, great edits!

hazedandconfused -- yes, it seems like a pretty sweet deal your wife has.  You are out in the cold yet fulfilling all of your responsibilities.  She has the power position, and has not articulated any path to getting back together.  Why would she?  She doesn't have to work at the relationship now.  Have you considered just moving back in?  I'm not pushing this as the "right" thing to do, but just asking.  What would you think about that?  It's natural to think that if you talk to her in just the right way, that you can have a rational discussion about how to mend things, but does that seem likely given your experience with her?

WW

[Tired_Dad]

Hazed,

It's good that you are expressing what you need and that is very important. However, when she wants you out but doesn't want it finalized it shouts to me of the inherent fear of abandonment reaction that they will discard you just far enough but it seems that it will never be finalized as that is a very difficult step for them to commit to.

I have struggled with the demands of my spouse to want to be separate when she becomes dis-regulated. I calmly inform her that she is capable of making her own choices and that she can take the space for herself whenever she wants. After we were separated for a year and we reconciled I made it very clear that I would not force her out unless I filed for a divorce, and that I would not be forced out of our home. Also it has been made clear that if she was to move out again and establish a second residence that under no uncertain terms I would file for divorce.

I have a strong belief that one needs to take accountability for their actions and take that actions to improve themselves. Forcing a spouse out of the house, bedroom, etc is not self care, (with the exception of instances of abuse) it is exerting unwarranted control over another individual. A marriage is a mutual agreement, not a dictatorship, and though I have found myself often walking on eggshells and giving in to many demands in order to maintain peace I have my hard lines that I will not bend on as to me to bend on them is to break the family.

[Tattered Heart]

I'd like to second what Wentworth said. Would it be possible to just move back in? Are there any legal consequences if you were to move back?

If moving back isn't a route you would like to go in yet, are there things you can do to protect your children while withdrawing support from her while you guys try to figure things out so that she does have to take a little more responsibility in this situation?

[Radcliff]

Hazed,

I think Tired Dad put it very eloquently.  I like how he handled things in his situation.

WW

[Meili]

How are things going Hazed?