i read those trying to recover their relationships, and it is not real.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i read those trying to recover their relationships, and it is not real.
and i read those here, trying to recover, and you have the same issues i have - nobody close to us can comprehend or understand.
so, what is next?
being codependent (dependent personality disorder) myself, i am pretty much caught between a rock and an anvil landing on my head.
meh.  i almost envy those who are narcissistic, except that i despise them... .

[morningagain]

i read those trying to recover their relationships, and it is not real.
and i read those here, trying to recover, and you have the same issues i have - nobody close to us can comprehend or understand.
so, what is next?
being codependent (dependent personality disorder) myself, i am pretty much caught between a rock and an anvil landing on my head.
meh.  i almost envy those who are narcissistic, except that i despise them... .

[itgetsbetter94]

Morningagain, I care. All of us here care.
I know it's hard. It's an agony. I literally feel like my soul has an open wound, like it was on some diabolical dr. Mengele's operation where it was all cut up with scalpels, without anesthesia, and left for the dead. I really do for the first time in my life feel that my soul actually aches, not just as a figure of speach! It's very real, very weird and frightening.

I hope it's just a phase in my recovery. 

Trust me, you are so not alone!

[morningagain]

Morningagain, I care. All of us here care.
I know it's hard. It's an agony. I literally feel like my soul has an open wound, like it was on some diabolical dr. Mengele's operation where it was all cut up with scalpels, without anesthesia, and left for the dead. I really do for the first time in my life feel that my soul actually aches, not just as a figure of speach! It's very real, very weird and frightening.

I hope it's just a phase in my recovery. 

Trust me, you are so not alone!

indeed.  my soul aches.  and i wish the other people i love understood, but to understand, you have to go through hell, so i don't want them to understand.  so i want to be strong for them.  and i am a mess.  being a codep man, i need a woman.  but i don't want to add my trials and stupidities on another.   

thank you, though.  i don't feel quite so alone... .

[itgetsbetter94]

Good, please don't! I don't want anyone to go through that pain also, even though it means they won't understand my pain... .I simply have to rely on those who do understand- people here, my therapist and few friends.
Do you work on your codependency issues?
I also do have codependency problems, so I do understand.

[morningagain]

Good, please don't! I don't want anyone to go through that pain also, even though it means they won't understand my pain... .I simply have to rely on those who do understand- people here, my therapist and few friends.
Do you work on your codependency issues?
I also do have codependency problems, so I do understand.

i try to cope.  difficult to work on being codep per se, when i believe and feel helping others is more important than helping me.  i get tangled up when i do something for myself that someone else objects to, or when someone objects to me helping another.  my son says i have "wilson's disease"  (from the tv series 'House'
;-D

[AnuDay]

Codependents must get stronger and work on ourselves.  This site is a Godsend because everyone on here understands.  I get so many moments of clarity reading posts on here.  As far as friends and family go you can forget about them understanding.  I talk to them to vent and for a reality check, but thats about it.  They also provide emotional support and help me keep my sanity.  Codependependents must start taking care of ourselves first.

[MeandThee29]

I have friends and family who care for me in general. They hurt when I'm hurting. I had a friend at church hold my hand to today and tell me that she loves me but doesn't know what to say about the sorrows we're going through. And that's still wonderful IMHO. But they don't understand codependency, trying to save a marriage with someone who is mentally ill, and then dealing with the sorrows and adjustments of separation.

Other than this board, I don't know anyone who has been through something like this. I have an aunt in her 80's who separated from and then divorced a very promiscuous man in her 30's. She didn't know anyone who had been through that, and of course no internet then. So at least we have this. I'm thankful!

[morningagain]

I have friends and family who care for me in general. They hurt when I'm hurting. I had a friend at church hold my hand to today and tell me that she loves me but doesn't know what to say about the sorrows we're going through. And that's still wonderful IMHO. But they don't understand codependency, trying to save a marriage with someone who is mentally ill, and then dealing with the sorrows and adjustments of separation.

Other than this board, I don't know anyone who has been through something like this. I have an aunt in her 80's who separated from and then divorced a very promiscuous man in her 30's. She didn't know anyone who had been through that, and of course no internet then. So at least we have this. I'm thankful!

i dunno.  I wish i could find a codep woman, but i suppose we might not be attracted to each other.
so, i feel good when helping another, and feel spectacular when i am loved for who i am.  how is this a problem?

[itgetsbetter94]

She didn't know anyone who had been through that, and of course no internet then. So at least we have this. I'm thankful!

I often think about this. How harder all of this would be without knowing about the disorder and help from the internet. This way we can really pinpoint what is wrong. In retrospect, my ex had have written "BPD" all over him, I instinctively knew something was off, but couldn't tell. Now when I remember everything- Wow, he was a textbook example of BPD.
I feel really sad for all the people who went through it, before there was an awareness about this disorder or internet. Just imagine the utter shock and confusion and not understanding what's going on... .

[ynwa]

Hello Morning Again.   You are indeed correct that others may not understand.  They may not be able to see it, how you do.  Just as you may have not seen it while you were in it?  And its true that they cannot feel it the way you do.  But I am sure they have had heartache, pain, loss.  We all do.

But you are not alone.  In fact, you are with a bunch of people who have felt and will feel like you do.  The labels you use, can easily, (ok not always so easily) be inverted.  It is hard to start with, but taking care of YOU, when you have not for so long. Sticking up for yourself, being YOURSELF, is hard when you have not looked inward, but the feelings are your hearts way of telling you its time.  And like any wound, sometimes it will hurt more before it starts healing.  It will open up, just when you think its fine.

Take a breath, close your eyes, and just be, even for a minute.  But trust in your the ones around you, even if their words seem slightly off, or just not right.  They are there, and they do not have to know every detail or agree with every thought.  Trust that you are not alone, and while it may seem right now is the worst, that means the next moment can only be better. Right?

[steelwork]

so, i feel good when helping another, and feel spectacular when i am loved for who i am.  how is this a problem?

Is that truly who you are? How well do you feel you know yourself? I'm slowly learning more about who I am. Things in childhood made it difficult for me to focus on what I really wanted and needed, emotionally. It was more important to keep up with my parents and older siblings' desires than to fight for my own--which were often at odds with theirs.

Also--can you see a difference between helping others and losing yourself in their needs? How spectacularly good did that make you feel, ultimately?

[Lost-love-mind]

Is that truly who you are? How well do you feel you know yourself? I'm slowly learning more about who I am. Things in childhood made it difficult for me to focus on what I really wanted and needed, emotionally. It was more important to keep up with my parents and older siblings' desires than to fight for my own--which were often at odds with theirs.

Also--can you see a difference between helping others and losing yourself in their needs? How spectacularly good did that make you feel, ultimately?

Wow. Your childhood environment sounds similar to my own except my dad died when I was 10. Left me with older siblings out on their own, either in military or into dope or both. My mother was a hermit for years and tried her best.
Never realized my own fear of abandonment led to BPD. However, narcissism was used as a defense mechanism to prevent my ex wife of 20+ yrs and then my exBPD from leaving me. The exBPD was met online less than a year after the divorce and was my attempt to validate myself and keep up with my ex wife that was remarrying.
Imigine me as a recovering alcoholic/ addict (ripe for codependency) with ptsd from childhood abandonment issues (ripe for BPD tendency) with narcissism as a defensive mechanism to cover up my insecurities.
Enough alphabet soup to lead to Wtf? Excuse my use of text profanity.
It's time to self reflect and remember what led us to this forum. A family that can only understand why we ended up here and try to heal.