I don't know if I should leave or if I'm giving up on him too soon

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been with my partner for almost 6 months and have known him for just over a year now. He has been diagnosed with bod. At the moment his symptoms are very severe. He is extremely possessive and jealous, keeps accusing me of looking over at men and smiling in a sexual way in his presence, he believes that I am flirting with men and has become increasingly verbally abusive and when in his fit of rage he breaks everything around him, he calls me really awful names, it really feels like he hates me and I don't understand why. I know it's not really in his control but it has began to frighten me. When I ask for time out he won't let me. If we are having a phone conversation which I know is getting heated and I know that he will lose his calm, I tell him let's put the phone down and talk in a few minutes when we are both calm but, but he will just non-stop call me and if I don't pick up he turns up to my house, vandalises things, causes disturbance to neighbours. What makes it especially hard is that my family are not aware of my relationship with him as they would not approve given his condition, but I don't know what to do. I care about him so much but at the same time I'm feeling so trapped. Please help me

[Sun786102937465]

I have been with my partner for almost 6 months and have known him for just over a year now. He has been diagnosed with bod. At the moment his symptoms are very severe. He is extremely possessive and jealous, keeps accusing me of looking over at men and smiling in a sexual way in his presence, he believes that I am flirting with men and has become increasingly verbally abusive and when in his fit of rage he breaks everything around him, he calls me really awful names, it really feels like he hates me and I don't understand why. I know it's not really in his control but it has began to frighten me. When I ask for time out he won't let me. If we are having a phone conversation which I know is getting heated and I know that he will lose his calm, I tell him let's put the phone down and talk in a few minutes when we are both calm but, but he will just non-stop call me and if I don't pick up he turns up to my house, vandalises things, causes disturbance to neighbours. What makes it especially hard is that my family are not aware of my relationship with him as they would not approve given his condition, but I don't know what to do. I care about him so much but at the same time I'm feeling so trapped. Please help me

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

Hi Sara786102937465:
I'm sorry for what you are going through.  Everyone has to decide what is best for them.  Unfortunately, it takes a lot more than just caring for (even loving someone), to make a relationship healthy.  When someone shows you who they are, you have to believe them.

I tell him let's put the phone down and talk in a few minutes when we are both calm but, but he will just non-stop call me and if I don't pick up he turns up to my house, vandalises things, causes disturbance to neighbours. What makes it especially hard is that my family are not aware of my relationship with him as they would not approve given his condition, but I don't know what to do. I care about him so much but at the same time I'm
feeling so trapped. Please help me

Some people end up getting restraining orders in these situations.  Jealousy, vandalizing things and causing disturbances to neighbors are scary situations.  Although there could be some good times, you'd have to accept that you can't fix him and that the same bad behaviors will reappear.

The jealousy usually leads to controlling behaviors that increases over time and can lead to the termination of most (if not all) relationships in your life, other than with him. 

You indicate you can't discuss this with family.  It can be helpful to talk to someone about your situation.  If you live in the US this domestic violence hotline could be helpful: www.thehotline.org/    Even if you aren't in the area for phone contact, there is a lot of helpful information at thehotline website.

If you are in another country, you can try Googling to find a resource near you.  The behaviors you describe are abusive.  It would be a good idea to have a Safety Plan in place for yourself.  This location on this website can be helpful with a Safety Plan: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

You might even consider some counseling to help you make some decisions and explore why you might want to stay in the relationship.  What are the realistic pros and cons?  Might you be a bit co-dependent and want to rescue or fix people.

[living in the past]

Hello, What Do You Care What he Says? someone asked me that question.

[Sun786102937465]

Hi No One,

Thank-you for your response. I can’t say how good it feels to be able to talk to someone about this. I have never felt so suffocated as i have done this past year. Alot has happened since my last post, my partner was sectioned after a really bad episode, involving me. Since then he has been alot better, taking his medications and we have talked alot more about me having some space for myself, and boundaries that should be stuck to. There are still many challenges and difficulties every day but i can see a real determination in him to understand and deal with his thought processes better. I  reminded him of something he told me at the start of our relationship, that if he ever treated me badly he would try to stop me from leaving but he expects me to leave, do whatever it takes and leave.

[No-One]

Hi S786102937465:
It's good to hear from you.  I'm so glad that your partner is taking his meds and that things are improving.  It sounds like he hit a real low point.  The dark days of Winter can set the stage for bad episodes, when someone doesn't take their meds.

Since then he has been alot better, taking his medications and we have talked alot more about me having some space for myself, and boundaries that should be stuck to.

The thing to remember about boundaries is that they are your's.  No one has to agree with them.  It will always be up to you to enforce your boundaries.  (as opposed to having someone comply with them).

I  reminded him of something he told me at the start of our relationship, that if he ever treated me badly he would try to stop me from leaving but he expects me to leave, do whatever it takes and leave.

  That's a good thing for you to remember.  Some people journal (or document in some way) thoughts, words of wisdom, lessons learned, etc.  It can be too easy to forget things, so a reality check can be valuable.

Have a great New Year!  I hope things continue to improve in 2018.
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