Deciding to go LC, NC, or stay the course

[pyropsycho]

I've posted on here a few times before, but here's a brief summary: I'm in my late 20s with a uBPD mom and possibly sister, uNPD father, aunt, grandparents, etc. My parents have been divorced since I was really young, and I was abused by my mother and siblings and neglected by my father for as far back as I can remember. I live on my own several states away from most of my relatives. I've been pretty LC with my mom for about the past year or two.

I've been really struggling to figure out how to move forward with relationships with both of my parents. I'm finally starting to accept that they're never going to change and that nothing I say or do will help them be able to take any ownership over the parts they played in our family's dysfunction. But, now what? I've been feeling like my only options are to stay the course with what I'm doing now (which means continuing to get hurt and triggered by my parents and them disrespecting the boundaries I set) or to go completely NC with them. Today my T was trying to tell me that there's another option, which is learning how to accept them and somehow not get hurt by their words and actions?

I guess I just feel like I don't really get anything out of having relationships with my parents, other than like briefly feeling like someone cares about me and is acknowledging my existence, but I feel like I can get that and waaaaay more from friends, co-workers, a partner, etc. So, I'm curious to hear from both sides of the NC debate: those of you out there who decided not to go NC, why, how that has looked, what that even looks like, and then the same from anyone who is NC.

(I have also seen some stuff around here about a "no-run" policy, but I'm not sure if that applies to the whole site or just certain sections... .and I'm not sure I understand why that exists.)

[Turkish]

If you take a look at the Survivor's Guide in the right margin,  at what step would you be? I could guess,  but better if you judge where you are. 

Related to what your T said,  I went NC because my mother made accusations of criminal elder abuse.  The financial aspect was investigated.  Though quickly dismissed, because it was ridiculous.  Similarly,  getting involved a real estate lawyer would trigger her paranoia. 

So what I accept is that she is who she is,  and she has a right to think and be who she is,  as "an independent entity" to quote my T. He was talking about my ex,  but the thought applies to anybody.  Short of going to court,  I've done what I can.  I'll still take the phone call that will never come. 

So in your case,  it seems up to you to accept your parents for who they are,  and also up to you to erect boundaries.  How do you feel about this? Radical Acceptance is hard.  I've done it with the mother of my children and with my mom. 

[pyropsycho]

That's a great question. I think I'm through the Remembering phase, but I haven't actually sat down and made an inventory, so I guess Mourning #8?

I guess that's what was so hard about my T saying that there's another way, because I feel like I've tried everything already and I feel hopeless. I can accept that my mother is who she is and has a right to think and do what she does, AND I also have a right to protect myself and so far, setting boundaries has not been enough. I don't know what else to do when boundaries I've set have been violated, not been respected, or resulted in more anger and abuse. I'm just like so done, and I don't see a point in putting tremendous time and effort into our relationship when she so clearly is not willing to do the same. Is that just completely unfair of me?

[bright_future_mama]

I have struggled with this same dilemma.  BPD Mom and NPD Dad (divorced).  What I have found is that being in a relationship with my parents causes me such anxiety and results in such emotional upset that it is not worth it.  I don't trust them; I know I can't depend on them.  Things are twisted and used against me.  I used to dread holidays knowing I had to deal with them and knowing that holidays were triggers for my parents.  I know they will never be the kind of parents you go to for advice.  It is totally surface for my protection and what kind of relationship is that?  I get really sad and feel guilty because no contact seems so drastic but I go backwards in terms of mental health when I deal with them.  I have to stay healthy for my own family (married with four children).  I've tried to let them back in only to be disappointed again.  I guess some people can have a relationship with their BP parents knowing that it isn't a relationship of substance, but I just can't.  We were always taught to pretend to be the perfect family and I feel that is what I'm doing when I keep it so surface and don't hold them accountable for their actions. So for me, it is for survival.  I read a quote recently that said "she had to distance herself to save herself."  That's how I see my situation. 

[Turkish]

That's a great question. I think I'm through the Remembering phase, but I haven't actually sat down and made an inventory, so I guess Mourning #8?

I guess that's what was so hard about my T saying that there's another way, because I feel like I've tried everything already and I feel hopeless. I can accept that my mother is who she is and has a right to think and do what she does, AND I also have a right to protect myself and so far, setting boundaries has not been enough. I don't know what else to do when boundaries I've set have been violated, not been respected, or resulted in more anger and abuse. I'm just like so done, and I don't see a point in putting tremendous time and effort into our relationship when she so clearly is not willing to do the same. Is that just completely unfair of me?

First,  I don't think it is unfair.  Second,  however,  does a lot of your anger stem from expecting her to be who she is not? She's limited with regard to the reciprocation common to a healthy r/s.

This thread is about Radical Acceptance.  It's more geared towards spouses, but tell us if you find anything useful here: Radical Acceptance

We view it as "unwilling" but it might be more like "incapable."

Which throws the ball into our courts... .