My intro + looking for holiday advice

[zemara]

Hello all. Long time reader, first time poster. Warning, long post ahead! The very last paragraph has my question looking for holiday advice if you need a tl;dr.

I’ve been working with a therapist for 2.5 years now, learning to set boundaries with my uBPD mother (queen/witch) and undo the damage to my self-esteem and psyche. This board has been a source of comfort through the process, reminding me that YES, there are other people out there who get it, and no, I am not crazy. I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made in the last few years, as far as taking control of my sense of self, and finally learning to live my life for myself. I still struggle with a lot of the practical aspects of how to maintain a “relationship” with my mother. It’s important to me that I still try to treat her with as much kindness and respect as I’m capable of, as a value for myself, but that can be so difficult when she’s pushing my buttons and irrationally raging, and knowing that she will always tell me I’m failing and being a bad daughter. I’ve chosen not to go NC with her, but it’s been a tough thing to navigate.

I’m learning to see through the FOG, acknowledge the emotional abuse that has occurred, and focus on protecting myself and being compassionate to myself. My habit is to self-doubt, self-blame, and self-judge (gee, wonder where that came from), and it’s a slow process to undo that. Since I was about 15 years old, my mom has been on me about my weight (which, looking back, was not actually an issue in high school) in very unhealthy ways (e.g. constant messaging that my value as a person was dependent on how I looked). I can see now that it was probably more of a control thing for her, but regardless it really distorted my self-image and my sense of self-worth. (Working theory: She started to see me growing up, flourishing, and coming into my own, and it triggered her fears of abandonment, like I was outgrowing her. She consciously or unconsciously responded by finding a way to clip my wings by devaluing me. Dunno if that’s true, but it feels plausible to me.)

It became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I steadily gained weight through my 20s. Now, at 31, I’m finally learning to give myself space around questions of food and exercise, and to feel out what I want my life and my health to look like, for me, outside of the baggage of the last decade and a half. She’s said things like, my career/professional accomplishments are undermined because of my weight and no one takes me seriously; that I am only religious as a defense mechanism so I can feel good about myself about something I am doing "right", and that my problems with her actually stem from the fact that I am so unhappy with myself. Cognitively, I know it’s not true, but on an emotional level there’s pieces of me that have always believed all of those things. My father is actually harder for me to understand; he gets swept into whatever she believes and defers to her at every turn. He’s gone so far as to tell me he doesn’t think I’m beautiful, and that no one will be interested in/marry me looking the way I do. With my mother, I can come back to the fact that she has a personality disorder and that she is mentally ill; I feel harsh saying that, but it actually allows me to look at her with more compassion and acceptance. She can’t control this; she didn’t choose it; it makes her miserable (in additional to making all of us miserable), and that is a really sad situation all around. With my father, I don’t know how to reconcile it.

I’m posting now because recently I’ve been having some trouble with the practical moment-to-moment interactions. I live in a different city from my parents, so it’s mostly phone calls right now, but they are emotionally exhausting. I’m also worried about the upcoming holidays. For the first time ever, I’m choosing not to go home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. None of my siblings are going, and without them as a buffer, I know in my heart it would be too damaging for me. I also know I’m going to be lonely, by myself, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It makes me go into that place of, “I am not normal, I have no friends or family to spend these days with, what is wrong with me?”; I also feel so weird when people ask me what my holiday plans are. I usually tell friends that I’m not going home because of work obligations, but I honestly don’t know what to say to people at work. I feel like a freak saying I’m not spending the holidays with my family, and I don’t want to explain by getting into the details of my BPD mother/family dysfunction with them. Any advice on how to deal with that?

[Turkish]

. My father is actually harder for me to understand; he gets swept into whatever she believes and defers to her at every turn. He’s gone so far as to tell me he doesn’t think I’m beautiful, and that no one will be interested in/marry me looking the way I do

That's unbelievably cruel,  and I'm sorry he's said that to you.  As a father of a girl,  I can't ever imagine thinking,  much less saying something like that.  The mother of my kids has a borderline eating disorder (pun intended), and I'm wary of my 5 year old daughter getting emotional junk put into her head. 

As for the holidays, can you feel comfortable to an extent,  just being brief? "My parents have other plans and so so I." No need to explain. 

[StandUp8]

I’m learning to see through the FOG, acknowledge the emotional abuse that has occurred, and focus on protecting myself and being compassionate to myself. My habit is to self-doubt, self-blame, and self-judge (gee, wonder where that came from), and it’s a slow process to undo that. Since I was about 15 years old, my mom has been on me about my weight (which, looking back, was not actually an issue in high school) in very unhealthy ways (e.g. constant messaging that my value as a person was dependent on how I looked). I can see now that it was probably more of a control thing for her, but regardless it really distorted my self-image and my sense of self-worth. (Working theory: She started to see me growing up, flourishing, and coming into my own, and it triggered her fears of abandonment, like I was outgrowing her. She consciously or unconsciously responded by finding a way to clip my wings by devaluing me. Dunno if that’s true, but it feels plausible to me.)

This speaks to me on so many levels. I'm a newbie to this group and have grown up with a bipolar mother. I was just pointed to the possibility of her also having BPD and the more I read, the more I know it's true. I thought I was the only one that grew up this way. When I was in 8th grade, so 13, my mom took me to the diet Dr. and had me put on diet pills. Looking back I wasn't overly heavy either. I never thought about it having anything to do with fear of abandonment or anything, but as I'm learning about BPD and knowing my mother and how that seems to be her biggest trigger ... .and her need for control ... .it all makes sense to me now. So I would say that you are on to something there. Another thing my mother would do is buy expensive clothing for herself, and when it came to school shopping for me, I was allowed her hand me downs. Wow... .just wow. I just thought it selfish but now I'm understanding there was so much more going on. And exactly as you said, consciously or subconsciously.

[so_overit]

For the first time ever, I’m choosing not to go home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. None of my siblings are going, and without them as a buffer, I know in my heart it would be too damaging for me. I also know I’m going to be lonely, by myself, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It makes me go into that place of, “I am not normal, I have no friends or family to spend these days with, what is wrong with me?”; I also feel so weird when people ask me what my holiday plans are. I usually tell friends that I’m not going home because of work obligations, but I honestly don’t know what to say to people at work. I feel like a freak saying I’m not spending the holidays with my family, and I don’t want to explain by getting into the details of my BPD mother/family dysfunction with them. Any advice on how to deal with that?

I am so sorry you have gone thru this! My almost ex-husband is BPD and I intentionally filed the divorce before the holidays because I couldn't bare the thought of yet another holiday season being ruined. SO, enough about me. Do you have any friends with nothing going on? I had a friend who used to throw an "orphan christmas" every year and it was all ppl who didn't want to, or couldn't, spend time with family.

I'm spending it this year just me and my 2 little ones. It'll be very mellow and I'm so excited about that. Last year we got chased in a blizzard by the madman that was out to ruin xmas.

I was invited for thanksgiving by a group (found out my stbx will be there), I said "thanks much, but we have plans". We don't, but that's ok, they don't have to know!

[zemara]

Turkish, thank you for the advice! I can sometimes overthink things and feel like I owe people explanations, so it’s good to remember that being brief is absolutely an option also. Thanks too for your perspective from a father’s point of view, it means a lot. I’m glad your daughter has you in her life to hopefully balance out whatever negative messaging she may end up getting; the fact that it’s on your radar already is huge, and I think that will translate into a beautiful defense/protection for her as she gets older.

StandUp8, wow 13 is so young to have to be dealing with something like that! It’s crazy how all of it gets inside your head, especially when it’s presented to you as "truth" during your adolescence. I’m so glad you found this place. It’s incredible how helpful it is to just read other people’s posts and know they’ve experienced similar things.

so_overit, I love that you were able to take control of your situation and the timing, and did it in the way that was best for you. Your mellow holiday plans with the kids this year sounds really nice. Thanks for your advice, too. I like the idea of doing an “orphan christmas”. There’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to ask around in my friends circle to see if anyone else is on their own, because it makes me feel like I’m exposing myself and the fact that I’m lonely/abnormal (as far as my family dynamic goes, at least), but then the other part of me knows that my friends love me, and the ones that matter definitely wouldn’t think that. I’m also a pretty strong introvert, so sometimes I know that I need to push through my internal resistance to make plans with people!

[Panda39]

Hi zemara,

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and do not have a BPDmom.  However, my mom and I are very mismatched, she is intellectual and critical and I am creative and sensitive.  I spent a long time trying to be what she wanted me to be, feeling bad about my authentic self, and getting my feelings hurt by her criticism.  She is to this day the voice I hear when my inner critic starts talking.

I totally relate to the negative weight messages, I too was a perfectly healthy weight but thought I was fat and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  "you have such a pretty face you'd look great if you lost some weight", "you have great legs but you could still loose a few pounds"... .parts of me were good but all of me was never good enough.  I was also made to feel that I wasn't smart enough.

It took me a long time but I finally realized that the criticism of me is really about her.  She is concerned about how she looks to others, she is concerned about how I am a reflection on her,  she needs to criticize others to feel good about herself... .

It took me a long time to realize that I am great just the way I am, that just because I am not her image of the perfect daughter does not mean that I am not a great person in my own right. Now when she criticizes I think to myself "This is about her and isn't about me at all" and the criticism just rolls right off because I don't believe it anymore.

As far as Christmas goes, do what you want and what makes you happy, relax and enjoy the quiet time.  If it was me I'd turn on my Christmas tree, listen to some Christmas music, cook something special and just enjoy the day... .watch that movie you missed in the theater, read the book that you haven't had time for, if your a crafter work on your latest project.  Maybe you could invite some friends for a walk in the afternoon or you could Volunteer somewhere.  There are as many things to do on Christmas that you can imagine.  You do not have to try and have a "Hallmark" Christmas, you can have Christmas anyway you want, create new traditions for yourself.   

I agree with Turkish you don't have to explain to anyone what you are going to do.  I learned about JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) and not to do it in terms of an argument, but I have found that I have used it in so many other situations too.

Take Care,
Panda39

[bright_future_mama]

I often wonder as children of borderlines if we feel the need to explain, to justify ourselves (like explaining to the co-workers).  I often do this and go into much more explanation that necessary about everything with everybody.  I also think the eating issues are interesting.  My mother did the same to my little sister and she developed bulimia as a result.  She still struggles with this now as a 35 year old.  We had to look perfect growing up (my mom drove a BMW but couldn't pay the bills).

I cannot do holidays with my family.  It doesn't matter if it is a birthday, a wedding, a birth, Christmas, Easter... .they can only hold it together for so long.  Things start to unravel and I end up emotionally exhausted.  What is hard is that my sisters choose to still do holidays with my mother, even though they know what she is capable of.  It's hard to feel left out, but harder to be a part of it.  I just try to focus on my own children/husband and making my own traditions.  It's almost a relief not to deal with them during the holidays... .but still sad.

Hugs to you!  My advice is to take care of yourself.  I live in the same town with my family and it makes things so hard.  Distance is good... .