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Author Topic: I'm suspicious that my mom has BPD, I need help desperately, sos  (Read 367 times)
Carync

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5


« on: November 20, 2017, 02:46:47 AM »

I want to first say this is my first post in here, and this is the reason I'm joining. I don't have BPD.

I'm a 34 year old male, and for years my family, and my father who's now passed has always had some sort of issues with my mom. We were never able to quite figure out what was wrong, and even to this day, I'm not quite sure.

What I have to deal with though is that my father has passed at an early age and apparently she says he left everything to her, and has so put her name on it.

My mom for years has always acted strangely towards certain family members, and has always seen one as a good person while everyone else is evil. She has no inbetweens, you're either good or bad. She never really treats me like a son; she always keeps her distance and is only happy when I buy her things or help her out. Her voice even changes when she wants to be nice or wants something. She enshrines my brother who she puts on a throne, and everyone else in the family she treats as a monster. She goes so far with my brother as to kick other family members out of the house if he has a problem with them and call the police on them.

My mom has acted abusive torwards me, and has threatened self harm from an early age. She is incredibly angry at times where she will rant and rave for no apparent reason, she will blame you or anyone else when she makes a mistake and does something, she will always blame you for anything that really goes wrong. She only acts like this behind closed doors which is the strange thing. She constantly calls the police on family or when she has an issue up unto the point where the police have become sick of it and have told her so.

I don't know what to do at this day and age. I'm trying to get close to my mom, but it's always in the back of my head to keep my distance. I'm amazed at 65 years old, she stills throws fits and rages like someone half that age. I almost want to commit my mother at times, but I don't know where to start. The rest of the family is quite afraid of her as she's incredibly vengeful and calls the police to the point where she will fabricate stories and send people to jail.

The only people my mom seems to like are people that are abusive to her and seem to enjoy fighting and screaming and shouting. I don't know how to deal with this as these people usually ended up dealing drugs in my house at an early age. It's like my mom has no concept of reality, and I have no concept of what to do.
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HappyChappy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1607



« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2017, 03:12:08 AM »

Hi Carync

I am so sorry you have had to deal with all this. It must have been awful growing up. You have describe a great deal of BPD behaviour in your post. For example.

1)   Black and white thinking, i.e. everyone is good or bad.
2)   Your fathers will all goes to her (same thing with my BPD)
3)   “She keeps her distance” – BPD are afraid of intimacy.
4)   Puts your brother on throne this is a know as triangulation, i.e. a golden child and a scape goat.
5)   Self harm.
6)   She Rages and is vengeful i.e. the negative emotions of an 8 year old.
7)   She likes those that are abusive to her (who are probably others with a PD)

This sort of behaviour is discussed a lot on this forum. It is not the norm and it is total unacceptable. Its damaging to a child and many of us do benefit from help and support. Feel free to explore your childhood further here. Many people find it helpful to get validation and learn tips on how to cope with such behaviour. Also tips on how to become healthier yourself. Most BPD bring their kids up to serve the BPD, so we often forget about the support we need. But this forum is very generous and we support for our fellow BPD family members. Lets be honest, many of us were brought up to support. So feel free to ask questions or just recount difficult times of your childhood, or things that bug you right now. Welcome 
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2017, 06:17:00 AM »

Hi Cary-

One thing to consider is why do you want to be close to your mother? She may not be someone you want to be close to. You can still have contact with her, but in ways that do not affect you emotionally, physically, or financially. Or you can also choose to not have contact with her ( some people do that). You may not know what you want to do - and you don't have to make the choice now. However, it is good to know what your choices are.

You mentioned your father left everything to her. Since this is probably the case ( as well as many state marital laws)- then it is hers to do what she wishes with. I also had to accept this when my father passed away. I did not expect anything of value financially but some of his possessions were sentimental to me. Knowing that, my mother held on to them, occasionally calling me up to tell me I had to get them now or she would throw them out. Or she would not let me have them at all. If I did come to get them, she'd change her mind at the last minute.

For my own peace of mind, I had to let go of the hope to get anything. Over time, she has given some things to my children so I am grateful we have some of them.

The other thing we were concerned about was if she would mismanage the finances he left her. I tried to help my parents with them when my father was ill, but as you can imagine, that did not go well. So now, she is in control of all of it, and it is her legal right to do whatever she wants with it.

I was also her "black child" and another sibling is the "golden child". Although this may feel hurtful at the moment, it is actually a gift. This sibling feels emotionally attached to her in a way I do not. All children are attached to their mothers, but since my mother didn't show affection for me, I don't feel the motherly attachment. Still,she is my mother and we have a relationship but I am not close to her like this sibling is. They actually do things together, share interests and enjoy things together. My relationship is more functional- if she needs something- but I am OK with this. Being less attached gives me choices. My relationship with her is more out of choice than attachment.

The other thing that is important to me is being financially independent from her.

Cary, you are a young man with a lot of possibilities ahead of you. You can have a completely separate life of your own- job, home, family of your own, without your mother. You can choose to be in contact with her and kind to her no matter what her moods are.  You don't need her to love you or care about you to have a happy fulfilling life.



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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2017, 07:22:05 AM »

Hi Cary,

I want to join the others and welcome you to the BPD Family 

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  None of us can diagnose someone but I found out about BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying" and I like you found that the shoe fit. 

Excerpt
I don't know what to do at this day and age. I'm trying to get close to my mom, but it's always in the back of my head to keep my distance.

This jumped out at me.  I also think you should ask yourself why you want to be closer to your mom.  What is pushing you to want to be closer to her?

You've already told us why the back of your head (or your gut) is telling you to keep your distance... .

 
... .has always seen one as a good person while everyone else is evil. She has no inbetweens, you're either good or bad.

 
She never really treats me like a son... .

... .she always keeps her distance and is only happy when I buy her things or help her out.

Her voice even changes when she wants to be nice or wants something. She enshrines my brother who she puts on a throne, and everyone else in the family she treats as a monster.

My mom has acted abusive torwards me... .

she will always blame you for anything that really goes wrong.

I'm amazed at 65 years old, she stills throws fits and rages like someone half that age.

So again the question becomes why do you want to get closer to your mom?  Pressure from Society, or family? FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt), hope that your (wished for mom) will show up? Do you want to rescue her from herself?

I'm not saying don't have a relationship with your mom but why get closer to someone that is so hurtful?  If she was someone you met on the street would you want to be friends with her?

I don't have a BPDmom but I have a very critical mother that for years I tried to please, and be close to and no matter what I did it was never good enough.  I finally realized that I was a great person as I am and no longer try to be something I'm not to please her.  I am not what she wants me to be and she is not what I want her to be.  I now just accept her for who she is and I don't buy the criticism anymore because it really is about her... .her insecurities, her need for me to be a reflection of her etc... .She still does and says hurtful things but I just think to myself "That's about her it isn't about me".  We still have a relationship but it is more distant and that's okay.

Put yourself first, what is the healthiest thing for you to do for you?  There are lots of ways to go in terms of your mom. There are tools that can help in your interactions but think about what is good for you, not what is good for your mom, or society, or out of a sense of obligation. 

Take Care,
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Carync

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2017, 03:30:27 AM »

You know what, thanks everybody. I actually don't feel like a gigantic ass for the first time in 30 years. You all wouldn't imagine it, but I've been beaten battered, and told that I'm no good no matter what I do. That was a real relief. I'm not going to say your experiences are easier, and I'm also not going to say that I'm going to agree to completely leave my mom at this point to her insane ways.

I might look at leaving her alone in the future as an option. I do feel guilt for leaving her, and I do worry about her doing super, super crazy stuff when she's alone because that's when she feeds her demons the most and turns on everyone.

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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2017, 06:44:20 AM »

I might look at leaving her alone in the future as an option. I do feel guilt for leaving her, and I do worry about her doing super, super crazy stuff when she's alone because that's when she feeds her demons the most and turns on everyone.

You don't have to go no contact with your mom and there are lots of things you can do in between what you've always done and no contact.  You can try going low contact... .see her less often, talk to her on the phone less often, you could try email... .that slows down the interaction so you can think about how and what you respond to, you could set boundaries... .if she rages, tell her if she doesn't stop you will leave, if she continues leave, you could try some of the communication tools here like SET (Support Emathy Truth), or you could try Validation... .this is not about validating bad behavior but validating the feelings your mom might be having behind the behavior.  You could try any or all of these things one thing might work better in one situation and another work better in another situation.

The other thing I wanted to say to you is, you are not responsible for your mother, her life, her feelings, or her choices.  She is an adult. She has most likely your whole life played the victim and you have been taught to be her caretaker but she is not your responsibility she is responsible for herself and her actions.

Take Care,
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
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