Anger and Jealousy - But I don’t want it to be over

[Chemgirl]

Today he ended it. He called it his need to “separate” and has not said that before. I just am at a loss. My uBPDso and I have been seeing each other for 6mos and we work together. THAT adds some complicated nuances to our (secret while at work) relationship. It is not against policy, but we decided to keep it quiet. HE has always had trust issues - and we have dealt with them. Just last Friday he was telling me how he has to start trusting me more and he is working on it. Then he sees a vase of flowers on my desk. He asked who gave them to me (a guy just friend), stormed out and did not look at me or speak to me since. Until this evening when he said he needs to separate.

Story about the flowers: I ran into a guy I met for coffee one time two years ago.  He showed up at my church last Sunday. We spoke. I told him I’m not interested in dating -that I am dating a guy and i also mentioned I work with him. This guy sent flowers to me at work! I debated 1. throwing them away 2. keeping them a work or 3. taking them home. 1=ridiculously dramatic and would look like MORE 2=not good especially with his insecurities 3=the appearance of HIDING something. Enough people saw me get them, including his assistant. So, I KNEW he would HEAR about them eventually. I decided on 2 to not appear as if I am hiding anything.

Well. My uBPDso has relayed to me many times how he does not FEEL - recently just going though motions. No feelings. Today he told me when he saw the flowers he FELT STRONGLY and did not like it. So. We “must separate”.

I love him. And even knowing how high maintenance a relationship with him is and will continue to be, I have been completely willing to be his rock. I am still willing. At the advice of very close friend who has significant experience with personality disorders, I started (a month or two ago) texting him each and every night “I love you” and “good night” even if we weren’t able to catch up at all during the day. Or, if he was withdrawn all day and not wanting to talk to me.  The one night I fell asleep and didn’t send that message - he dysregulated the next day. So I saw the benefit in my nightly reassurance

I know I can get on without him. I don’t want to. I want to be there for him, but He has to want me there. I am struggling with the realization this may actually be the end. There were a few times I thought he ended things, until I realized his disorder. I want this to be part of his BPD reaction, but one has never gone more than through the weekend and Monday is always better. Not today. And his normal time is less than a day.

He has told me to go to the guy who sent the flowers. I don’t want him. I am not interested in that guy.

Again I know I will be just fine whether this is just one of his BPD reactions, or if we are actually, finally over. I don’t want it to be over. I love him and want to continue to be there for him, even if others think I’m insane. And just writing this out has seemed to help me feel better about it all.

Thus far we have exchanged texts. I have let him know I love him and I cannot control what another guys does. He feels I “paraded” the flowers in front of him and that he would never do such a thing.

I can see he is having problems with the whole situation. Today at work i heard people commenting that he “let all the crazy out” - which until today I have been the only one to see! He raged at and  in front of others. I only heard about it from someone who heard from someone.

Maybe it happened because he didn’t/doesn’t have me to do that to/at any longer? In any case. I need support. And prayers-positive thoughts/vibes) I am hoping to find them here I guess! Any and all suggestions on how to properly deal with and/or respond will most certainly be welcome as well!

Thank you

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[Tattered Heart]

Thus far we have exchanged texts. I have let him know I love him and I cannot control what another guys does. He feels I “paraded” the flowers in front of him and that he would never do such a thing.

Welcome! ,

I'm sorry that you are going through this break up. It sounds like you were trying to do the right thing and it backfired. Your bf is talking to you and it seems like he gave you a very big clue about what he is feeling. I would suggest that if he talks about this again, to not try to explain away what happened, but instead to validate what he is feeling--embarassed and publicly humiliated.

As for the guy who sent you flowers, have you contacted him? It seems to me that he was using manipulative, controlling behavior. He knew that you worked with your bf. He knew your bf would see the flowers. And yet he still sent them to you. Why? Also you had already told him that you were not interested in a relationship with him, yet he still sent you flowers in an attempt to push you past your "no" even he said it was "just as friends". Men rarely send flowers to women who are just friends. It's expensive. Flowers are meant to make a statement, not just to the person receiving them, but to everyone else who sees you get them. Would you consider this a boundary violation?

Will you continue to be in contact with this guy and if so what will you do if he continues to try to pressure you into a relationship?

[Chemgirl]

I have thought more about the guy who sent the flowers and the flowers themselves. I have stopped talking to him, and I gave the flowers to a coworker who admired them. I don’t want anything to do with either.

Yesterday my guy and finally I did talk, after a huge dramatic scene at work after which he gave me a huge hug and told me we needed to discuss this guy that sent the flowers and the whole flowers thing. He told me I should not dismiss his feelings about it all. (Not that at any point I feel I have, but since he feels I have - it is something we do need to talk about). Sometimes he says we need to talk about something and then it never comes about - I hope this does. With my guy, however, if he is too uncomfortable and I push... .he shuts down hard. I am hoping to talk this weekend. We need to.

[once removed]

hi Chemgirl, and

im with Tattered Heart here when it comes to how to approach this talk.

ordinarily, most people would be inclined to explain this away, after all, you have no interest in this guy, and you were taking your partners feelings into account, trying not to hide anything.

people with BPD traits react strongly based on feelings. if you JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), its going to put you on the defensive, and in his eyes that will just make you look guilty (or be a dismissal of his feelings).

try to get at what is driving the reaction, the feelings behind it. that is something you can validate.

of course he may press for some level of explanation, you dont want to stonewall or refuse to discuss it, you just dont want to take bait and fall into a circular argument. in this case SET can work really well.

bottom line, he primarily wants to be heard and to know you appreciate his concerns/feelings. listen with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy). validate the valid, dont validate the invalid, and in general, dont be invalidating.

Sometimes he says we need to talk about something and then it never comes about - I hope this does. With my guy, however, if he is too uncomfortable and I push... .he shuts down hard. I am hoping to talk this weekend. We need to.

i think youre right not to push too hard on this. on some level he may feel that hes overreacting, which feels embarrassing, and he might prefer to drop it. id let him come to you on his time, but make it known you are available to talk and ready to listen. if you sense hed prefer to let it go, id let it go.