BPDxw

[Pegasis722]

It's been two weeks since my undiagnosed BPDstbxw left me and the kids here in Florida for a third time. She's left me four times total, but was nice enough to take my children when she went to NY two years ago. We met in 2009, a year after I quit drinking. I was 29, she 20. I knew she came from bad family circumstances (dad left when she was an infant, mother is a full-blown narcissist). I knew she was in a mental institution twice at 14 for failed suicide attempts. It did seem a little odd that she would just smile and sway when we first got together, she didn't have much to say. In retrospect, she was sizing me up. Our sex life was early and often and we moved intogether quickly. 3 months in, she was pregnant with our daughter. The signs were always there. As they say, something is off, missing.

I remember bringing her home to meet my friends and she disappeared for an hour, leaving me embarrassed and questioning. She was a vegetarian when we met and within a few months, was eating bacon. She converted to Catholicism without me asking. Looking back, When she'd say she liked something, I'd often quip, "you don't know what you like." now, that may be an incredibly rude and dismissive thing to say, but it's also a peculiar thing to say to someone. She gave me the silent treatment always. no hugs, no affection. after we married four years in, I wanted to move into a more meaningful lovemaking, but she was only capable of ___ing. All the sings were there. textbook. right down to the way she'd always tell me about other men who would flirt with her to keep me emasculated, the occupational failings and sickliness.

I guess I shouldn't be angry that she took my kids and stole 5k to move two years ago. I was upset but composed when I found her facebook messaging like a teenager with a guy in our apartment complex or when she'd invite one of the scummier dads over to help her move a couch. I shouldn't be upset that she left in the middle of the night 5 months ago, leaving me with our 5 and 7 year-olds to raise alone. or that she was sending sexual messages with a guy up in NY for months before she left us. I was devastated to hear about her behavior from her mom and sister, which belied the gentle/good girl/victim she always projected to the outside world. She got a boyfriend within two weeks. he's 27 (she now 29). He's into skateboarding, emo song lyrics, and works at his parents' liquor store. I was disgusted that she didn't call her kids for two whole months, right up until I received an email that explained how she had been feeling in our marriage. She had a point in telling me that my anger and name calling were problems. they were. I have to be gentle with myself and understand I didn't know what I was dealing with and that hers is crazy-making behavior, but it's up to me to show respect and I did a bad job of that in too many circumstances. we spoke and she came home. Shut down even before she got back. four days later, she was back on a plane to NY and back to her boyfriend. a week and a half later, I get a call in which she reads me a love letter, apologizing for the hell she put me through for 8+ years. she knows she has a problem. she's been seeing a therapist and has bipolar. My heart melts. When you live with someone who gives you crumbs, to be told everything you wanted them to tell you is something even the most stoic of person would have a hard time resisting. I believed it was true contrition. Three conditions: she get therapy, we go to marriage counseling, and she stop talking to the boyfriend. She came home the next day.  And for two days, things were good.

but then she started to pull away. My birthday came and she used the excuse of being sick as the reason she didn't so much as write me a little note, I am an anxious preoccupied, so my radar is always up. I caught her talking with him on the phone, hacked into her email account to see she'd drop me off at work and talk with him for hours. lots of phone calls. long ones. The one time she left her cell unattended, I picked it up, staring at the prompt for a 4-digit passcode. Mine is my daughter's birthday, but--as someone who had read up on BPD a lot by this point--thought to myself, "think more selfish." I recalled finding a receipt she kept to the liquor store when she and the boyfriend first met. I thought to the date on the receipt... July 19th. 07/19. 0719. phone opens. She came in shortly thereafter and starting jumping on me and trying to tear the phone out of my hands. I'm 6'3", 245, so she had no chance. I asked when they started speaking and she admitted it was two days after she got back. When she got here, I was in her phone with a couple emoji and a red heart next to my name. Now, he was in her phone as "my Beau" along with the same emojis that were next to mine two weeks earlier. She called me a disaster, that I hadn't changed enough. In a text to her mom, she said she was just waiting for the 401k loan I promised to give her if she would stay here and get her own place. South Florida is too expensive for her, which is fair, when you have a GED, no license, and don't know what direction E and W are in a state that borders the Atlantic Ocean.

I asked her right up until we went to the lawyer's office to sign the long distance parenting plan (she gets them 50 nights in NY and must bear ALL of the travel costs) and divorce papers (I get our 22k in debt, but pay no alimony or child support), but unlike last time, I gave no hug and "I love you" when she left. I just handed her the check for $2500 she requested and walked out. After all, she didn't want my love, just the money, life, and stability I provided. I tried to give her so much in the time we were together. A good life, a normal life. She ___ on all of it. I worked so hard to provide for my family and she couldn't be bothered to keep a 1000 square foot apartment clean while the kids were at school every weekday from 8a-3p. She's left her own kids and thinks it's fine because she facetimes them 3 times a week. She's "in love" with this guy and is so excited to live in the place she always told me she hated. Of course, even South Florida sucks when you hate yourself.

I'm so glad she's gone. A certain amount of order and quiet has returned to the life of me and my two kids. They seem okay, but I know how hurtful it was for them to wake up to their mother abandoning them and how much her coming back twice--only to leave again--messed with their heads. The second time is certainly on me. I have to protect them.

I know her relationship is doomed and while it doesn't matter, I do want to be ready for the next time she charms me. I know it's coming. I know worrying about her is a problem I need to deal with and there is a significant gap between what I know in my mind and what my heart believes. This person has revealed herself as an impulsive, selfish, lying, cheating, snake and I still love her. Says plenty about me and my issues that I would love and take back someone like that.

It's funny, in all of our time together, I always wantted her to give me something. It's in leaving that she actually did. She has made a terrible mistake in leaving a devoted (albeit flawed) husband and two beautiful, innocent children. I know this will hit her like a ton of bricks. The good news is, now she will have to bear the consequences of it if she is to make it back to them. The sad reality most on here know, is that it's rare for soemone with her condition to do any heavy lifting. And my Borderline Waif of an ex wife doesn't lift a finger unless it suits her.

And if that's who she really is? we are ALL better off without her. 

[Mutt]

Hi Pegasis722,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You mentioned crazy making, the push / pull behaviour that BPDxw is putting you through feels like crazy make me behaviour for you.

You didn’t mention if she was diagnosed with BPD? She mentioned BiP, you’re clever with figuring out her passcode on her phone, did you suspect that it was BPD?

. They seem okay, but I know how hurtful it was for them to wake up to their mother abandoning them and how much her coming back twice--only to leave again--messed with their heads. The second time is certainly on me. I have to protect them

Some people never break the cycle. Kids are constantly watching us, some things fall through the cracks, but what example would they get if you keep taking her back? Down the road they may find themselves in the same type of r/s if they mirror their parents’s r/s patterns. You can lead them from example.

I know it's coming. I know worrying about her is a problem I need to deal with and there is a significant gap between what I know in my mind and what my heart believes. This person has revealed herself as an impulsive, selfish, lying, cheating, snake and I still love her. Says plenty about me and my issues that I would love and take back someone like that.

This is just my advice and I’m sure others will give you different advice. You don’t have to take my advice but it might help someone else.

I think that it starts with saying that you’ve had enough, nothing changes without change, it’s not a clear path but you don’t have to go through this alone. There are a lot of people her in similar situations as you.

If you start to feel tempted than join a discussion or start your own thread here and talking to others will help to recentre yourself and clear the fog. You’re still in the fog right now but it takes time to clear the fog and detach, you need more time behind you.

Have you thought about talking to a T or a P? Talking to a good T really does wonders and it helps to talk to a support like us.

Don’t be hard on yourself, a relationship takes two people, even if she tries to avoid her problems it doesn’t mean that you have take ownership. Take what you own in the d/s which I see you doing already but leave her stuff with her even if she blames the world for her problems.

It means that you are a person that needs help, you have some awareness if you knew that things weren’t right, if what she’s doing isn’t right, you’ve outgrown her and want something more in r/s than being by given the cold shoulder and just providing more for her. You have a right to be happy.

Thanks for joining us. You’re not alone.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Pegasis722,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you.  What you've been through is an ordeal like no other and it must seem like it has all been a bad dream at times.  I know I felt like that.  Except I'd wake up and realise that the nightmare had been real.  Having so much love and acceptance of someone who could go from returning it one minute to destroying all that was good in the r/s the next is one heck of a rollercoaster ride and could leave even the strongest person feeling exhausted and broken.  I feel for you, especially that you have children together.  That link will never be severed.  That is going to be challenging and I would recommend in time that you read up and post on the Co parenting board, as I'm sure this will prove really helpful to you. 

On the upside, these children can be your salvation through all of this.  Where you may not have valued yourself enough to say the words in the past, you most certainly value them and will be able to remind yourself of their need for stability and well being if and when the next recycle attempt happens.  I have a 3 year old son and he has saved me from the clutches of a deeply enmeshed and extremely unhealthy r/s with a man who has BPD.  My son is my primary focus and I would not allow that type of destructive r/s I experienced to affect his life after what I experienced when alone with my partner at the end.  Remain strong for your children.  They now need you to role model healthy behaviour and to give them safety and security.  Are either of them speaking about their feelings with anyone?  This could be worth looking into as they have been through a lot, as have you.  They will need a lot of validation right now, and this is a great skill to learn for any parent.  You can read more about this and see a great video via the Tools menu at the top of the page.  Just continue being a dependable father to whom your children can turn and I'm sure they have a great chance of getting through this difficult time with your love, support and care.   

To begin repairing yourself, so that you may start to detach and heal, I'd encourage you to read all you can here.  The articles and lessons to the right are a great starting point.  I'd highly recommend the article Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD, as this helped me enormously to see which beliefs were keeping me stuck, and to work on these.  I'd be interested to hear if any of these resonate with you.  You will quickly find that you're in good company here, so post as much as you need to.  Getting your feelings out is very cathartic and you'll be sharing with others who fully understand.  Do you also have supportive friends/family?  Also, take good care of yourself and think about what you can do with your free time that will benefit you.  Connect with people and find ways to inject fun and joy (no matter how contrived at first) into your life, as you can now begin to breed good habits which will benefit you in the future.  Are there any activities you once enjoyed that fell by the wayside which you could re start?  Perhaps something new that you always imagined you'd get around to some day?  Grieving takes time, so for now, focus on looking after yourself and the children and as soon as you're ready to step outside of your comfort zone, step out.  Slowly but surely, you can build a life which is of your own design.  We will be here whenever you need us to give you support on the way.  It hurts right now and there are conflicting feelings, however it does get easier and you will see this as you read others posts. 

I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Love and light x 

[Pegasis722]

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses.

I have a therapist (two, actually) and my kids speak with a school guidance counselor and are in a group at school for kids going through divorce.

My ex is undiagnosed, and whether it's bipolar, or "Quiet" BPD, or Covert Narcissism, the end result is the same: we are through. I think what I struggle with--and what many here feel as well--is the disconnect between the person they hold themselves out to be and the dark reality underneath. My ex blames me for the relationship. I think it's because I'm like a mirror that reflects all of her negative attributes back onto her. For all of my flaws (prone to anger, recovering alcoholic, codependent) I am a hard-working, loyal, compassionate, caring individual who does the right thing. When she got pregnant, I didn't run for the hills, I promised to take care of the baby and her, if she wanted. I worked tirelessly and sacrificed my time with the kids to give the three of them a good life. She didn't have to work. I bought her a nice car, gave her money every paycheck. I gave her a nice life. An honest life. And when your partner is a liar, a thief, a cheat, and a miserable person, all of your goodness is something they just can't stand. Rather than try to rise up, they try to pull you down into the muck and mire with them. In this regard she was successful. I gained 100lbs while we were together. I spent too much money on lunches with work friends because I craved meaningful human interaction and became a workaholic because it was the one area of my life she couldn't erode. I accomplished a lot in this area, and am excited to see what I can do with an entire life that doesn't involve her. I feel handsome and alive and excited about me and the possibilities for my life.

[Mutt]

I think what I struggle with--and what many here feel as well--is the disconnect between the person they hold themselves out to be and the dark reality underneath

Do you struggle with who she is? Is she Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde? She is both stable and unstable. You can probably relate to this, when my ex acts nice she wants something. I’m the past I thought that maybe she was trying to repair the r/s. BPD is unstable interpersonal r/s’s. We’re through too but difference is now that I set the boundary in myself to not fix or repair things for her. I’m not responsible for her anymore. The only subject that I will discuss is the kids, not what’s going in my personal or anything that had to do with the past between us. I just want to know what time do I pick up the kids or drop them off.

Everyone’s situation is unique to them with different levels of complexity and we’re all in different stages of healing.

I’m like a mirror that reflects all of her negative attributes back onto her.

At the beginning of the r/s a pwBPD see us as all good, the cracks start to appear in that image that they hold of us and eventually we become a trigger for them.

[Pegasis722]

I set the boundary in myself to not fix or repair things for her. I’m not responsible for her anymore. The only subject that I will discuss is the kids, not what’s going in my personal or anything that had to do with the past between us. I just want to know what time do I pick up the kids or drop them off.

This. Before she left I explained that we were only to communicate through email and about the kids. I purchased an ipad she can call to facetime the kids. I won't speak to her again. Just looking to move on with my life while allowing our kids to have as good a relationship as the distance (1300 miles) and her illness will allow.