New here so an intro, with a question?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everybody, I hope all is well and that everybody has a happy thanksgiving!
So I'm new here, and I don't really know what to put here so here we go.  I'm a 25 year old living in Wisconsin, I work full time as an engineer and have a diverse set of hobbies during my free time.  Approximately a year ago though I ended a relationship with a young woman who has diagnosed BPD and bipolar disorder.  I'll be honest it has been tough now and then especially with all the fall out from it, and somehow it's still ongoing. 

A little background I have known her since kindergarten, and we where close friends since then up until we became a couple back in late 2015.  It was great at first, then it started descending into a FOG from there.  For the previous 2 months prior to breaking up I had a continuous stress headache, and was walking on eggshells for months.  One night she decided to go off on me for no reason, she threw things, screamed at me, tried hitting me, etc.  From there is was all down hill until the flame just died 2 weeks later.  Immediately one of her friends began harassing me, and she set out to try hurting me multiple times.

About 4 months later she moved into my apartment building, and we started talking here an there.  Truth be told I was relatively broken for the 3-4 months following it, but I've grown a lot since that time.  I've picked up photography, I've started going to church and refound my religion, started pursuing a graduate degree, and began learning a foreign language, while pursuing new job opportunities, managing my life, volunteering in the community, and living an active social life, etc.  During this time I have tried to be kind, caring, and respectful.  The thing though is I have had it thrown back in my face time and time again.  It finally culminated with an event this last week.  I took her out to a local event, I figured I would be nice and if I'm being honest I could kick the can down the road another few weeks.  While we where there it was relatively fun, I wound up paying for everything which wasnt great but oh well I'm not going to miss 20 bucks.  Then I get home, and I can tell somethings up, she leaves and I receive the following(some things changed to try keeping anonymous but the message is still the same) "It's not fair.  Life's great for you, you have opportunities and motivation, you get to do things and I'm stuck working the years away.  You get to travel, volunteer, and are finding God.  Meanwhile I'm struggling to even hear a whisper and losing faith each day.  I'm stuck in a relationship I don't think I want because I can't get over how you hurt me.  And you can say I broke your heart until you're blue in the face but the truth is you chose to break my heart.  Tell me how is that fair?  Yet it's you who gets to moveon.  How is any of that f$(#*$& fair?"
This is after I tried to show her kindness, and is just the latest in a long line of situations like this.  She apologized the next day and I said I forgive her, but the truth is I don't think I can at this point.  She is essentially saying "How dare you be happy" and "Your emotions don't matter".  That's what has me pissed off, she's invalidating me and upset because I am truly happy where I am at.

What do I do here?  I do care about people, and am extremely empathetic but this has gotten to a point where I can no longer take it.  There are 2 things in my life that are negative currently the first is her, and the second is that I may have cancer(I have a second test soon to validate the previous results, if it is the c word I'm confident I will beat it, and I believe it is part of my God's plan for me).  This isn't healthy, and I no longer believe it is viable.  What do I do hear?  Is it possible to stay friends?  I believe it is best to disconnect and not look back to be honest, how do I do this respectfully?  I honestly don't know.  My apologies for the long post, and not introducing myself more.

Thank you for reading and or responding,

Nitro

[Nitro3317]

Hello everybody, I hope all is well and that everybody has a happy thanksgiving!
So I'm new here, and I don't really know what to put here so here we go.  I'm a 25 year old living in Wisconsin, I work full time as an engineer and have a diverse set of hobbies during my free time.  Approximately a year ago though I ended a relationship with a young woman who has diagnosed BPD and bipolar disorder.  I'll be honest it has been tough now and then especially with all the fall out from it, and somehow it's still ongoing. 

A little background I have known her since kindergarten, and we where close friends since then up until we became a couple back in late 2015.  It was great at first, then it started descending into a FOG from there.  For the previous 2 months prior to breaking up I had a continuous stress headache, and was walking on eggshells for months.  One night she decided to go off on me for no reason, she threw things, screamed at me, tried hitting me, etc.  From there is was all down hill until the flame just died 2 weeks later.  Immediately one of her friends began harassing me, and she set out to try hurting me multiple times.

About 4 months later she moved into my apartment building, and we started talking here an there.  Truth be told I was relatively broken for the 3-4 months following it, but I've grown a lot since that time.  I've picked up photography, I've started going to church and refound my religion, started pursuing a graduate degree, and began learning a foreign language, while pursuing new job opportunities, managing my life, volunteering in the community, and living an active social life, etc.  During this time I have tried to be kind, caring, and respectful.  The thing though is I have had it thrown back in my face time and time again.  It finally culminated with an event this last week.  I took her out to a local event, I figured I would be nice and if I'm being honest I could kick the can down the road another few weeks.  While we where there it was relatively fun, I wound up paying for everything which wasnt great but oh well I'm not going to miss 20 bucks.  Then I get home, and I can tell somethings up, she leaves and I receive the following(some things changed to try keeping anonymous but the message is still the same) "It's not fair.  Life's great for you, you have opportunities and motivation, you get to do things and I'm stuck working the years away.  You get to travel, volunteer, and are finding God.  Meanwhile I'm struggling to even hear a whisper and losing faith each day.  I'm stuck in a relationship I don't think I want because I can't get over how you hurt me.  And you can say I broke your heart until you're blue in the face but the truth is you chose to break my heart.  Tell me how is that fair?  Yet it's you who gets to moveon.  How is any of that f$(#*$& fair?"
This is after I tried to show her kindness, and is just the latest in a long line of situations like this.  She apologized the next day and I said I forgive her, but the truth is I don't think I can at this point.  She is essentially saying "How dare you be happy" and "Your emotions don't matter".  That's what has me pissed off, she's invalidating me and upset because I am truly happy where I am at.

What do I do here?  I do care about people, and am extremely empathetic but this has gotten to a point where I can no longer take it.  There are 2 things in my life that are negative currently the first is her, and the second is that I may have cancer(I have a second test soon to validate the previous results, if it is the c word I'm confident I will beat it, and I believe it is part of my God's plan for me).  This isn't healthy, and I no longer believe it is viable.  What do I do hear?  Is it possible to stay friends?  I believe it is best to disconnect and not look back to be honest, how do I do this respectfully?  I honestly don't know.  My apologies for the long post, and not introducing myself more.

Thank you for reading and or responding,

Nitro

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Nitro3317,

I am very impressed with all you are doing to embrace life... .I hope you are not diagnosed with cancer, but if things go that direction it sounds as if you are doing all you can to be strong and face what may come your way. Again, hope you do not have cancer, but I can imagine it is worrying and stressful as you face this uncertainty.  

With your interest in being active and learning new things I would highly recommend taking the time to read the many resources on this site - and follow the leads to books, etc. that you see recommended here.

Only you can decide whether a friendship is possible or not, but if you read up on:
validation https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating and
boundaries https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0  it may be easier to sort this out.

Also learning about JADE-ing (and how not to do it) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0 can help you to avoid arguments.  There are also resources on this board to help with moving on from a relationship. (See this board on the right hand side: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0) Read in a range of areas and see what speaks to your heart and mind and trust your instincts.

All these tools are great for any relationship!

warm wishes to you!