Dealing with Bitterness

[chillamom]

Sending wishes for a peaceful and pleasant Thanksgiving to all…... I would imagine that there a number of us who are quite triggered by the day and by the entire upcoming Holiday season.  For my diagnosed exBPD/NPD and I, the Holidays were often the proverbial best of times and worst of times, and I guess that's not uncommon.  I'm doing a bit of wallowing today, unfortunately.  I'm alone for the day, as my adult kids spend the day with their day (it's his favorite Holiday and I certainly don't begrudge him!), so theres plenty of time to think. 

I seem to be hung up on so much bitterness, and I HATE that in myself.  I have much to be grateful for, but I find myself thinking about Holidays past when my house was full of people and happy chaos, and I find myself particularly hating MYSELF for choosing to pursue what I thought was "love" with the BPD/NPDex, leaving an admittedly failing marriage in the process.  Nearly 9 years spent with the BPD/NPD…and I'm empty handed.  I imploded my entire life for what I naively thought was the love I had been waiting my entire life for, and it (of course) turned into a nightmare of verbal and emotional abuse that absolutely took me apart in every way.  I can't forgive myself for this, I can't forgive myself for what it did to my kids, and I can't forgive myself for going back to him after leaving time and time again.

We've been broken up since LAST December, save for a 7 week recycle this past summer that landed me in the hospital from the stress.  He has been in constant contact with me up until this past Saturday, by text and by phone and a few times in person, begging me to come back and "help him"; begging me to "care again", begging me to "give him another chance if I ever loved him".  I have been resolute and consistent, and I THINK he may have FINALLY heard me.  I haven't received any contact in 5 days at this point.

Why the hell do I miss him then?  Why after begging him for months to leave me alone do I feel sad when he finally does?  I've never had the guts to go NC before, and I think that in some ways, despite the fact that we haven't been together for a long time, these last five days represent the first true "No Contact" I've had with him EVER.  I'm dismayed at the anger and bitterness that seems to be a constant undercurrent for me, and an actually fighting reaching out to him just to wish him a Happy Holiday.  I won't, but I don't understand the need to do so.

Has anyone ever experienced this bitterness?  This feeling that they wish they could erase the entire period with their ex and just be where they were?  I feel awful engaging in this pity party, because I do have such good in my life, but it seems that the time with the ex BPD/NPD STILL eclipses so much.  I'm really struggling with this….why does it take so long and why am I still so angry?  I'm seeing a T for depression (pretty useless), going out with friends, busy with work and school…... yet I can't help but feel my life is just ruined, and I have no one to blame but myself.

How have you dealt with residual bitterness and anger as you worked toward finding the "lesson" in your experience?

[MeandThee29]

Just a brief reply for now to let you know that someone cares. 

Be gentle on yourself. This is something that was a long time coming, and you're not going to be able to rebuild yourself quickly.

I woke up missing him, laying in what was our bedroom in our house. Today I don't know where he is. I hope he is with family, but he may choose to be alone.

I did email him a brief greeting because we're still emailing here-and-there.

My counsellor says in some ways it will always hurt, but I need to focus on this chapter of life amid that hurt. It's a constant battle to let go of that hurt because sometimes it takes root and make me miserable. I can't erase the past, but I can face each day and make a new future.

If you don't think the therapist is helping, you may need to see someone else. I saw a clinical psychologist off-and-on for years, and she helped, but I switched to a counsellor through a local church with a different focus. She's addressing areas that the clinical psychologist didn't address, and I'm finding it productive.

[chillamom]

Hi, MeandThee29,

Thank you, and you're right that for both of use these situations were a long time in the making; patience is definitely not one of my virtues.  Many on here have talked about "sitting with the feelings" and just waiting for them to pass, I think that's something many of us need to do but find very difficult.  I know that I do better on days when I'm distracted, but like you, I often have a feeling that this is somewhat "unreal" at a level.  I think your advice about maybe seeking a new T is good; the person I'm seeing at this point has after many years become like an understanding friend, but I think I need to work with someone more directive who can kick me in the pants a bit!  I do agree with your counselor that in some way the ache will always be there; I need to find ways to switch my focus from it.  You sound as if you are working on that direction as well, that's good to know.

[MeandThee29]

Hi, MeandThee29,

Thank you, and you're right that for both of use these situations were a long time in the making; patience is definitely not one of my virtues.  Many on here have talked about "sitting with the feelings" and just waiting for them to pass, I think that's something many of us need to do but find very difficult.  I know that I do better on days when I'm distracted, but like you, I often have a feeling that this is somewhat "unreal" at a level.  I think your advice about maybe seeking a new T is good; the person I'm seeing at this point has after many years become like an understanding friend, but I think I need to work with someone more directive who can kick me in the pants a bit!  I do agree with your counselor that in some way the ache will always be there; I need to find ways to switch my focus from it.  You sound as if you are working on that direction as well, that's good to know.

Glad to help.

Wouldn't you know it, I found a kindred soul today at Thanksgiving dinner. We were invited by friends in September, so we joined their extended family today. The husband's middle sister was there. Her husband committed suicide a year ago after years of going on-and-off bipolar treatment for years. Different presentation, but very similar issues. And we had a long, wonderful talk centered on hope. She retired from being a social worker in the penal system to focus on her husband and continues to see a therapist she knew from work. We're going to get together at least monthly for coffee. I really enjoyed talking to her. It was so nice to talk to someone familiar with the impact of mental illness on a spouse.

I see my counsellor tomorrow. She's been speaking at conferences, and it's been a few weeks. I have a lot to tell her.

[Turkish]

I imploded my entire life for what I naively thought was the love I had been waiting my entire life for

This is an honest,  deep realization.  I might be with you in a way.  Previously a nomad,  I'm stuck in a home I bought for the perfect little nuclear family I always wanted (being the only child of a single mother,  and never had a father that I remember).

Find a mate,  have kids,  go forward in life as a team.  Seems easy on the front end until we learn otherwise. 

9 years (and kids!) Is a significant chunk of life.  Detaching and learning to move forward isn't going to happen over night,  but will be a work in progress. 

I can't forgive myself for this, I can't forgive myself for what it did to my kids, and I can't forgive myself for going back to him after leaving time and time again.

The arrow of time only moves forward.  What keeps you from granting yourself a little grace?

FWIW, I'm 4 years out and still a little bitter.  I think one of the struggles I've seen over the years here is us forgiving ourselves for whatever we own (no judgement about leavers or those left here).

[chillamom]

MeandThee29,
What a lovely serendipity that you met this kindred spirit at dinner!  It sounds like the beginning of a very supportive and hopeful friendship for both of you.  Having someone to talk with you who can really understand your feelings from an "insider's perspective" goes a long way; that kind of empathy is invaluable.  It sounds like a great beginning, and I hope you find your meeting with your counselor to be helpful today as well.  One step further along the road….

[chillamom]

Hi, Turkish,
Thanks for your response, and having been on the boards a while I can see what you mean about the fact that many of us have trouble with forgiving ourselves.  I can forgive many of the things that my ex did, because I can use the hook of mental illness to hang them upon, but it's harder with myself because I don't have that "label", although depression can certainly cause a person to make less than intelligent choices as well.  I guess like a lot of people (maybe you as well) life had been going pretty much accordingly to plan for quite a while with my first (nearly 30 year long) marriage, and I didn't fully realize how unhappy and lonely I was until this seemingly "magical" person appeared before me that I hoped at some level would be the one to "save" me.  I suppose that one thing I have finally learned, at age 60, is nobody is going to save me but myself.  Better late than never!  I was tremendously naive in matters of the heart, apparently, probably because I had settled down with my first husband at the age of 19, which I do NOT recommend! 

  Your question about what is preventing me from giving MYSELF some grace is a profound one; I honestly don't know.  Perhaps I am waiting for the "lessons" that everyone tells me are inherent in the aftermath of a difficult relationship to appear, perhaps I am just being stubborn.  It's something for reflection for sure, and I definitely need to turn some compassion toward myself as I do towards my ex (most of the time anyway).

And just for clarifications sake, not that it matters - my 3 daughters are from my first marriage.  I was too old to have kids with the ex BPD/NPD person, and am grateful for that fact at the very least!  Thanks again for posing this question to me and giving me more to reflect upon.

[morningagain]

chillamom,
it took me several years to forgive myself.
my situation is similar to yours.  i hurt my children from my first marriage.  my career and finances and reputation were demolished.  and i went through recycle attempts that i participated in.
ultimately, i discovered that my moral compass was me, was at my very core, and it was wounded - including by my own actions, but is good and deserving of forgiveness and healing.  including my own forgiveness.
take good care,
morningagain

[Turkish]

ultimately, i discovered that my moral compass was me, was at my very core, and it was wounded - including by my own actions, but is good and deserving of forgiveness and healing.  including my own forgiveness.

That's is interesting way of thinking about it.  How do you think it was a moral failing?

[morningagain]

That's is interesting way of thinking about it.  How do you think it was a moral failing?

i injured my own morality, my own moral compass, by my own actions and inactions.
what remains in me is still that which is good and worthy of forgiveness and healing, which was the point i was trying to make.
i did post a litany of hurts i caused over years of my relationship with my BPD wife - i posted this a week or two ago - don't really want to repost them all, but i certainly will if you might find it helpful.
take care
morningagain

[Turkish]

I read through some of your posts.  In order not to hijack chillamom's thread,  I'll just observe that you are very tough on yourself.  I'm not saying that's right or wrong.

I think most of us struggle here  (on all of the r/s boards) in owning what belongs in whose court.  Like,  "it's those evil vampires!" Or, "it's my codependent self, and if only I'd loved them right."

At the end,  we can either own our choices,  or blame. In a relationship with two independent entities,  free to make their own choices,  it can be hard to realize this on an emotional level. 

Guilt’s a funny thing. We keep taking it on as if it’s ours even when it’s not.

[chillamom]

morningagain I think I can relate to the feeling of injuring one's own moral compass.  My primary value in my adult life has involved a focus on being the best parent to my children that I could possibly be, and when I was with my ex I decidedly did not live up to my own standards.  Yes, I was absolutely physically present for all of the important and often the mostly mundane events, but my relationship with the ex tore apart their idealized nuclear family and ultimately forever left them as children of a broken home.  I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that, even though I tell myself that the relationship between my then-husband and I was nothing to emulate either ( we were essentially roommates rather than husband and wife).  Nonetheless, if the perfect fantasy of "real love" embodied by my ex hadn't come along, I probably would have staggered along in my marriage, loveless as it was, because I least then I HAD a marriage, I HAD an intact family, I HAD that respectability. 

And Turkish you are more than welcome to hijack the thread, I think moral struggles are very real here for many of us.  I seem to be in a fight within myself to cultivate once again a sense of hope and self-respect, a sense of deserving to even take up space in this world, and it appears to be a losing battle for the most part.  I essentially spat on my most cherish values; I allowed myself to be systematically disassembled in my relationship with my ex, and I have no idea how the hell to start putting myself back together.