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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: BPD/NPD ex gf contacted  (Read 436 times)
Rickybee
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« on: November 23, 2017, 12:00:09 PM »

Its been 2.5 years since she ghosted me, she contacted a couple times over that period to rub in her new relationship and hurt me more but ive been strict NC for 1 year now and not heard a thing til this morning,
she emailed me simply two words...

"karma happened"

I think this means one of a few things...

1. my replacement has cheated on her or he has left her

2. she has the cheek to send me those two words as if to say karma happened meaning my life is ___ and im unhappy? but then how would she know whats going on in my life after all this time... unless she is spying somehow.

what you reckon guys?

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En1gma

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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2017, 01:09:29 PM »

Its been 2.5 years since she ghosted me, she contacted a couple times over that period to rub in her new relationship and hurt me more but ive been strict NC for 1 year now and not heard a thing til this morning,
she emailed me simply two words...

"karma happened"

I think this means one of a few things...

1. my replacement has cheated on her or he has left her

2. she has the cheek to send me those two words as if to say karma happened meaning my life is ___ and im unhappy? but then how would she know whats going on in my life after all this time... unless she is spying somehow.

what you reckon guys?



Because it’s vague, I’m thinking she is baiting a response from you. I’d ignor her and press on with more important things in life.
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Rickybee
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« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2017, 01:42:28 PM »

I replied with simply "sorry to hear that"


Now back to NC I don't care anymore
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2017, 05:44:02 PM »

I think it is her letting you know she recognises what she did and is saying that the same has happened to her now.  It may be that she hopes this self awareness and humility will pique your interest and your reply sounds perfect in that it's short and sweet.  By not questioning her meaning you've shown that you are not interested in discussing it further.  Don't be surprised if you hear from her again in the future.  How did you feel when you received this?

Love and light x
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Rickybee
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« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2017, 07:10:30 PM »

Thank you for your reply Harley, good insight and yes a possibility, when i recieved the email my heart started racing
but now ive settled im ok... its got me thinking about things a little bit... .can't help but feel she could be having a dig at me as if to say she won and i lost and karma got me... I prefer your idea of hat she me be doing... hard to decypher... but I suppose really all it can mean is she got her karma and was baiting me to ask what has happened etc... i kept it short as you say and didn't leave it open for further dialogue, she may well contact again... .or she may well go silent for another year, who knows... in the past as soon as ive responded and aknowledged she exists she ghosts again
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Lostinanother
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« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2017, 09:24:42 PM »

Ricky,
I think she is acknowledging that she hurt you and what she done to you has come back on her... .
I think it’s a positive statement on her behalf.
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Rickybee
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« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2017, 07:40:39 AM »

she hasn't replied further... .and ive not replied further... maybe they worked it out... she did a good job of getting in my head... maybe she just hates it that ive ignored her and been NC... and as far as she is concerned she knows i want nothing to do with her and im happy... .seems odd she emailed me saying karma happened out of the blue after 2.5 years, the sudden discard was brutal and at the worst possible time... it nearly killed me, true what they say about time... it doesnt hurt anymore, if anything i feel sorry for her but even those feelings of compassion or fear of her killing herself are still embedded in me even after all this time fro her abuse, i could do without being an empath sometimes
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EdR
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« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2017, 10:04:10 AM »

I think you did great! You replied and confirmed her existence, but you did not take the bait by asking what she meant.

I agree with Harley Quinn btw. She is/was in a phase in which she acknowledges that she has done something hurtful, because she is/was in a bad place herself.

She will probably not contact you in a while though (my guess), because you didn't take the bait. But your reply does not really help her devaluate you either.
So I guess she's caught off guard for the time being.
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zeus123
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« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2017, 03:04:47 PM »

I wonder if BPD knows what KARMA is?. Rickybee just remember that for a BPDex you are nothing but an indentured servant, so don't think that your former BPD lover can't decimate ya if you're not sleeping with her anymore. You cannot be "friends" with a borderline ex or have any sort of news from her. Always DELETE DELETE DELETE any message or emails or phone calls, because Receiving any news from her only prolongs your pain...
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Rickybee
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« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2017, 07:18:30 PM »

@EDR... thanks for the insight I agree she is off guard,@ZUES thanks for reminding me, after this long out it can be easy to forget how dangerous they are for our health. i literally feel like I'm dealing with a powerful demon who didn't quite destroy my soul and wants to finish the job, but then part of me feels sorry for her... conflicted feelings i guess even after all that time... regardless im NC
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Rickybee
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« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2017, 07:37:10 PM »

why do you guys think she may be baiting me? regret? wants me back... i know its hard for anybody to say
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2017, 05:17:19 PM »

Try to imagine how you would feel if you constantly thought that you were going to have no money and be cut adrift, unable to survive.  You think that all the banks are going to close and your money will be lost, and someone is going to come and take away all your cash supply.  What if you lose it all and have nothing left to survive with?  This makes you feel desperate and afraid.  You might decide to start gathering up an emergency supply to safeguard yourself with.  Putting it in safe places.  A little here, a little there, just in case... .From time to time you may decide to go and check on those places, just to see if it is still there, and appease yourself.  One supply of cash may be running low so you start to think about where your other emergency supplies were... .

Fear of abandonment is something that a pwBPD struggles a lot with and can unknowingly drive certain behaviours.  This is only one explanation for her contacting you and in no way alters the fact that she may genuinely feel sad and miss you.  However, the 'why' is the bigger picture.  How would you feel if she contacted you again and said that she wanted you back after all this time?

Love and light x
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Rickybee
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« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2017, 08:36:17 PM »

That is a great explanation of fear of abandonment an supply, if she said she wanted me back it wouldn't matter... .even if I wanted to I couldn't... what she did to me was just too evil
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2017, 07:40:01 PM »

Hi Rickybee,

I'm glad that was helpful.  I find understanding the drivers of the behaviours allows us to de personalise it somewhat and see that it is not about us.  How are you doing in your own healing?  If you take a look at the Lessons, where would you say you sit right now?

Love and light x
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Rickybee
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« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2017, 03:38:12 AM »

thank you, in my healing? still hurts I guess deep down... .i'm much better but still single and damaged... .she still hasn't said anything since saying karma happened... its left me guessing and tempted to ask what she means or what happened but trying to stop myself today, curiosity getting the better of me... as far as I can see she is still with my replacement... .its like she is just  trying to hurt me more and see if she can still mess with my head and my heart after a this time... perhaps its pissing her off because ive comepletly ignored her and been NC trying to get on with my life... who knows this is a mentally ill person were talking about... a malignant one at that
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Rickybee
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« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2017, 06:34:25 AM »

Just typed this out but stopped myself from sending... .

(So I assume by Karma happened you mean you was manipulated and lied to? cheated on multiple times and suddenly discarded and replaced like you never existed with no closure or a sorry?
if that is the case I'm very sorry to hear, being betrayed by somebody you love and care about a lot hurts bad... you don't need closure or sorry tho, make peace with it,
heal and let go and move on with life and try to be happy that's all you can do and it always works out for the best. I'm very much enjoying life and feel nothing but indifference
toward what happened between us now, it was a long time ago and I've grown so much as a person since then. there is something I would like to say to you and that is I'm sorry for the vulgar way I acted
and things I said when in shock when all that stuff happened, i lost my ___ completely and had a break down... the lowest point of my life. I forgive you a while ago and understand a lot about mental health now,
I've studied mental health for 2.5 years it helped me a lot and answered a lot of my questions, all the best estranged old friend... .)


I stopped there because I realised I was making an idiot of myself and giving her too much... I'm scared of giving her power after all this time, I remember how rotton she is... its still a bit crazy to me that we never even really spoke about what went down I was ghosted after 4 years... I was being patronising in what I typed above because I wanted to point out what she did to me and make out life is great for me, which it isnt but I'm certainly stronger and wiser... i'd say i'm 95% over it... but that 5% is that ill never forget what happened to me, it just doesnt really hurt as much... but anyways I've not sent anything... she is still with him I think so she must just be trying to get reaction from me to hurt me and maybe her and my replacement will be laughing at me... .god knows I think I need to forget she messaged me with this karma happened bait... yes I want to know what happened but ill never know... do they keep throwing you hurdles like this forever?
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Subaru02
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« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2017, 09:24:49 AM »

When I was young I left a girl for another one and probably at 18-19 I thought I was finding "a new love of my life", in hindsight I didn't love the former one anymore but it was still very hurtful for her to be replaced that way.

When my relationship ended with the "replacement" because she had replaced "me" I chatted her up and told her how sorry I was for the pain she had been through when I left his way. That I now I experienced it full on, and that this experience has shown me how painful it can be.

So in my situation I was still a non-BPD but I felt I wanted her to know I still thought of her and that going through something similar made me realize how strong she had been to get through all that without cursing me or going crazy about it.

Just a thought.
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Reforming
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« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2017, 03:20:50 PM »

Hi Rickybee,

I realise that you still feel very hurt by the way you were treated and I think it's perfectly understandable.

I can totally understand why her message effected you but it's worth considering that it very possibly meant a lot less to her. She may have felt sad, unhappy etc and idea of you being still emotionally involved was soothing. But it's quite possible she already forgotten her message or at least put it out of her mind.

I think you were wise not to send the long message. For what's its worth if I read it I would assume that you were still emotionally involved (hurt, angry) and either wanted to her to acknowledge her poor behaviour towards you or wanted her re-engage... .

You don't need to persuade her that you've moved on - the best way to communicate your detachment and indifference was to keep your reply very brief and polite. You have already done this so well done

It's not your responsibility to give her closure - she has to find that for herself - and she's can't give it to you either.

You do have a responsibility  to look after yourself. And you deserve love, kindness and respect.

Well done again for handling it so well

Reforming
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Bo123
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« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2017, 07:35:33 PM »

I don't see how anyone here can even guess what she meant, only she knows.  It might make for some interesting posts but even you who knows her best doesn't know.  It was a simple contact.  All it proves is that she can get a response out of you and now you're going back to NC?  Point goes to her.  If you asked for details, then you would know if it was a bait or she would communicate.  I would support you either not responding or asking for details but all she did was a mind poke at you, but if it doesn't bother you I guess you're happy with your response.  Just would hate to see her start causing you trouble over a obvious cryptic message in which she didn't want to tell you what she really meant.  Good luck.
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Rickybee
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« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2017, 08:01:41 PM »

I really am torn... I want to know what happened but I also can't ask for details because in her sick little head she will think she has beat me, or will get pleasure out of silent treatment again... its all so pathetic... im a very honest person who likes to talk as an adult in an honest mature way but she is playing some silly little game
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itgetsbetter94
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« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2017, 07:22:19 AM »

You're giving this way too much thought. Definitely way more than she did when she wrote and sent that msg. What did she mean by "karma happened"? The correct answer is - who cares?
She's got into your mind once again.

My ex also got in my head very deep and strong and is still there. I sometimes feel like an miserable addict.  But as the ad said "just say no"!
Those pwBPD are like heroin, I swear.  Highly addictive and highly deadly.
Keep saying no, no, NO!

I don't want to sound patronizing, but you shouldn't even sent her "sorry to hear that". That gave her an opportunity not to respond and go silent once again. No contact should be no contact for the rest of our days.

If she wishes you merry Christmas- no contact.
If she has some sort of an emergency, ends up in hospital and msgs you- no contact.
If she threatens suicide- no contact (and call 911).

I really hate what they did to us. Sorry if my post sounds like me being a smartass, I'm not. I'm in an exact same place as you and I'm having an expecially bad day today. Also been struggling with NC myself and been fighting the urge to reach him, so I had to write this down, more for myself actually.
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« Reply #21 on: December 12, 2017, 08:16:53 AM »

@itsgettingbetter

wow thanks for that! I needed to hear that... you sound like you understand and i completely agree with you... I am giving this too much thought... sorry to hear you are having a bad day too, NC! like you say now she has gone all quiet again like she got the last laugh or something... amazing... its like part of me wants to believe she is sorry... I never got a sorry... .its when I have virtually forgotten about her she finds a way back in my head... don't beat yourself up for having a bad day, I still get them 2.5 years after the discard... but this recent contact from her has obviously stirred things up again... my mum says I should tell her where to get off but I can't even give her that as its a reaction... imgoing round in circles here over thinking it so I guess ultimately she does still have power over, hopefully my reply showed otherwise tho as stated earlier...

how far out are you since your break up? you sound like you went thru the typical stuff that i did... gaslighting... manipulation... push/pull... lying... cheating... replaced... discarded... emotionally abused through out? i'm just touching the surface there too
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Rickybee
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« Reply #22 on: December 12, 2017, 08:25:08 AM »

I almost feel like messaging her and saying "your good... your really good!... but i'm narc proof now and have no time for your silly games... goodbye!"... .but again I can't give her that... oh man the things I would like to say but the main thing I learned from her is that nothing hurts more than being ignored... .NC indeed... your last comment will hopefully keep me going for a while so thanks for that... i was getting stupid and finding it hard to not reply... and thannks everybody else too... this site has been a big help over the last 2.5 years... .got me thru some very tough times
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Subaru02
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« Reply #23 on: December 12, 2017, 12:42:49 PM »

I went through something similar, she disappeared with her replacement, blamed me for her serial dating, and painted me completely black. Its like all the times we laughed, had fun and enjoyed each other's company was now worth nothing. The new guy is her hero, I'm the villain and its the way she operates.

I spent months giving all this too much thought, I went NC for 91 days so far and have not heard a PEEP From her ever since she started dating him. She started seeing him / talking to him probably a week or so before breaking up and the week after they were dating and having sex.

It hurts after 3-4 years of dating to see someone walk off and not look back at all as if you meant nothing to her. Its also painful to watch them believe that relationship overlapping to a person they hardly know and comparing them positively over you is the right thing to do.

Honestly its a bunch of feelings you don't understand at first but things clear up slowly for me.

I wonder how I'd react after a while if she does contact me or reach out like she has in our last break up. Its like these people think they can completely destroy you and blame you for the relationship falling apart while they are the ones ending it for a new flame and once those new flames don't work out they can turn around and say they didn't mean what they said.

It takes a very disordered person to behave this way and claim they are healthier than you. But taking her back after our first breakup was my mistake, I should have known better and should have trusted my instinct that she was only trouble...

And Ricky Honestly, I would love to say so many mean things to her, how disappointing, dishonest, disrespectful and cheap she is to not only project all her self hatred on me but to blame me for our relationship failing twice when she left twice for someone else after love bombing me when things hadn't worked out with the guy she left for the first time. I mean we all make mistakes and I felt I wanted another chance to prove I was a good man, I made changes to the way I behaved but she didn't, infact she was twice as needy and annoying the second time and it drove me far away until she left for someone a second time.

I've been keeping myself no contact from her in all ways, I admit to having stalked her FB profile once in a while and found proof she was still dating the new guy in the past 2-3 months... .I hoped it would fail fast considering her behavior but I guess for now she found someone to put up with her probably still at the idealization phase where both are impressing each other. I remember she was fine the first few months until she started getting comfortable. Its a cycle really.

Anyways I'm a bit off track what i wanted to say is : Yeah I get periods of where I want to message her and try to gain back a portion of my power but the truth is I think ignoring is the most powerful message to send. Silence is deafening.

Good luck on your progress. These people are addictive by nature, and my rational never understood what it was really that I was hung up on, its the mind games and the projection of negativity to the other that make it so hard.
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