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Author Topic: I need some tips on how to deal with a parent with BPD  (Read 420 times)
Carync

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5


« on: November 24, 2017, 12:42:00 AM »

I've recently found this board and that vast amount of wealth that can be offered. I'd like some hands on experience that has worked for members on how to deal with a BPD parent. I'd like legal suggestions (I mean by this as opposed to illegal, and or violent ideas) and nothing off the wall. I don't think there's anything that would be viable that wouldn't be off the wall, so I'm going to say not so much off the wall then.

A little about her. She's 64 years old. She completely hides her behavior usually until she's in close quarters. She will lash out at people at a distance and this includes online, and on a phone. She will turn on you at the drop of a dime, and throw you to the wolves or with the aid of a complete stranger. I mean by this she will literally pull someone out of the blue and try to convince them that we're bad people or it's even better if she can convince them to try and abuse one of us. (Yeah, that's real. It happened.). She has another personality when she does turn, and her voice changes. She becomes nice to everyone else, but incredibly abusive to the person she's turned on. She will rage and anger incredibly easily in that state. She becomes increasingly paranoid. She goes on a power trip in this state literally lifting objects you'd never expect and older or elderly person to lift, and she sometimes flings them. IE. She once picked up a 70lb bag of bread from the bakery and threw it out of the car at the house in a fit one time. I don't know where she gets the power to do this. It literally blows me away.

I'd just like some hearty advice that's a little chunky as well, like campbells chunky soup.

I'm also curious if anyone else has experience where the affected have tried get friends and or strangers to try to guilt trip you as well in a punishing manner?
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2017, 06:29:56 AM »

Yes, involving a third person is a part of triangulation. Also read about the Karpman triangle. My BPD mother tends to see things from victim perspective and rallies people to her side to "rescue" her "against" who she places in persecutor position.

When triggered, I can also see my mother change expression and get a different look in her eyes. I think the strong emotions go along with physical changes. She doesn't have the strength your mother demonstrates, but she will say and do things she doesn't do when she isn't triggered.

The tools to the right of this page can help you with your situation. Also there is information on the Karpman triangle on this site and others.

For me - the goal was to not participate in this drama. It's hard because what my mother does is due to her disorder. She is not going to change. The changes for me involved boundaries  and not being reactive to her. Sadly, I am alienated from some of her friends and family members from all the times she has painted me black to them. I had to accept that they made a choice to align with her too. It is better if we have different social worlds- she has her friends and family, I have mine. I know this is difficult when we share family members. I just don't want to get into the her word vs my word thing with hers. Most of the family I am close to is on my father's side.
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worn_out
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 105


« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2017, 02:48:08 PM »

The best way to deal with a BPD parent is to move away. Preferably to a different part of the country. Quietly block her emails and social media. Your mother will not change and her paranoid behavior will only escalate as she gets older. Get out if you can. Your mother will feel abandoned and get even crazier, but once you're over the hump, she'll look elsewhere for someone to torment. Maybe another family member can try to get her to see a doctor, just to make sure she's not suffering from early-onset dementia.
 
I had a BPD mother who turned my siblings against me and enlisted well-meaning, but completely clueless people to make me see the errors of my ways (i.e., that I had a life outside of hers). Luckily, I lived 500 miles away, so eventually she gave up and just harassed  the children of hers who were unlucky enough to live close by.
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Carync

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5


« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2017, 03:26:22 AM »

Yes, involving a third person is a part of triangulation. Also read about the Karpman triangle. My BPD mother tends to see things from victim perspective and rallies people to her side to "rescue" her "against" who she places in persecutor position.

When triggered, I can also see my mother change expression and get a different look in her eyes. I think the strong emotions go along with physical changes. She doesn't have the strength your mother demonstrates, but she will say and do things she doesn't do when she isn't triggered.

The tools to the right of this page can help you with your situation. Also there is information on the Karpman triangle on this site and others.

For me - the goal was to not participate in this drama. It's hard because what my mother does is due to her disorder. She is not going to change. The changes for me involved boundaries  and not being reactive to her. Sadly, I am alienated from some of her friends and family members from all the times she has painted me black to them. I had to accept that they made a choice to align with her too. It is better if we have different social worlds- she has her friends and family, I have mine. I know this is difficult when we share family members. I just don't want to get into the her word vs my word thing with hers. Most of the family I am close to is on my father's side.

I've never heard of the Karpman triangle before this. I've never heard of any of this. I've just realized what the hell was going on about 14 days ago for the first time in like 30 years! (I'm more angry at myself for realizing this so late, and trying to fix it for so long in a really unproductive manner)

Man, how do you deal with any of this? How do you handle the stress? How do you handle the other personality? I read when you said your mom changed. It's the scariest thing in the world. It literally gives me ptsd and I'm a grown man when she pulls this ___ off.
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Notwendy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2017, 05:02:12 AM »

Yes, it is scary to see this transformation. I think it helps to understand the source of the fear. As children, we were little and helpless and this "change" was terrifying and threatening to us. So we learned to fear it. As adults, I think we can think more rationally about this- our parent with BPD can hurt our feelings, but they are not a serious physical danger to us. Yet we still experience this fear as we did when we were children.

I don't know if we can actually stop this feelings, but it helps me to be aware of it and then think about it. Yes, this is scary. Can my mother actually harm me? No. Can she say and do mean things - yes- and I have to deal with my feelings about it.

The thing about these feelings is that they don't last long. I think as children growing up in dysfunction, we tend to not want to feel these feelings- they are scary. But if you actually let yourself feel the fear you experience when your mother "changes"- you will see that it passes. Yes, she was scary when you were little, but I bet you are larger than she is now. It feels like she is big and dangerous to you, but she is not.

Counseling can help with this too.

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