Co Parenting with 50/50 Custody/ Could use support.

[Newyoungfather]

Good Morning Everyone,
Just wanted to give everyone an update.  I am currently in the process of obtaining 50/50 custody and my borderline mother is fighting me to the end however my attorney told me that there's a good chance of me getting it.  I filed for custody shortly after my son was born and got 4 hours a week, from that I filed for a custody modification two more times and got up to a 37/63 split.  I have won every court battle so far and I'm feeling that if I get 50/50 my borderline will fly off the handle. Has anyone have any experience with a borderline losing and getting 50/50 custody.  Unfortunately my son is too young to get primary but I'm gaining traction little by little.  I already am focusing on setting up a safe, affirming environment in my house.
I could also use some support again, usually during the court process I get very stressed out.  My borderlines attorney is a typical blamer attorney and my exBPD mom can never do anything wrong.  We have all these text messages but during mediation she will completely lie about everything that has happened and will play the victim which really really sets me off.  Can anyone relate because sometimes its really hard to keep my mouth shut.

[david]

I started with EOW and worked towards 50/50 which is what is current. I started in 2007 and it took three years to get to 50/50. I usually get more time with our two boys since 50/50 happened. Ex no longer wants to fight me since in her mind she lost or I figured out how to make strong boundaries and enforce them. Probably a combination of the two.
The beginning was the toughest because ex was very good at swaying people emotionally. Eventually the facts prevailed. Today, our oldest lives with me (he is 19) and our youngest (he is 14) is still 50/50.
I needed to learn how the rules of the game in court were played.
One time, ex was lying on the stand and I had no proof that she was lying. I picked up  piece of paper and said to my attorney that ex was lying. I handed him the piece of paper at that time. I knew ex was looking at me. Miraculously ex changed her story on the stand. The paper was blank but ex didn't know that.
I had a pile, about 6 to 8 inches tall, of homework the boys did. The top sheet was a paper explaining the specifics of the pile: number of hw, number done at moms, number done at dads, number incomplete or outright incorrect at moms, etc. My attorney introduced it as evidence. The judge looked at the top piece and asked ex if it was correct. If she said no we would have to go through it all. Ex agreed and the top piece was introduced as evidence. Evidence holds more weight than verbal testimony. Judges must make their decisions based on the evidence.
Ex used to "win" in the beginning. Once I got up to speed she started "losing" and she changed her behaviors. We haven't been in court since late 2010. She has sent several emails since 2010 threatening me with going back to court. I have never responded to any of the threats and she has never pursued court. A few of the times I kind of wished she did because she would have looked very bad in court. She is smart enough to know that.

[Newyoungfather]

@David, I remember reading your story about the piece a paper long time ago.  I hope my ex BPD realizes that 50/50 custody is in the best interest of the child.  I'm one of those people who prepares to go "nuclear" in the courtroom with information however we have settled everything right before the trials. 

[david]

When my ex started "losing" in court she stopped going back. I figured she realized I wasn't backing down like I used to when we were married to avoid confrontation.

[Newyoungfather]

I hope this would be the case, the grandmother of my child is a complete narcissist, she pays for all of the mothers legal bills and tells her what to do.  I feel getting 50/50 custody would ease a lot of my pain with trying to be there for my son.

[scraps66]

Not so fast re: the 50/50 solving a lot of issues.  Depending on what type of 50/50 you're going after.  50/50 with you having all of the decision making power would be the lowest level of shared parenting I would shoot for. 

My scenario, I got 50/50 very easily.  In all the time with 50/50, joint legal and physical custody, it has been an absolute struggle to maintain what would be considered "joint" custody.  My ex behaves as if she has full custody of our two sons.  It would be so much easier and better for them if I had all of the decision making power.  The situation is that ex will 100% of the time want to dot he opposite of what I say.

Years down the road we have an S13 who has pretty significant behavioral challenges.  Numerous opportunities to get him help with his mother being the obstructionist have all backfired and have him in a really bad place.  On the precipice of being kicked out of his Middle School, etc.

Out case is riddle with mistakes made at the courthouse fueled by ex's lies.  The biggest mistake was a failed attempt at getting ex psychologically evaluated.  Court wrote a bad order for the evaluation and I couldn't get it fixed with three trips back to court.

So now years later, if I had just bit the bullet and Petitioned for full custody it would be much different right now.  I may have wound up with 50/50, but with much more control.  The court would have had no choice but to put everything out on the table, including ex's psychological state of mind.

So my advice, and my ex's family tree its similar to yours, is go for way more custody than you feel is appropriate.  More so if you're winning court battles.  Take advantage of the momentum and let the hammer swing.         

[ForeverDad]

My court clearly has a unwritten default preference for mothers.  She had a Threat of DV case pending against her and the magistrate's main question was what our work schedules were.  I had a regular weekday work schedule and she claimed she "worked from home".  She left out the part where she was earning about $200 per month and was currently barred from our home due to the DV case.

Otherwise I would be left to think domestic court doesn't care about DV cases impacting parenting.  Anyway, she got temp custody and temp majority time (78%) for more than two years in two temp orders.  That sure didn't dent her entitlement.  We had equal time coming out of the divorce two years later and her entitlement still wasn't dented.  Three years later I sought Charge of Circumstances and became the Legal Guardian.  The schedule didn't change since the GAL (son's lawyer) wanted her to get child support so she would behave better.  Didn't happen, she was just as entitled.  Three years later and two full days in court I got majority time during the school year (75%) and a lot of stern talk to her from the magistrate.  Finally her entitlement balloon deflated a bit, we haven't been back to court since.

So maybe she'll be less uncooperative and sabotaging if you get 50/50, or maybe not.  You know her better than us but time will tell.  Generally it's hard to get full custody, courts seem to avoid that if they can, they don't want a parent to feel shut out.  Is there any hope for you to get Decision Making or Tie Breaker on the major issues, that would probably help you avoid returning to court as often.  It's effectively full custody but not in so many words.  The one going to court to protest would be her, not you.