I need help

[alphabeta]

I need help, because I am concerned that my mother might have BPD.  She occasionally tells me that I am the greatest person she knows -- she tells me that if she could clone me, she would marry me -- and then the next day she'll tell me that she feels so lonely because I don't care about her.  She is prone to bouts of raging alternating with crying; however, she frequently reminds me that she is always in control and aware of her emotions. 

My chief concern is how she treats my seven-year old son.  For the past three years he sometimes acts distant (he ignores her) or teases her.  This causes her to cry a lot, threaten my son that she will disappear from his life, and tell me and my wife that we are terrible parents by allowing him to act this way.  We have tried various degrees of punishment on him and even took him to a child psychologist for six months without much luck.  However, the other day, after one of these incidents occurred, my son told me that he felt confused because he was both scared of my mother and he loved her.  This confusion (guilt)? makes him angry towards her.  What should we do so that he doesn't feel angry and my mother stops threatening to leave him? 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome! 

I am both glad and impressed that your 7 year old son is able to understand and express the anger/fear he feels towards your mother. 

In my opinion, your son is not the problem, though teasing and ignoring someone is not polite, your mother is engaging in emotional blackmail with him.  I would say your son is smart enough to recognize this on some level and is reacting the only way he knows how to ie as a 7 year old.  Punishing him is only going to increase his negative feelings.

What did you say to your son when he told you what was going on?  Did you validate his feelings?

What do you say to your mom when she threatens to leave him?  Do you confront her and tell her no she can not treat/blackmail/manipulate your son like that?

Validate your son.  Let him know his feelings are okay to have but he needs to express them differently.  Explain that g-ma does not always treat people right and that he is not the cause of her behavior.   

My 10 year old nephew was and still is very quiet until he warms up.  He was 6.5 years before he even spoke to his grandfather and it is only now comfortable giving me a brief hug when leaving (after he has had time to warm up).  His parents and I give him space to get comfortable and have never forced him to hug/talk etc (well, please and thank you were required).  I don't know if this applies to your situation, so take it for what it is worth.

Good luck to you and your son.

[Pilpel]

You started off your second sentence saying that you were concerned with how your mom treated your son.  But then you mention that you're concerned about how your son treats her.  So, I just wanted to ask, up until he started to ignore or tease her, how was your mom treating your son?  I know it can be very emotionally confusing dealing with someone who is NPD/BPD, and they can be disrespectful or invalidating toward physical and emotional boundaries.  Are you letting your son know that your mother acts in an emotionally immature and unhealthy way but that you still try to be loving and kind to her?  Are you teaching him that his own physical and emotional boundaries matter?

[alphabeta]

Dear Pilpel,

I appreciate your reply.  To answer your first question, my mom is usually pretty pleasant to my son -- she has changed her attitude regarding physical boundaries.  In the past she always wanted my son to sleep with her and ask that she give her hugs and kisses.  However, the psychologist told her that she should give my son the space that he needs, and she has been good at respecting this.

I have yet to tell him that my mother acts in an emotionally immature way, and this is something I may need help in dealing with.  Until recently, I perceived her behavior as being "normal," and I am beginning to realize that this is not -- and can be quite abusive.

I also tell my son that it is important to tell me if he is not comfortable around my mother, and that it is okay to feel sad, confused, or angry.

[alphabeta]

Dear Harry,

Thanks for your kind reply.  I agree that ignoring and teasing is not polite; however, by telling my son that she doesn't want to see him anymore is emotional blackmail.  This compounded that the next day she will tell him that she has a part of her heart that is reserved for him... .therefore, this can be very confusing for him.

I am becoming more proactive in validating my son's feelings to let him know that my mother sometimes says things that she doesn't mean when she is sad or angry.

When I tell my mother that she doesn't need to place an emotional load on my son, her responses range from, "you and your wife are terrible parents for not raising a polite son, and it's all your fault" to "I really care about your son, I would never do anything to hurt him."  However, it is very difficult to have her acknowledge that she needs to think carefully prior to saying anything that might be hurtful to my son.

Hi and welcome! 

I am both glad and impressed that your 7 year old son is able to understand and express the anger/fear he feels towards your mother. 

In my opinion, your son is not the problem, though teasing and ignoring someone is not polite, your mother is engaging in emotional blackmail with him.  I would say your son is smart enough to recognize this on some level and is reacting the only way he knows how to ie as a 7 year old.  Punishing him is only going to increase his negative feelings.

What did you say to your son when he told you what was going on?  Did you validate his feelings?

What do you say to your mom when she threatens to leave him?  Do you confront her and tell her no she can not treat/blackmail/manipulate your son like that?

Validate your son.  Let him know his feelings are okay to have but he needs to express them differently.  Explain that g-ma does not always treat people right and that he is not the cause of her behavior.   

My 10 year old nephew was and still is very quiet until he warms up.  He was 6.5 years before he even spoke to his grandfather and it is only now comfortable giving me a brief hug when leaving (after he has had time to warm up).  His parents and I give him space to get comfortable and have never forced him to hug/talk etc (well, please and thank you were required).  I don't know if this applies to your situation, so take it for what it is worth.

Good luck to you and your son.

[Pilpel]

I have yet to tell him that my mother acts in an emotionally immature way, and this is something I may need help in dealing with.  Until recently, I perceived her behavior as being "normal," and I am beginning to realize that this is not -- and can be quite abusive.

I also tell my son that it is important to tell me if he is not comfortable around my mother, and that it is okay to feel sad, confused, or angry.

That's good that you're working on validating your son and allowing him to define his boundaries.  I hope things get better there.  You don't want your son to be getting away with bad behavior.  But you don't want issues with your mom to confuse his sense of what is good or bad behavior either, or force him into acting a certain way that he isn't genuine for him.  For us, we've been dealing with a sister in law.  We started off trying to respond in a gracious and forgiving way and often times denying our needs for the sake of trying to make her happy.  But as time has gone on, and our kids have gotten older, I've seen our in law's kids imitate some of their npd mother's behaviors with my kids.  And it's made me look at our years of trying to "keep the peace" in a different way, and realize that the way we've allowed our boundaries to be crossed is not what I want to model for my kids.  My kids recently witnessed a situation between me and my in law.  I was already feeling like I had reached a limit with her after so many years. But I realized I had to set an example for my kids.  It was super difficult, but I HAD to set boundaries in a way that I would want my kids to do if they were in the same situation.