Maybe Mom an undiagnosed high-functioning BP?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm a 25 year old woman, and I'm wondering if my mother has borderline. My dad tried to convince me that she was sick a few years ago and I thought he was being a manipulative ass, betraying the family... .but now I realize those are the messages my mom told me about him. Now, I'm living in my parents house again for a few months and everything is coming to a head. My mother has unpredictable mood swings and will work herself into a sobbing rage over something like my sister wanting to visit her friends while she's home for the holidays. She is prone to interpreting conversations or comments with strangers as a personal insult. For example, she and I went to a dog park, she casually apologized to the owner of a young puppy for having our older dog chase the puppy around. The owner of the puppy said "It has nothing to do with you"... .which I interpreted as a "dogs will be dogs" statement that let her know she need not apologize. My mother, on the other hand, was extremely offended and couldn't stop thinking about it for the next few hours, telling my sisters about this rude man in the dog park who insulted her.

She is likely to become angry or petulant over trivial matters, especially related to us kids wanting alone time or to see friends; anything that will take us away from her for extended periods of time or when it's supposed to be "family time." I feel like I have to tiptoe around her and say the right thing to avoid a blowout fight. She lost her mother when she was 10 and was raised by her alcoholic father. It seems like she has BPD traits, but she also seems to be a much less sever case than many of the examples in these other postings. She refuses to go to a therapist for any reason.

I need help coping with my mother's behavior, but I feel guilty assuming that she has borderline if she doesn't. Does anyone else have a parent with high-functioning BPD?

[Elderflr012]

I'm a 25 year old woman, and I'm wondering if my mother has borderline. My dad tried to convince me that she was sick a few years ago and I thought he was being a manipulative ass, betraying the family... .but now I realize those are the messages my mom told me about him. Now, I'm living in my parents house again for a few months and everything is coming to a head. My mother has unpredictable mood swings and will work herself into a sobbing rage over something like my sister wanting to visit her friends while she's home for the holidays. She is prone to interpreting conversations or comments with strangers as a personal insult. For example, she and I went to a dog park, she casually apologized to the owner of a young puppy for having our older dog chase the puppy around. The owner of the puppy said "It has nothing to do with you"... .which I interpreted as a "dogs will be dogs" statement that let her know she need not apologize. My mother, on the other hand, was extremely offended and couldn't stop thinking about it for the next few hours, telling my sisters about this rude man in the dog park who insulted her.

She is likely to become angry or petulant over trivial matters, especially related to us kids wanting alone time or to see friends; anything that will take us away from her for extended periods of time or when it's supposed to be "family time." I feel like I have to tiptoe around her and say the right thing to avoid a blowout fight. She lost her mother when she was 10 and was raised by her alcoholic father. It seems like she has BPD traits, but she also seems to be a much less sever case than many of the examples in these other postings. She refuses to go to a therapist for any reason.

I need help coping with my mother's behavior, but I feel guilty assuming that she has borderline if she doesn't. Does anyone else have a parent with high-functioning BPD?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Elderflr012,



I'd say it doesn't matter if your mom has an official diagnosis. You have concerns about some of her behavior and your own reactions to it. From reading your description, I feel like your and my mom might be related. 

BPD is a spectrum disorder, so some people may just exhibit traits, and function quite well on the whole, while others may meet the full criteria and have a lot of trouble functioning in society (without treatment).

You've found a place where you can learn about the disorder and its traits, and also learn tools and skills that can make your relationship improve. Members here know what it's like to love someone with BPD, so sharing and reading is so helpful.

All that to say that the thing you can learn here will help all of your relationships, BPD or not. So don't worry about diagnoses; we're here to support you and help make your relationship with your mom the best it can be. 

I feel like I have to tiptoe around her and say the right thing to avoid a blowout fight.

It sounds like there is some walking on eggshells going on. Have you read the book by the same name? Many of our members have said that a lightbulb went off after reading it.

What behaviors have been the most challenging for you?

heartandwhole