Not sure if I suffer from BPD

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I’ve just came out from 5.5 years long relationship in which I showed all the sings of BPD. He left and went completely NC, and I’ve spent hours on this board, trying to understand what have I become and why. I have no plans or means to charm him back, while every inch of my body aches from lust and limerence and my world is falling apart.

I was 36 when I met him. I had some turbulent relationships in the past, but nothing comparable to this one.
After couple of dates I went head over heels for him - lying besides him, for the first time in my life I was feeling there was no other place where I’d rather be. First time we made love, he was unable to achieve full erection, and I was saddened and upset because I ddidn’t wanted him to feel hurt, not because I was unsatisfied. While he was driving me home that evening, I told him I loved him with my heart and soul - to this day, that feeling never went away.
He seemed puzzled, but couple of days later told me he loved me. He was also drawing graphs in the air, explaining how I went from 0 to 100 in just a couple of days, and how his process was much slower. Rationally, I was able to understand his point, but it crushed me and triggered abandonment issues I never knew I had. Couple of weeks later, I left him over some stupid argument twice, and changed my mind in couple of days/hours. I admitted to him I didn’t really mean it, but was craving his attention - there was never enough of it. He did lots of other things that undermined my self-confidence, such as showing me all his Facebook friends he’d like to have sex with while laying in my bed, or asking me if I thought some random girl was looking at him on our night out.

Sex was unlike anything I’ve experienced with anyone else before… we were loosing ourselves in each other and nothing in the whole world mattered. For a couple of years before we met, he was experiencing erectile problems. Once he told me he was taking pills, I’ve asked him to stop, and we discovered he was able to have and keep the erection with me. During our first breakup, he slept with other women, but was unable to have sex with her without medicines, and he later admitted to me that he was frustrated, crying on her pillow, remembering how it was working smoothly among us… and it was the only thing that worked smoothly.

He was always telling me I had an amazing amount of power over him, to pull him into my world, my thoughts and wishes and annihilate his own... .but as I was feeling so insignificant, I was never able to understand how that power ever manifested itself.

After a year of pushing and pulling (he was leaving all the time and I’ve used every trick in the book to stop him), first breakup happened. He told me he liked me, but didn’t love me and left. I was literally banging my had to the wall. After some serious stalking (getting in contact from a fake Okcupid account), there came time for him to realise his plans to move abroad. After almost two months apart, on the last day he was supposed to spend with kids, when I expected him to be mushy and emotionally unstable, I’ve gathered all my courage and went to his place “to take my monitor back”. He told me he was dating and having sex with other women meanwhile, but I was the only one he really loved. I was the happiest person in the universe. He moved abroad but was spending every single evening talking to me online,  and we started working towards my relocation as well. But the “miracle” of his return always bothered me, so I was bragging about it for hours, analysing and accusing him. After couple of months he was pulling and I was pushing again, in a worst possible way: by blackmailing and menacing him. We have both said some horrible things.

I did everything I knew in order to fix us, but he was becoming more and more remote, which was triggering my issues, so we went into some kind of vicious cycle. I was still hoping we could be friends, a couple, partners… who could function in synergy, and not the enemies constantly breaking each other’s hearts, only if he gave us another chance. He claimed he gave us too many, but I didn’t consider “a chance” just a mere presence, but investment of some trust and the active, mutual work. Instead, he told me he thought I had a NPD (he has no formal education in psychology, but that doesn’t stop him from putting labels - something I see a lot on this board!), he perceives me as a child with special needs and that’s the only way he can treat me. He was “servicing my needs and forgot about his own” - I don’t feel this was true - my needs were long forgotten by both of us. I gave them up. The only thing that mattered was him being present, as a precondition for anything else we might build in the future.

About a month ago he left, and I went to his house in order to talk to him. He didn’t let me in. I’ve sent an email he didn’t respond to. He stopped reading my messages, but didn’t block me.
I’ve sent a simple “Happy birthday” message he didn’t respond to three weeks later, not because I wanted to continue our nightmare, but because I thought he might be alone on his 50th birthday - he has problems making and maintaining friendships.

I needed some closure and, while visiting our hometown, wanted to talk to his ex-wife (we have friends in common), hoping it could help me to understand what has happened to us… but gave up, as I knew he was going to be informed, which would have triggered his fears of some kind of smear campaign happening behind his back… I love him dearly, and I really didn’t want him to be anxious or afraid.

And now I’m sitting here, in town where I came to make a life for us, doing a job i don’t like, without friends - I didn’t have time to make them because I invested all of my energy in us. He probably started dating, because it’s the only way he knows to get some human presence.
I am crushed. I don’t want to go back, but I’d be happy to start over. Emptiness that he left is almost tangible and I don’t know what to do and who I am neither.

[nostructure]

I’ve just came out from 5.5 years long relationship in which I showed all the sings of BPD. He left and went completely NC, and I’ve spent hours on this board, trying to understand what have I become and why. I have no plans or means to charm him back, while every inch of my body aches from lust and limerence and my world is falling apart.

I was 36 when I met him. I had some turbulent relationships in the past, but nothing comparable to this one.
After couple of dates I went head over heels for him - lying besides him, for the first time in my life I was feeling there was no other place where I’d rather be. First time we made love, he was unable to achieve full erection, and I was saddened and upset because I ddidn’t wanted him to feel hurt, not because I was unsatisfied. While he was driving me home that evening, I told him I loved him with my heart and soul - to this day, that feeling never went away.
He seemed puzzled, but couple of days later told me he loved me. He was also drawing graphs in the air, explaining how I went from 0 to 100 in just a couple of days, and how his process was much slower. Rationally, I was able to understand his point, but it crushed me and triggered abandonment issues I never knew I had. Couple of weeks later, I left him over some stupid argument twice, and changed my mind in couple of days/hours. I admitted to him I didn’t really mean it, but was craving his attention - there was never enough of it. He did lots of other things that undermined my self-confidence, such as showing me all his Facebook friends he’d like to have sex with while laying in my bed, or asking me if I thought some random girl was looking at him on our night out.

Sex was unlike anything I’ve experienced with anyone else before… we were loosing ourselves in each other and nothing in the whole world mattered. For a couple of years before we met, he was experiencing erectile problems. Once he told me he was taking pills, I’ve asked him to stop, and we discovered he was able to have and keep the erection with me. During our first breakup, he slept with other women, but was unable to have sex with her without medicines, and he later admitted to me that he was frustrated, crying on her pillow, remembering how it was working smoothly among us… and it was the only thing that worked smoothly.

He was always telling me I had an amazing amount of power over him, to pull him into my world, my thoughts and wishes and annihilate his own... .but as I was feeling so insignificant, I was never able to understand how that power ever manifested itself.

After a year of pushing and pulling (he was leaving all the time and I’ve used every trick in the book to stop him), first breakup happened. He told me he liked me, but didn’t love me and left. I was literally banging my had to the wall. After some serious stalking (getting in contact from a fake Okcupid account), there came time for him to realise his plans to move abroad. After almost two months apart, on the last day he was supposed to spend with kids, when I expected him to be mushy and emotionally unstable, I’ve gathered all my courage and went to his place “to take my monitor back”. He told me he was dating and having sex with other women meanwhile, but I was the only one he really loved. I was the happiest person in the universe. He moved abroad but was spending every single evening talking to me online,  and we started working towards my relocation as well. But the “miracle” of his return always bothered me, so I was bragging about it for hours, analysing and accusing him. After couple of months he was pulling and I was pushing again, in a worst possible way: by blackmailing and menacing him. We have both said some horrible things.

I did everything I knew in order to fix us, but he was becoming more and more remote, which was triggering my issues, so we went into some kind of vicious cycle. I was still hoping we could be friends, a couple, partners… who could function in synergy, and not the enemies constantly breaking each other’s hearts, only if he gave us another chance. He claimed he gave us too many, but I didn’t consider “a chance” just a mere presence, but investment of some trust and the active, mutual work. Instead, he told me he thought I had a NPD (he has no formal education in psychology, but that doesn’t stop him from putting labels - something I see a lot on this board!), he perceives me as a child with special needs and that’s the only way he can treat me. He was “servicing my needs and forgot about his own” - I don’t feel this was true - my needs were long forgotten by both of us. I gave them up. The only thing that mattered was him being present, as a precondition for anything else we might build in the future.

About a month ago he left, and I went to his house in order to talk to him. He didn’t let me in. I’ve sent an email he didn’t respond to. He stopped reading my messages, but didn’t block me.
I’ve sent a simple “Happy birthday” message he didn’t respond to three weeks later, not because I wanted to continue our nightmare, but because I thought he might be alone on his 50th birthday - he has problems making and maintaining friendships.

I needed some closure and, while visiting our hometown, wanted to talk to his ex-wife (we have friends in common), hoping it could help me to understand what has happened to us… but gave up, as I knew he was going to be informed, which would have triggered his fears of some kind of smear campaign happening behind his back… I love him dearly, and I really didn’t want him to be anxious or afraid.

And now I’m sitting here, in town where I came to make a life for us, doing a job i don’t like, without friends - I didn’t have time to make them because I invested all of my energy in us. He probably started dating, because it’s the only way he knows to get some human presence.
I am crushed. I don’t want to go back, but I’d be happy to start over. Emptiness that he left is almost tangible and I don’t know what to do and who I am neither.

[vanx]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Breakups are tough, and I think it's normal to have some questions about yourself after a significant breakup. I am hearing that some of the questions you have may be causing you distress. Have you considered seeing a therapist? BPD traits are traits we could all potentially have to a degree. I think the answer to whether or not a person has it is best answered by a licensed, experienced professional. Whether you fit the diagnosis or not, I hope you can feel validated for what you are going through. I know personally, I do not have BPD, but I do have some attachment issues, and after an emotionally intense relationship, I had a very hard time moving on and was very affected.
Things are still pretty fresh for you. It takes time. Right now, you may feel lost, but when you feel lost or have questions, that also means you have an opportunity to learn even more about yourself and grow, so know that you will get through this. If you do have BPD, or if you have other issues, be sure to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Many of us have issues from childhood and it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to heal, but you can't heal unless you are kind to yourself.

[nostructure]

Thank you for your kind reply, vanx. I was attending CBT during last year, trying to make both of our lives better. I've learned a lot, but it didn't remove heartache, nor the need to control him. At the moment, the idea that he might be already dating makes me extremely nervous.

I also visited my ex-therapist back home, who said the same thing as you did: that we can all show some BPD traits during emotionally intense periods, but she did not think that makes me a pwBPD/NPD. She said I was emotionally abused by him, and advised I should run away from him, as far as I can.

On the other hand, his voice is still strongly present in my mind - it's hard for me not to trust him when he says it's 100% my fault. I would give everything if I could go back and give him love and support instead of fears, blackmails, menaces, cutting, offences and tantrums.  

[vanx]

Of course! We all have our unique stories, but I do think I can relate to what you're going through. I get what you mean about not ending the heartache. My first thought about this is to normalize your experience. Heartache hurts. It hurts like a physical wound. Accept and honor your hurt. It's okay to grieve.
Furthermore, therapy is just one option. I think the main thing here is that you are doing things to take care of yourself while you are hurting. You mentioned before being lonely because you were putting all your energy into the relationship. I know it's hard, but if you are able, now is a good time to put energy into yourself and connecting with others. I'm glad you are posting on here. I am a stranger, but I can tell you with total certainty it is NOT all your fault. Don't believe that for a minute. Are there things about the relationship you could reflect on and change? If you're like the rest of us, sure--we are all learning and growing, but do NOT put yourself down and take all the blame. There are people out there who care about you and will give you positive reflection about yourself. Can you connect with some old friends or family? Coming out of an intense relationship can make you feel like you've lost yourself. It's time to feel good about who you are. Hang in there.

[itgetsbetter94]

I also visited my ex-therapist back home, who said the same thing as you did: that we can all show some BPD traits during emotionally intense periods, but she did not think that makes me a pwBPD/NPD. She said I was emotionally abused by him, and advised I should run away from him, as far as I can.

Emotional abuse was the first thing that came to my mind while reading your post... .I'm really sorry you went through that. Push/pull relationships are so damaging, addictive and painful.

I also have some BPD traits, like- impulsivity, quickly falling in love etc. but I can certainly self reflect and grow. So having traits, doesn't mean you have a real thing. I wanted to talk to my psychiatrist about that issue (thinking whether or not I have BPD) but in the end of every session, she concludes our meeting with "I'm proud of you, you're doing great. Compared with the first time I saw you, you're much much better now. Everything is going to be ok".
So, I guess she would look through me by now and not congratulate me on my will to move on and detach myself if she really thought something was off. And I'm 100% honest with her. The only time she asked me something concerning my possible BPD (in my mind) was did I not find it strange that my ex wanted to marry so quickly and why did I say yes.