12 months out - thank you and thoughts...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,  It has been 12 months since my relationship with my BPD other came apart.  I came to this board after realizing that I had been a part of something I did not understand until too late. Of course I quickly learned that it might have been too late before I actually even met her. 

But... .  We do learn things to help ourselves.  I can say it is still not easy at times. Downright impossible feelings of regret and yearning to try and reach back or towards that person.  Love, is not always the answer, but it does lay a path.  Understanding what drove my ex BPD to do and act in ways that were so completely opposite of who she was and is as a person was as enlightening as it was painful.  Learning that every time I was picking up her pieces, I was leaving pieces of me behind. Learning that every moment spent being "strong" and "supportive" was not wasted, but just lost. 

So you, me, everyone that ends up on this board, learns and finds that we are far stronger by far, than we think. Even in our worst moments, it is the piece of ourselves standing there, after we should have fallen.  Call it wreckage, heart break, loss, all those negative words that rightly describe our feelings.

But I am 12 months out, away, whatever it is.   I am still a lot lost, but am finding myself everyday.  With the holidays coming, I find a lot of the pain is creeping back.  The confused heart that winds it way through my every day life, still misses that girl.  I miss her.  But.  I don't miss getting punched in the face, or told how awful I am because I don't "care" how about how she feels when I walk away from her yelling, screaming, throwing things arguments where I had thought I had lost my mind.

For those still fresh, for those still not seeing a lot of daylight.  It does get easier, better in a sense.  There is time to make you better, to make you see a lot of the things that just seem so far away.  To come to this board, is to make it about you. Not always in the selfish way, but in the selfless way. 

I stopped coming here as often, when I knew that I had to turn a page.  That I needed to stand up and be alone, because then I could embrace the parts of my life I wanted.  I love her. I care about her.  But as often happens, she is more than likely someone else's problem.  YOU need to become YOUR problem, put yourself first and say to yourself, and only to yourself, I am worth all things I want.  Accept your pain, use it as the reason to move on, not necessarily away. But far enough where you can breath and take a moment.

Even 12 months out, I find it hard to express what I went through, and that I am still afraid of being "happy".  I am not ready or maybe just afraid of the "next relationship".   But I did find Detachment.  It was huge when that first call came from her, and I did not offer to help, that I expressed myself without fear of what might happen.  But nothing happened.  I was fine.  I am fine.  I am sad, I cried today.  I miss her, or what might at this point be purely the hope of what she was, I don't know.  But I can walk outside alone, and see that I am worth more than I thought. I am stronger than I thought.

I still cannot keep my thoughts simple.  I thought this would be brief and to the point. All I wanted was to say "thank you" to the board, for being here when I needed it.  For allowing me to help others, when they needed it. And for allowing me to help MYSELF, when I definitely needed it. 

[ynwa]

Hello,  It has been 12 months since my relationship with my BPD other came apart.  I came to this board after realizing that I had been a part of something I did not understand until too late. Of course I quickly learned that it might have been too late before I actually even met her. 

But... .  We do learn things to help ourselves.  I can say it is still not easy at times. Downright impossible feelings of regret and yearning to try and reach back or towards that person.  Love, is not always the answer, but it does lay a path.  Understanding what drove my ex BPD to do and act in ways that were so completely opposite of who she was and is as a person was as enlightening as it was painful.  Learning that every time I was picking up her pieces, I was leaving pieces of me behind. Learning that every moment spent being "strong" and "supportive" was not wasted, but just lost. 

So you, me, everyone that ends up on this board, learns and finds that we are far stronger by far, than we think. Even in our worst moments, it is the piece of ourselves standing there, after we should have fallen.  Call it wreckage, heart break, loss, all those negative words that rightly describe our feelings.

But I am 12 months out, away, whatever it is.   I am still a lot lost, but am finding myself everyday.  With the holidays coming, I find a lot of the pain is creeping back.  The confused heart that winds it way through my every day life, still misses that girl.  I miss her.  But.  I don't miss getting punched in the face, or told how awful I am because I don't "care" how about how she feels when I walk away from her yelling, screaming, throwing things arguments where I had thought I had lost my mind.

For those still fresh, for those still not seeing a lot of daylight.  It does get easier, better in a sense.  There is time to make you better, to make you see a lot of the things that just seem so far away.  To come to this board, is to make it about you. Not always in the selfish way, but in the selfless way. 

I stopped coming here as often, when I knew that I had to turn a page.  That I needed to stand up and be alone, because then I could embrace the parts of my life I wanted.  I love her. I care about her.  But as often happens, she is more than likely someone else's problem.  YOU need to become YOUR problem, put yourself first and say to yourself, and only to yourself, I am worth all things I want.  Accept your pain, use it as the reason to move on, not necessarily away. But far enough where you can breath and take a moment.

Even 12 months out, I find it hard to express what I went through, and that I am still afraid of being "happy".  I am not ready or maybe just afraid of the "next relationship".   But I did find Detachment.  It was huge when that first call came from her, and I did not offer to help, that I expressed myself without fear of what might happen.  But nothing happened.  I was fine.  I am fine.  I am sad, I cried today.  I miss her, or what might at this point be purely the hope of what she was, I don't know.  But I can walk outside alone, and see that I am worth more than I thought. I am stronger than I thought.

I still cannot keep my thoughts simple.  I thought this would be brief and to the point. All I wanted was to say "thank you" to the board, for being here when I needed it.  For allowing me to help others, when they needed it. And for allowing me to help MYSELF, when I definitely needed it. 

[Tosquinha]

Hi there,

A fellow 12-month-er out/away.  I relate so very well to this... .even right down to the crying if only of what we thought they were and the holidays being hard.  Especially since this is when we split up.  The first 6 months after she kept showing up out of the blue which made healing difficult.  Then for 4 months, nothing.  Healing came.  Even after running into her, while I could find detachment at most levels, I still cried for/over her, some days more than others.  I wonder about her, I worry about her, I feel bad for my part far more than I feel bad for what she did to me, our family, and even herself. 

I hope you continue to find detachment and healing in the best ways possible.  Hang in there.  Come here when you need to.  Like you, I had to step away from here too so as to not relive the previous 7 years and to be able to breathe. 

Best wishes, and know you are not alone.

[Tormenta]

Congratulations!     

Good news: it gets better and better... .one day you will be free. 

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you for sharing this. I always feel better when I read someone has a new appreciation for life and has rebuild himself/herself after such painful experience. I want that for myself and hope I'll get there in time.

[SuperJew82]

Very well put. I can closely relate being about 6 months out myself. About once a week I find myself in a 60-second cry. Feels kind of good afterward. I think it's the idea of what we could have been that I mourn. The logical part tells me life would have been hell trying to sustain a relationship with her.

Even if I, individually, was strong enough - I wouldn't want my little girls to watch and learn how a relationship was supposed to look like in this way.

I may be single without romantic companionship and definitely a bit lonely at times - but it's soo much better than being anxiety stricken, paranoid, confused, etc... .It is a good trade, there is no denying that.

We would have been perfect together - if there wasn't this illness called personality disorder. The reality is that if she would have been healthy, we would have never met because she wouldn't have destroyed all her other previous relationships.

I think the short and cold winter days lets the melancholy seep in a bit easier.

It has gotten easier every day and I also find breaks from this site a necessity. I just can't wait 'till I have the motivation to seek out a healthy relationship. I have lost my mojo right now.

[blueblue12]

Good post and thank you for that.

I am with you SuperJew82, I am nearly 8 months out of a ten year relationship/marriage. I also feel good about the fact that my life right now is peaceful, I had enough of the anxiety, trying so hard to make her happy, walking on egg shells all day long.

I also feel that if she would have been ok we would never have met. I was amazed that she was not in a stable, normal relationship when I met her. After all she was beautiful, intelligent had a great personality, super friendly and made you feel important. Ah, there, the red flags were there I just had no clue!

I am on my own, not seeking any new relationship, just trying to rebuild myself, trying hard to find myself again. My T helps enormously in this.

I do not miss the tantrums, daily drama, arguments out of nowhere and her desire to lead a life like a single girl. In fact a lot of the time, specially during the last year it didn’t feel like a marriage, more like two people just sharing a house. It was certainly weird for me, I had no concept of a marriage in that fashion. But if I said anything, I was put down quickly as “too controlling” so I had to accept and try hard to understand, try to work on my ideas as perhaps being out of touch with what was expected.

My T changed that, he simply stated “that’s not a marriage, she lost respect for you, she put you in a parental role and acted as a bad teenager.”

So I miss her, but it certainly feels good to be away from that scenario!

[ynwa]

Thank you all for your kind words.  I am far from OK, as they say but I am way better than I was.  I can be totally honest and admit I miss her every day.  That I have conversations in my head, and can see ways to make things right.  But.  and this part I did not have until recently, it stops there. 

I do not know how long it will take to "move on".  I have accepted that she was a massive part of my life, and that even if I tried she is not going very far, both figuratively and physically.  We live in city, a mile or so apart, our bills are still entangled, the cats, friends. 

It is a slow process, with very small growth.  Each day is better, not fun, not always great, but better.  My sense of self and understanding moves along.  The things I do, do not always include "what would she think", or will she be mad at me.   All the lasting effects of living in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship are starting to show.

[MeandThee29]

Thank you all for your kind words.  I am far from OK, as they say but I am way better than I was.  I can be totally honest and admit I miss her every day.  That I have conversations in my head, and can see ways to make things right.  But.  and this part I did not have until recently, it stops there. 

I do not know how long it will take to "move on".  I have accepted that she was a massive part of my life, and that even if I tried she is not going very far, both figuratively and physically.  We live in city, a mile or so apart, our bills are still entangled, the cats, friends. 

It is a slow process, with very small growth.  Each day is better, not fun, not always great, but better.  My sense of self and understanding moves along.  The things I do, do not always include "what would she think", or will she be mad at me.   All the lasting effects of living in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship are starting to show.

We had our 25th this fall. It's a little easier with him several states away, but our finances remain entangled. He never had friends here despite being in this house for 20 years, so he moved closer to family. I have a lot of friends here, as do my young adults.

My counsellor said to not to set goals like "I will be emotionally free after six months." She said to just take each day and to be encouraged by baby steps. I'm definitely getting better. Frankly the counselling sessions are tough. I switched counsellors this summer, wanting a slightly different focus and fresh perspective. She's a lot harder on me in a good way than the clinical psychologist was. I wouldn't be where I am now though without her.