The IMAGO of my borderline partners..

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been following more information on the Imago theory.  I find it quite interesting but never had made the connection to something until recently. 

My BPDexgf discorded me in the end of Sept.  and I ran away so to speak.  I mean even when she contacted me (in a lame way) i didn't respond and I found a parellel to something that i thought i would share.   First, the whole theory on IMAGO is that we subconsciously pick a pattern to repeat that reflects unresolved issues with one or both parents growing up. 

From the time my father passed, my ex wife began displaying BPD traits.  They say a trauma can do that and she was close to my dad (though of him as her own bc her own was abusive growing up).  Then her and I get divorced and I have continued to run into either NPD or BPD women (3). 

It didn't hit me until this one blew up but I think that my unresolved conflict with my dad is that he would abandon me or not support me when i needed him most.  But I was typically there for him.  Even when i was in High school I gave my parents money because my dad had lost his job.   They never repayed me when he was alive.  Then in colllege, my first lover cheated on me (it was college and i had no idea what relationships were all about) and then I came home over the summer.  Imersed in grief, i stayed out all night and he fired me from my job with him.  He didn't even care what my reason was or let me save face.  That's why i think he had BPD because he would rage and over-react and then the next day pretend like nothing happened.   This time i had had enough and i took off on a bus for college by myself.   Again, he was not there for me when i had a moment of weakness and needed emotional support for being cheated on by my first lover.

Fast forward to after he suddenly died when I was 30 and he was 54-   History after that is one bad thing happening in relationship after another.  But the common thread is they (like him) can't be there for me!  they are emotionally unable to be supportive just like he was.

My conclusion:  I think that perhaps in some way i'm trying to keep my dad alive by bringing in these same types of people into my life.  I didn't realize that because i didn't have closure with him for his death (he had blown off my 5year olds bday party to go see my brother and I was angry about that (felt like being let down again and triangulated against my brother))  and never got a chance to resolve that with him before he died.

All these partners were and have been some sadistic subconscious program (i think) to keep his memory alive or bring him back from the dead.   

":)ad- may you rest in peace.  I forgive you for hurting me in the past but i am no longer going to use women as a vehicle to try and heal this.  you are gone and I hope that you know that my anger was only a reaction but even though i couldn't hold you accountable for your behavior, I still love you unconditionally.  I don't mean it's okay what you did.  I just am no longer going to let you control my life by channeling in these women for me to heal something that happened so long ago.  You are FREE Dad.
May you rest in peace.

Love, Love, Love
your son (my name)."

I wanted to share this openly because i believe it is my life pattern with women and I no longer want to play this painful game.  I have to let him go... .

[truthbeknown]

I have been following more information on the Imago theory.  I find it quite interesting but never had made the connection to something until recently. 

My BPDexgf discorded me in the end of Sept.  and I ran away so to speak.  I mean even when she contacted me (in a lame way) i didn't respond and I found a parellel to something that i thought i would share.   First, the whole theory on IMAGO is that we subconsciously pick a pattern to repeat that reflects unresolved issues with one or both parents growing up. 

From the time my father passed, my ex wife began displaying BPD traits.  They say a trauma can do that and she was close to my dad (though of him as her own bc her own was abusive growing up).  Then her and I get divorced and I have continued to run into either NPD or BPD women (3). 

It didn't hit me until this one blew up but I think that my unresolved conflict with my dad is that he would abandon me or not support me when i needed him most.  But I was typically there for him.  Even when i was in High school I gave my parents money because my dad had lost his job.   They never repayed me when he was alive.  Then in colllege, my first lover cheated on me (it was college and i had no idea what relationships were all about) and then I came home over the summer.  Imersed in grief, i stayed out all night and he fired me from my job with him.  He didn't even care what my reason was or let me save face.  That's why i think he had BPD because he would rage and over-react and then the next day pretend like nothing happened.   This time i had had enough and i took off on a bus for college by myself.   Again, he was not there for me when i had a moment of weakness and needed emotional support for being cheated on by my first lover.

Fast forward to after he suddenly died when I was 30 and he was 54-   History after that is one bad thing happening in relationship after another.  But the common thread is they (like him) can't be there for me!  they are emotionally unable to be supportive just like he was.

My conclusion:  I think that perhaps in some way i'm trying to keep my dad alive by bringing in these same types of people into my life.  I didn't realize that because i didn't have closure with him for his death (he had blown off my 5year olds bday party to go see my brother and I was angry about that (felt like being let down again and triangulated against my brother))  and never got a chance to resolve that with him before he died.

All these partners were and have been some sadistic subconscious program (i think) to keep his memory alive or bring him back from the dead.   

":)ad- may you rest in peace.  I forgive you for hurting me in the past but i am no longer going to use women as a vehicle to try and heal this.  you are gone and I hope that you know that my anger was only a reaction but even though i couldn't hold you accountable for your behavior, I still love you unconditionally.  I don't mean it's okay what you did.  I just am no longer going to let you control my life by channeling in these women for me to heal something that happened so long ago.  You are FREE Dad.
May you rest in peace.

Love, Love, Love
your son (my name)."

I wanted to share this openly because i believe it is my life pattern with women and I no longer want to play this painful game.  I have to let him go... .

[truthbeknown]

any thoughts or responses to the Imago stuff?

[Insom]

I don't know the first thing about IMAGO.  Would you like to say more about it and what you're connecting with?

[truthbeknown]

Imago theory says that our subconscious searches for partners which mimic that which we identify with from growing up.  So if someone had an emotionally distant parent then they would most likely find a mate that was that way etc.   The tricky thing for me and what i have read from BPD is that those patterns which we may try to avoid start out the opposite.  I think because I didn't get emotional support growing up that I have looked for partners who would provide this.  In the value stage it seems real and I'm so head over heals happy that i'm NOT attracting what my parents represented. However, it comes to pass that with my past partners since i've been divorced that i keep attracting emotionally dysfunctional types.  This last one new it but didn't seem to care to change or doesn't know how to change. 

So I'm hoping that now that i've identified that since my father passed that i have been attracting partners that mimic his lack of support that i stop doing this.  He was a Jeckle and Hyde personality to me.  I was bonded to him more then my Narcissistic mother but he would turn on me to please her.  Bingo- that is what this last relationship gave me: push pull once we hit the devalue stage. 

Since i did not resolve anything with my dad before he passed i'm hypothesizing that i attract women similar to him to keep him around energetically speaking or subconsciously speaking. 

[Insom]

You sound hopeful!  Like IMAGO has given you a new lens through which you can view potential partners?

The tricky thing for me and what i have read from BPD is that those patterns which we may try to avoid start out the opposite.

This is interesting.  It's clear to me now that I entered into a relationship with BPD-ex as a response to stuff that was going on at home when I was a teen.  When he first appeared I viewed him as a rescuer of sorts.  It took time to see all I'd done with him was jump into a much more blatantly disordered relationship than what I was experiencing at home.

[truthbeknown]

yes,  so tricky how they can show us the mask.  It's almost like an actor having a script that they have rehearsed ahead of time.  But for me i clearly see how this is how my dad was.  He was friendly to me until conflict in my mother came about.  Then he would turn on me and she me his dark side. Very unsupportive.  So what i am seeing is that the beginning of these relationships starts out just like the friendly version of my dad. 

I'm not sure how to handle it in the future because once the dark side comes out i'm already bonded with them.  I think i'm going to have to put sex on the way back burner because that is too bonding for me.  I may be wrong be it seems like alot of the guys on here are empathetic bonder types and therefore sex would be an opportunity to bond. 

So I think this information is hopeful in that it has triggered an awareness of a pattern.  I won't know for awhile because i'm not actively looking for a r/s right now.

[Insom]

I'm not sure how to handle it in the future because once the dark side comes out i'm already bonded with them.  I think i'm going to have to put sex on the way back burner because that is too bonding for me.  I may be wrong be it seems like alot of the guys on here are empathetic bonder types and therefore sex would be an opportunity to bond. 

It sounds like you've given yourself some good advice here.

In retrospect, did you notice any signs of something being "off" or different about your BPD-ex before you bonded?  For me there were, but I didn't recognize them for what they were until, like you, I was all in.  Now, I would, I think.

[truthbeknown]

It sounds like you've given yourself some good advice here.

In retrospect, did you notice any signs of something being "off" or different about your BPD-ex before you bonded?  For me there were, but I didn't recognize them for what they were until, like you, I was all in.  Now, I would, I think.

No I really don't think I noticed because she seemed like one of my relatives from when i grew up.  The only thing that i was aware of was that she was a little pushy but that was an ethnic trait that I was willing to bargain for as long as she wasn't using it in a negative way with me.  For instance, she might say, (my name, come over, it'll be fun.)  There were so many things that i still think verbally that made her feel like family that even now it's hard to let her go because of.    Once i did recognize the things that were off and brought them up the relationship started to go south (which btw was when she got off AD's).   

So in all honesty I did stick up for myself and did address the patterns when they presented themselves which could be why the relationship ended so quickly.  However, I still had a hard time pulling away because i justified it was my fault for triggering this side of her and because I so wanted her to be "the one" and overcome the patterns that i saw. 

I don't regret having sex with her at the stage of the relationship that i did.  I believe that sex is a trigger and without having it one would not really see the borderline or npd traits anyway.  It just makes it harder because I bond in that way to an extreme and i'm not good with casual sex.  She was resistant to having intercourse because she had gotten pregnant with her ex even after his vasectomy so she was carrying the memory of that.  Because of that it made me feel like she was not "easy" and was taking her time before being ready for that next step.  Now i'm not sure if that was part of some control game or mind game etc?  who knows?