His brother died 3 months ago, now his mother is dying...

[FlSunshineGirl]

It's been almost 4 years since we ended things. I've been able to maintain no contact up until June last year when his mom had a heart attack. He reached out over text and I sent a few texts back saying I was sorry. She improved and I hadn't herd from him since. In August, I heard his brother had been hospitalized and had passed away. Our history is complicated by the fact that our parents have been friends for around 30 years or so and he was a childhood friend that turned into a major disaster of a relationship that was on and off again for 5-5 1/2 years. My parents went to his brother's funeral but I didn't. When I heard his brother passes away I sent him an email and told him I was sorry.
A few weeks ago I heard his mom was having heart problems and she was in the hospital. He reached out and sent me an email and told me it was very serious and they weren't sure she was going to make it. Her heart, kidneys and liver weren't working right and she's on 24/7 dialysis now. They doctors told them she wouldn't be coming home and there was nothing they could do for her.
I went up to the hospital with my mom and visited her. It's probably the last time I will see her.
He sent me an email and told me that it touched him that I went to visit her and wants to know if he can lean on me for suport when she passes.
I am so torn. Part of my hurts for him for all the pain they are in and wants to be there, and the other part doesn't want to be involved with him at all.
I wrote him back and told him that his dad and him had lots of people that cared about them and would be there and I would be ther as best I could be.
I don't mind lending some support, prayers, checking in, but he wants to meet and talk and I'm not sure I want to really do that. I haven't seen him in almost 4 years.
Does anyone have any advice? What would you do? Should I try to keep my distance or try to be a suoort for a short time to him and his dad?
I just don't know what to do... .

[itgetsbetter94]

Oh... .two major tragedies in a short time. I can only imagine how can a person with BPD go through that. They are hypersensitive as it is, god knows what a real life struggle can do to them.

I'm trying to imagine what I would do if I were in your shoes... .4 years has passed, do you feel strong enough to encounter him again? Keep in mind he is in his most vulnerable state of mind right now. If he tries to get close to you again, would you have a will power to back off, and leave him so fragile and broken? Most of them attract us with their vulnerability and frailness, this time it would be so much worse because he really has a reason to despair... .It's a tricky situation, I hope you'll make a right call.

[Lucky Jim]

He sent me an email and told me that it touched him that I went to visit her and wants to know if he can lean on me for suport when she passes.

Hey FLSunshine, It's nice that you went to see his mother, yet it seems sort of odd to me that he would be looking to lean on you for support four years after you parted ways.  On some level, you have already answered your own question:

I don't mind lending some support, prayers, checking in, but he wants to meet and talk and I'm not sure I want to really do that. I haven't seen him in almost 4 years.

I suggest you follow your gut feelings by declining to meet and talk.

LuckyJim

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you both for replying and offering advice.
ItGetsBetter, his mom passed away today.
He sent me an email and wanted to come by my house for a hug.
I wasn't home and wrote back and said I wouldn't be home for hours.
We chatted a bit over email and I told him I was sorry. He said he was numb. He hadn't even cried yet. He had told my mom (at his Brother's funeral) that he broke up with his girlfriend. Today when we chatted I asked him if he was at his dad's and he said he was at home waiting for his girlfriends to come home from work. Apparently he reached out to me right after she passed but didn't even tell his girlfriend until a few hours later.
I do find it odd that he is back together with his girlfriend and yet is reaching out to me for support. He said he had "come to terms with me" meaning there wouldn't be an us and I had moved on and with someone else. He said he didn't want to interfere with my life but needed a friend.
Yes it does tug on my heart that he is sad and hurting. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I don't ever want to be with him.
He said he wants to meet for coffee this week. I know he wants a hug.
Lucky Jim, I also find it strange that after 4 years that he would reach out to me and look for support. Makes me think there is some other motive. Maybe to triangulate the girlfriend? Looking for a replacement mother figure?
I just keep going back and forth with thinking it is best not to meet up with him but then feeling bad for him that his mom died.
We do have a long history with our patents being friends for over 40 years and me basically growing up with him as kids.
It's very complicated... .that's the other reason it makes this so hard.

[itgetsbetter94]

I have really bad feeling about this. And I'm also kind of shocked, although I thought nothing could shock me anymore concerning people with BPD.
Is it really possible that he's using his mother's death as a way to crawl back to your life? First thought, first impulse after her death... .to msg you? For you to give him a hug? A hug? I'm sorry, but to me this seem like next level manipulation.  Manipulation level 10000. What about his gf? Why doesn't she consoles him and give him a hug?
I'm 120% sure if you meet him for a coffee, that he'll make typical waif maneuver.  Hug, hug, he missed you, you were always his best friend, his gf just doesn't understand him... .
And he's being pushy, after you explained your reasons... .
All of this is just too shady.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FLSunshine, I'm with itgetsbetter: it all seems fishy to me, if not manipulative.  Based on the history of your parents' long friendship, maybe you could make some symbolic gesture of support, like sending flowers or making a contribution in his mother's memory?  I suspect there is a good reason why you have been out of contact until now.

LJ

[FlSunshineGirl]

LJ & IGB... .I think you're both right. He's already done the "no matter what you will always be my best friend" and I've heard (over email) "I hope I've shown you I respect your life now and won't interfere in a negative way".
But he does keep reiterating I'm his friend by saying "thank you friend" or "a better friend I've never had".
Maybe he is trying to manipulate me into getting back into my life. But for almost 4 years now I have not answered his texts or emails except for replying back last June when his mom had a heart attack that I was sorry or when his brother died I did send him an "I'm sorry for your loss" email.
He knows I'm in a relationship and I'm very happy. Wondering what is it that he wants? To use me for emotional support so he won't feel "alone".

[once removed]

i dont see much in the way of red flags here. i dont think hes trying to manipulate you; youre both in a committed relationship, and he certainly cant force you into one with him.

people can really get out of sorts when they lose a loved one. weve all been there, i way overshared when my breakup occurred.

and pwBPD traits, more so; difficulty self soothing, relying on others, and a tendency to cross boundaries and be inappropriate when it comes to asking for support.

bottom line? if youre not comfortable meeting up with him, dont. give the level of support you are comfortable giving, no more, no less.

[Fie]

Hello 

Wondering what is it that he wants? To use me for emotional support so he won't feel "alone".

Does it really matter ? You gave him your condolences and more then that.
I'm sure you broke up with a reason. On top of that, you don't owe him anything. There is absolutely no reason why you should keep contact. And a hug ... .really, that sounds absurd. His girlfriend or a friend can hug him. Not his ex from 4 years ago. Especially if she's not up for that !

It's ok to say no FlSunshineGirl !
xx

[FlSunshineGirl]

After doing a lot of thinking about it, I decided to meet him for coffee. It had been almoat 3 years since I had seen him. He has gained so much weight that I almost didn't recognize him.
In a way it was good to see him again but I was really happy I wasn't with him anymore.
He did tell me how he still loves me and how he would never love another like he loved me. He said he missed me terribly. He asked about my relationship and I told him it was going great and I was really happy. He said he was glad. I told him I was glad he has gotten back together with his girlfriend (they had broken up a few months before around the time of his brother's funeral).
He told me she "didn't check off all the boxes, but was a good girl". He can't stand her mom or her daughter though.
I remember when we were together he wanted to be with me all the time and go everywhere and do everything together.
I would tell him I needed "me time" and he always hated that.
It's funny because now he was telling me how he works over 60 hours a week and when he comes home she is excited to see him but he needs to relax or wants time for himself.
He told me he tells her he needs "me time" and she always thinks that means he wants to go cheat on her. He said she can have all the time she wants and he encourages her to go spend time with her family or friends. He said he's not jealous at all with her. He was insanely jealous when we were together. So much so that one time a friend of mine said she thought a singer at church we saw was cute and I just shook my head and said "um hm" in agreement and he was jealous over that.
He tells me he is emotionally disconnected to her and the only person he trusts is me.
I think he was definitely trying to test the waters out with me.
We have emailed a bit back and forth (him sharing about his grief and how his dad is doing and things like that).
I did let him know that I was in a great place in my life and in my relationship and he started backing off with the compliments.
He was starting to throw in comments in his email like "and I love you for it" and how he "could hug a thousand different people but no ones hugs comfort me like yours."