Found out she's got my replacement...

[NewStart]

Well, it's only been 7 months and I found out from my boys my BPD/NPDexw is dating the most eligible bachelor in town, a handsome wealthy anesthesiologist.  Frustrating that she tells a million lies, projects all her issues on to me, smears me like an artist, takes my home and life savings and ends up with this new relationship within 6 months... .it just doesn't seem right.

So this begs the question we all ask ourselves... .will this one work out?  

Hate this feeling... .

NS

[CloseToFreedom]

Its impossible to really say but in my experience, no it will not work out. My ex had a recplacement in a month time and she was super happy with him on social media etcetera, I could have never imagined that not working out despite everyone here telling me it would blow up. Sure enough in a year time she started contacting me about how unhappy she was, and a year later that relationship was over.

What makes you think she has learned anything? Most likely she'll repeat the same cycle.

[NewStart]

Hey CloseToFreedom,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and personal experience.

[Tosquinha]

How long did you last?  Seems to me all we all are is a replacement for the last one.  My ex was with her previous partner almost 10 years, had a two year replacement, and replaced the replacement with me which lasted 7 years.  This is their cycle.

[NewStart]

Hey Tosquinha,

We were together about 4 years married for 2 1/2 of those years.  I kind of knew within the first 6 months that something wasn't right as I put her on the deed to my home and she then did not put me on hers even though that was the plan.  Next, she insisted on pulling equity out of my house to pay down her debts and on our first Thanksgiving together... .she spent $6,000 and got herself a tummy tuck even though I thought this was not the best use for our money so early in our marriage.

I feel like an idiot, from the day I put her on my deed, she totally changed and I became an object to use and she began the long and sorted devaluation phase... .it was two long years of being used and abused behind closed doors while in public she tactfully smeared and destroyed me.

NS 

[NewStart]

... .on a related note, she destroyed the father of her third child who was the one before me (they were not married)... .she destroyed him so completely that he is now estranged from his family and is barred from seeing his daughter... .she made horrible claims that he molested his daughter... .he passed lie detector tests and there was never any evidence of any kind... .but she was so convincing... .I now understand when he stood up in court and blurted out, "can't you all see this is just more of her lies and manipulation"... .he appeared crazy... .but now I know what he must have been going through having been at the point of her never ending lies about me... .she is such an incredible creep... .it's no wonder she has such trust issues... .

NS

[NewStart]

CloseToFreedom,

Not sure why this didn't end up in my first reply, but here it is... .

What makes you think she has learned anything?

It's not that I think she really "learned" anything like you're thinking, it's that I'm afraid she adapted and really NEEDS this relationship to work.  It's the final piece in her incredible smear masterpiece, if this works it is her final "proof" that all the lies she said about me were true, that she was somehow justified in destroying me and taking my home and life savings... .I feel she will go to the mat to make this work as it supports her NPD image of herself... .

It all really has made me question what was real, what was imagined and what role did I really play in my ultimate destruction... .

NS 

[once removed]

It all really has made me question what was real, what was imagined and what role did I really play in my ultimate destruction... .

isnt this the question youre asking at the end of the day?

in the sense that a romantic relationship is an interaction, we all play a role in the destruction/breakdown of any relationship just as we play a role in the courting rituals. when that relationship ends, it makes sense to examine that so that its not something we take into our next relationship.

theres a lot of hurt attached to the relationships that we bring to these boards, theres a lot of inherent dysfunction that someone with BPD traits brings into a relationship, so its scary and uncomfortable to say/see that we had any role in its breakdown; i know for some time the thought just triggered a lot of fear and what ifs for me, until i took my dysfunction into the next relationship and the next and was forced to examine it.

if all we hear is "i did nothing wrong", that leaves nothing to learn from.

theres no telling how our exes next relationships will go; the only thing that we can really say with certainty is that it will be "different". but by clinging to the outcome, it keeps us attached, and we build a foundation for our own recovery that can be fraught with peril. my exes failure or success has no bearing on me any more than a girl i broke up with in say, middle school. the question for me was "will i learn the lessons im supposed to learn here, will i go on to success and healthier relationships".

[NewStart]

but by clinging to the outcome, it keeps us attached, and we build a foundation for our own recovery that can be fraught with peril. my exes failure or success has no bearing on me any more than a girl i broke up with in say, middle school is

Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm pathetic, sure I'm worried whether it will work out, but I'm more worried that she has another ear to paint me with the lies she perpetuated about me.  Her new BF is a basketball parent in my boys group, people I've known for years aren't speaking to me at games... .once again she has the stage to destroy me while I have no way to defend myself... .

Am I the only one, it hurts that with lies and deceit she stole everything that was mine and keeps getting ahead while I fall further behind?

NS

[Tobiasfunke]

Sorry you're having a tough time. You've been here long enough to know how this plays out. She is who she  is. Unless she does the intense work to help herself the same maladies that fell your relationship will sink this one. You will never be truly free of her since you share your boys. You ARE free of having to deal with rages and the roller coaster ride a day in the life of being her Significant Other is. Soon enough you and her doctor friend will be able share war stories. Nobody's perfect. We all have our moments and bare a portion of ownership with these relationships. Don't dwell on what goes on with her relationships. Focus on you and the kids. You are out of shawshank. Enjoy your freedom.

[NewStart]

Tobiusfunke,

Thank you for the insights... .they mean more than you know.  We luckily don't share children, she had here and I have mine... .

I was doing so well and can't understand how this has totally derailed me... .if I'm honest it reinforces my own deep seated self loathing... .I'm so disappointed in everything I've done to get me to this point... .

NS

[ynwa]

Thinking of it as being replaced, is somewhat less than helpful. Yes we have been replaced, but it is also being relieved.  Given a chance to step out of a place that even in the most hard felt love is still not an easy or healthy place right? Your body and heart literally yearn for the relationship, ignoring the ___e it out you through.

In most cases, I would think that the length of the next relationship can only rely on the new person.  But after a time, does it matter how long?  Our pride and sense of self no matter how strong tells us that we should be the one to make it right, to help them through whatever, because we love them.

That is the point for me, that bordering on obsession, I STILL think about.  I know my part in my relationship prolonged it.  I still think about making it work, which is easier than either living alone or finding a new partner.  It is straight up boring to be alone, and out of the ups and downs. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NS, I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I predict that a day will come when you will be grateful to be out of your BPD r/s.  It doesn't get better, my friend, and fortunately you are on the other side of it.  No, I doubt that things will go well with the new guy and don't be fooled by appearances.  She still has BPD and all the same issues, don't forget.  It's hard, but I suggest you let go of the outcome, which is beyond your control.  Instead, put your energy where your power is: you and your future.

LuckyJim

[NewStart]

In most cases, I would think that the length of the next relationship can only rely on the new person.  But after a time, does it matter how long?  Our pride and sense of self no matter how strong tells us that we should be the one to make it right, to help them through whatever, because we love them.

I know you're right that it doesn't matter how long the relationship is and yes if I'm honest its' my pride.  Not that I love her as I real do not as the way she destroyed me financially and with her smear campaign cured me of the emotion of love.  I think it's my ego and my sense of reality that I'm hoping can be restored by learning through the grapevine someday that her new relationship failed... .this "doctor" somehow will lend credence to my claims that my ex-wife was in fact a cruel and manipulative individual... .I know, I know quite self serving of me. 

It's hard, but I suggest you let go of the outcome, which is beyond your control.  Instead, put your energy where your power is: you and your future.

So VERY true and this is where my mind has started to pull back to after having gone down that distressful rabbit whole once again... .I'll admit, days it is very hard because the life she is now living is in MY old home of almost 13years... .but I have solace when I think to myself, "she can try to steel her way into class and character, but at the end of the day no matter how she tries to mask who she is... .her true self will always reveal itself... ."  Or so I hope, hahaha!

NS

[Lucky Jim]

at the end of the day no matter how she tries to mask who she is... .her true self will always reveal itself...

Yes, the other shoe always drops, and the cycle starts all over again.

Be grateful that you are off the roller coaster.

LJ

[NewStart]

Yes, the other shoe always drops, and the cycle starts all over again.

Be grateful that you are off the roller coaster.

LJ

I know it's not right to wish bad upon someone... .but I really do hope the other shoe drops... .the sooner the better... .

I am grateful to be off the roller coaster for sure, yet still stung from how ugly she made the whole process.

I know I sound like a broken record, but she NEEDS this relationship with a "doctor" to work SO BADLY that I fear she will really bend over backwards to not let the mask come off... .maybe even change for real... .because if the DOES NOT WORK out, she will be exposed and THAT is something she can't let happen, this IS the final piece to her smear campaign masterpiece and if she can pull it off... .no one will ever believe or understand what REALLY happened... .

I guessing my thoughts above are similar for others out there who are recovering from their BPD/NPD relationships?

NS 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NS, Let me ask you a tough question:  Why does it matter to you whether her new r/s "works out" or not?  It's beyond your control, right?  So why sweat it?  LJ

[once removed]

I guessing my thoughts above are similar for others out there who are recovering from their BPD/NPD relationships?

sure. i had similar thoughts for some months after my relationship ended.

the question is, does "similar" mean "healthy"? and perhaps more importantly, does it mean "attached"?

if you reread your words, do they sound like detachment?

to me, they sound like attachment to wounds of feelings of injustice, and that i definitely empathize with. but like others who have been there, you can work through those feelings and begin to let them go, which most of us would tell you is in your best interest.

in my personal experience, i spent some months watching their relationship. i couldnt gleam much of anything. a bit further down the road, i heard that things sounded like a relationship i wouldnt want any part of. that was pretty anti climatic. ultimately though, their relationship lasted significantly longer than mine did. im glad i didnt hang on for some four plus years hoping her relationship would fail, i got on with my life, and eventually (through work and detachment) got to the point that i wished her well.

bottom line? i asked myself what her success meant for me, if anything. it was a fear i needed to face, because the answer at the time was that if she succeeded, it meant i had a part in a failed relationship. the truth was that even though i did the best i could with what i had at the time, i did have a part in a failed relationship. and the non intuitive thing, is that exploring that, as i was ready, was ultimately what helped me to detach and move on.

[NewStart]

I could answer every question... .try to make sense of it... .say I'm a good person... .but these people end our lives... .and no matter what I say now... .my life is over... .she took it all... .

Be well,

NS