Am I the only one who feels so utterly helpless against a high functioning BPD/NPDs smear campaigns?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

by clinging to the outcome, it keeps us attached, and we build a foundation for our own recovery that can be fraught with peril. my exes failure or success has no bearing on me any more than a girl i broke up with in say, middle school.

I think I'm unfortunately more concerned about how she is painting me to this person as he has children my boys age, they play basketball together etc. and I'm afraid he will be a conduit for the lies to filter into the group of those parents in our small community... .it's so hard when we've been so artfully painted black and really have no avenue to defend ourselves.  Just on Saturday, before I even knew they were dating I found it odd at my sons basketball game that people kept looking at me then looking away... .people that I've said hello to and known for years didn't even acknowledge me... .

Who knows knows, maybe I'm hyper sensitive, maybe I'm withdrawn so these parents don't engage me... .only they really know I guess... .

Am I the only one who feels so utterly helpless against a high functioning BPD/NPDs smear campaigns?

NS

[NewStart]

by clinging to the outcome, it keeps us attached, and we build a foundation for our own recovery that can be fraught with peril. my exes failure or success has no bearing on me any more than a girl i broke up with in say, middle school.

I think I'm unfortunately more concerned about how she is painting me to this person as he has children my boys age, they play basketball together etc. and I'm afraid he will be a conduit for the lies to filter into the group of those parents in our small community... .it's so hard when we've been so artfully painted black and really have no avenue to defend ourselves.  Just on Saturday, before I even knew they were dating I found it odd at my sons basketball game that people kept looking at me then looking away... .people that I've said hello to and known for years didn't even acknowledge me... .

Who knows knows, maybe I'm hyper sensitive, maybe I'm withdrawn so these parents don't engage me... .only they really know I guess... .

Am I the only one who feels so utterly helpless against a high functioning BPD/NPDs smear campaigns?

NS

[Pretty Woman]

NewStart,
   The best way to combat a smear campaign is to continue to live with integrity as you always have.

If you are a good, decent person that will shine through.

My ex smeared me all over the place. I work with her sister who was so scared of me (due to the absurd stories her sister was spinning) she actually threatened to go to HR if I looked at her the wrong way.

Did that affect me? Of course it did, I am a good person and none of these things happened, but I knew if I tried to defend myself that would only fuel them because they would see it got to me.

By ignoring it the tables have turned. Her sister is afraid of me and I am left alone to do my job. Once my ex found a replacement she discarded all the mutual friends she badmouthed me to. Eventually it really didn't matter who I was slandered to because none of these people hold a spot in my beautiful life.

If someone were to approach you from your child's school I'd keep it very generic. I wouldn't engage with them that she is "disordered" or try to explain anything because really, it's none of their business. I would just say, "That's unfortunate she feels the need to do that." and then change the subject to the kids.

If you act unaffected and she keeps slamming you, eventually she looks like the one with problems, not you.

I experienced this recently with my GF's ex who is Histronic. When they were a couple, I invited them into my social circle. My GF ex became friend with a gal I really thought would be my BFF someday, a really cool, nice gal.

Anyway, I didn't see this girl much for about a year. Recently she started hanging out with my GF and I at ballgames and social events. Slowly she started opening up to us and you wouldn't believe the BS she had been told about us and how we tormented my GF's ex.

This ex actually had sent my GF a letter once pretending to be me... .to give you an idea of the level of unstable behavior we are dealing with.

Anyways, long story short... .this girl is hanging out with us a lot now. The more time she spend with my GF's ex, the more she began to see wasn't adding up right. In fact, she finds this girl very "Fatal Attraction-ish".

Their true colors will ALWAYS show to the people who are worthy of your time. Know that, friend! Don't worry about defending your honor if you are honorable. You did nothing wrong and you own no one an apology or explanation in regards to your relationship. It doesn't concern them.

[Mutt]

Hi NewStart,

There’s something wrong with both of them if they’re passing along information to the kids. It’s speculative if he’s going to be the lightning rod for her drama. I wouldn’t worry about either of them.

Granted I would find it weird that people’s kept looking at a game. I would think that I’m looking too much into it and come back with a fresh perspective later on so that I can make a fair assessment. That being said.

How does she look like with her drama? How do the people that buy into her drama look like?

[NewStart]

Their true colors will ALWAYS show to the people who are worthy of your time. Know that, friend! Don't worry about defending your honor if you are honorable.

At my core I know this is true, but the waiting game is always difficult.  In an article I read about BPD and NPD smear campaigns they talked about "flying monkeys, minions and cheerleaders" as those individuals that the disordered recruit to do there smear campaign bidding for them and my ex seemed to be an absolute master recruiter! 

How does she look like with her drama? How do the people that buy into her drama look like?

I've really been no contact since June so I'm not really sure how she looks like in her drama and haven't really heard much... .the one piece I did hear was from our insurance agent when I called to get my auto insurance sorted out... .the agent was her long term agent before we met and the gal told me, "I don't know what her problem is but she was so angry, she started yelling at me to cancel your insurance and then got extremely upset with me when I told her I wouldn't just cancel your service?  I think that's the last I will choose to deal with her... .she was SO angry?"   

Maybe most of what I feel is speculation, however my gut has been pretty spot on to this point and I was witness first hand to how she destroyed her youngest daughters father.  I think here on this page it would IMPOSSIBLE to relate to you all how incredibly attractive, charming and manipulative this woman is, how many "flying monkeys, minions and cheerleaders" she has... .she is SO artful at painting herself the victim... .hell, I know as I fell for it despite all the red flags!

Time... .I have to trust time, trust that time will ultimately tell my story for me... .right?  I mean I have gone over and over and over it all so many times and it DID happen.

I hate the fact that I want it to blow up in her face again... .that I want people to see what I did... .it doesn't feel quite right wanting something bad to happen to another... .it feels selfish because I want it SO bad for my own vindication... .anyone else struggle with this?

Thanks,

NS

[Mutt]

Hi NewStart,

Time... .I have to trust time, trust that time will ultimately tell my story for me... .right?

The truth has a way of working itself out. Let things evolve on their own terms, don’t interfere with it.

I hate the fact that I want it to blow up in her face again... .that I want people to see what I did... .it doesn't feel quite right wanting something bad to happen to another... .it feels selfish because I want it SO bad for my own vindication... .anyone else struggle with this?

I think that it’s natural to feel that way when you go through some really difficult life events. My situation doesn’t match yours, I was angry at me ex because I felt abandoned and betrayed. With that in mind I wanted to show her that she’s not going phase and I will come back more resilient than before.

I chose to invest that energy in myself, I’ll show her that she’ll regret losing me and I will attract another woman that is going to treat me with dignity and respect.

I worked those feelings out in the gym, I just emptied whatever was in my head and I worked out for months and got buff. I’m with a woman ne that treats me nicely, we have a reciprocal relationship, we have emotional intimacy all things that I couldn’t experience with my ex.

My point is I showed her I won’t let our past affect me by becoming the best version of myself, investing in myself with self care, I chose to become stronger physically and mentally and working out in the gym allowed me to work those feelings but I got something back in return. It builds your self esteem, you’re stronger, you can handle stress better, you sleep better etc... .

[Wolfsocks]

I also felt helpless in the first few weeks. She spread lies everywhere... .she even tried to convince my father that I am a cruel adulteress. The twisted part was that I had kept the separation to myself because she had begged me not to tell anyone yet... .

It gets better though. Continue to live your life with integrity as another user has suggested. The people who are worth it will become suspicious over time when the smearing continues without you participating in the slightest.

[NewStart]

I worked those feelings out in the gym, I just emptied whatever was in my head and I worked out for months and got buff. I’m with a woman ne that treats me nicely, we have a reciprocal relationship, we have emotional intimacy all things that I couldn’t experience with my ex.

I think this is VERY sound advice and something I need to take to heart.  I was fit when I met my BPD/NPD 5 years or so ago and the activities I did were at the core of who I was, the core of my friend groups and relationships.  In the short few years we were together those things were slowly whittled out of my life, I was distanced from those friends, became weak, gained 15lbs and was drinking A LOT to cope.  It's been harder than I thought to get back to where I was before I met my ex as I had fallen so far and to add to that I stacked it on my mountain bike this past summer and broke my collarbone which has further delayed the process.  But, I'm healed now and have dropped about 7lbs and within the last month or so have started to feel a little of that old fitness level coming back again.  You are correct, it is amazing how fitness can translate to a much more positive self.

The people who are worth it will become suspicious over time when the smearing continues without you participating in the slightest.

I know there is SO much truth in your words above, but it's funny how the strong need I have to be loved that got me involved with a BPD/NPD in the first place is the very thing that keeps me trapped now that I am out.  It just dawned on me that the BPD/NPD use this as the very tool to hurt us by smearing us to so many... .I seek to be liked/loved by everyone, yet now walk into places where people suspect I'm something I'm not... .yeah, for me that really has a sting to it, but it's interesting to reflect on.  I guess the only way to "win" against this is to project that we don't care even though in my nature that's impossible... .I think I've read here before that the NON has to project complete indifference?

Thanks!

NS 

[EdR]

Hello! 

You're unfortunately definitely not the only one. And I really feel sorry for you. I know how hard it is and how helpless we actually are in these kind of situations.

I like your description of the flying monkeys etc... They NEED and USE those people as their antennas and "minions carrying out their orders".
I often referred to them as "her evil friends" in my specific situation.

Like I posted some days ago, they suddenly appeared at my work place. Which was extremely hard for me. Especially because it happened 5 to 6 weeks after our last form of communication.

Today a 'not so very close female friend' seemed to be annoyed. I asked her about it, but she replied with a remark about my friendship with this BPD girl. I was shocked and devastated. Who told her this BS? And what the hell has she been telling her exactly?

You know... .the main problem for me is the saying "where there's smoke, there's fire".
Regardless of our integrity, some people will always believe their story to a certain extent.

I feel that's extremely difficult.

[NewStart]

Hey EdR,

Sorry to hear that you're struggling with the same feelings, I don't find them easy to compartmentalize either.

You know... .the main problem for me is the saying "where there's smoke, there's fire".
Regardless of our integrity, some people will always believe their story to a certain extent.

Wow, I think you're spot on!  I feel that in my community filled with a bunch of upper middle class families with stay home moms her story will always resonate with people that will see no deeper than her good looks, the whispered stories (smears) of her rumored abuse... .oh that poor girl, and her children... .NewStart must be a monster... .I guess Karma got him and he deserved to lose everything... .

Yeah... .it feels there will always be some sting to it... .

NS