I would venture a guess that a great number of us have been through similar situations, I know that I did.

What are you doing when she does that?

Is she aware of any of that? We cannot forget that pwBPD are very accustomed to reading emotions and non-verbal cues.

Or, are you keeping things like and cheery?

Yes. Did almost 1½ years with a possible wifeBPD. Shortly after she broke up with me abruptly from nowhere about 6 weeks ago (she wasn't in love with me anymore, I made her feel unhappy and I didn't respect her). I got devalued and painted black in a matter of minutes. I contacted her shortly after she moved out in the morning but she was extremly mad so she just argued when I was trying to talk sense into her. Blamed me for her feeling like crap.

This was the second breakup we've been through, although the first one (happened this spring) I kind of deserved. Of course there have been many of those "micro breakups" that lasts like half a day or a whole day. I don't count them in.

Anyway. Later she blocked me everywhere, except e-mail I think. I still tried to reach out to her a handfull of occasions but never got a response. I made a new account on a social media maybe a week ago to ask her what I should do with her stuff and that I could drive it home to her and put on her stairway (a TV and some other stuff). She later actually answered and told me I could throw it all away, and told me to respect her will in that she doesn't want me to contact her. So yes, she's doing the NC against me. I don't like to play games but I regret I didn't go NC myself right after she moved out.

This can be a form of protection for themselves as they truly believe we've the reason for causing their anxiety and emptiness right now when we are painted black. The only thing one can do really is to get back on your feet and move forward. There's a chance the exBPD will try to contact you/get back together but one can never count on it. Move forward and another tip is to don't drink as much as I'm doing to cope with this hell.

Oh yeah. She also claims I have been "emotionally abusive" to her the whole relationship aswell. This is kind of heartbreaking for me to hear, I never cared about or loved a person this much before. I've always tried to be there for her and help her even if I'm not a saint. I've always put her first and saw her as my soul mate.

All this after an email on Monday exclaiming how I'd invaded her privacy and acted abusively towards her as well as her want to speed up the house sale process... .arrrrggggg

So... .here's the history numbers are age

14-18 - long term boyfriend, cheated on him all the time, massive public rage, hitting and self harm
18 - meets me
18-25 - public rage, huge mood swings. Behaved better when on combined pill. Had a period of time on the mini pill (progesterone only) and was frankly near suicidal. Constantly accusing me of affair probably because that's what she was doing. Abused booze a lot, was a big pot smoker up till 2000 as well. Married at 21 (year 2001), first 3 years a nightmare constant abandonment fears and would go ape every time I suggested going for a drink with colleagues after work. Left me in 2003 after lots of anger from me, I totally lost it due to constant push pull and disappointment marriage was a joke. Constantly telling me I was a bad husband.
25 -28 came back and did alpha Christian course. Good but arms length relationship
28 - (2007) left me again for not apparent reason, went to counselling and then approached her mum and dad about emotional abuse when she was younger (their reaction was "I have no idea what you're talking about", I have seen mum in action and it's BPD through and through... .father has his head in the sand and stays out of it... .ignores).
29-34 - she comes back, we have 3 girls now 9/7/4, things pretty settled and o think she got what she wanted. She was very demanding and always a bit of a victim but on the whole probably calmer than me whom was suffering with a lot of anxiety holding things together, isolated from mates and family to an extent, relationship was better though.
35-38 - diagnosed with early onset menopause, stopped taking the pill as I had a vasectomy, I became bad husband again, argued more as she was saying one thing and doing another, she was a stay at home mum but didn't really take her role seriously whilst I was getting up and out at 5am and back at 7pm. Couldn't keep to any type of sensible budget and didn't want to take responsibility for anything. Had an emotional/physical affair whilst ironically becoming more and spiritual. Became more and more paranoid after the death of my father where I became emotionally unavailable and suffering depression about dad and general existence. Emotional affair kinda continuing, I was kicked out for 3m under the banner of me being abisive (I wasn't, I was just calling her out on the bad behaviour and general irresponsible attitude). Moved back in and she called for a divorce in mar17. She called the lawyers in oct after making a police report about me stalking and accessesing communications, mainly to find out what was going on with the affair.

We have suspected moods come from hormones for years, however I disagree. Hormones are contributory to the issue. They are a factor. The add to the emotions and get her closer to dysregulation. BPD is always there. I see BPD like a glass... .you add water (emotions), that could be work stress, kid stress, holiday stress, childhood trauma (that's always present and fills half the glass)... .and hormonal stress. Not all these factors make you dysregule, BUT added together into the glass and they overflow, this is the point of dysregulation. The same result could be achieved through any combination of factors... .grief for example. But when it spills over the result is the same and the maladapted coping mechanisms are the same... .men... .drink... .pushing people away. So yes, I agree hormones and peri-menopause are definitely factors, but they are factors, not the underlying issue.

Incidentally she's gone on the coil, a progesterone only slow drip feed, possibly the worst thing she could have done given her experience in 98-99.

I discovered BPD in April and cried a lot. She doesn't accept and has no awareness of her behaviour, but then neither does her mother

The underlying issue could definitely be BPD, by reading about her history that you wrote, this would be my guess. But as you say, and her age, the hormones might be a huge factor that adds fuel to the fire. You've been with her for so many years so you could easily tell when her mood got worse (it was worse before I know, but when the hormones started to become in imbalance).

Why I am adressing this issue is because my ex girlfriend (with BPD'traits) stopped taking her combined birth-control pills I saw a huge worsening in her symptoms. She's only 25 years old, but it doesn't matter, what matters is the change in sex hormones and the imbalance, which triggers BPD traits.

A female in menopaus needs both supplement of progesteron, and estrogen. High estrogen will lower progesteron, and high progesteron will lower estrogen. You need both these hormones to be at their equilibrium.

But, we can conclude that our "conclusion" problably is right. Would this change anything? How can you take this conclusion and help her? Even if she fixes her hormones, she needs therapy (DBT) in order to cope with her BPD and live a manageable life. If she has painted you black she won't listen to this, it will be nonsense to her and she will feel like you're only out to get her. What does she think about this, have she thought about her symptoms getting worse due to hormonal imbalances?

Let me hit you up with two studies aswell, which make our theory even more interesting:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4516641/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2700629/

Her level of paranoia at the moment is off the charts. Even the smallest detail of her life like me knowing she was on a course today (which she told me) she was freaked out how I knew. Every little detail I know about her is as though I can see into her mind or I have a tracking device on her. I know I've done my fair share of snooping but not enough to warrant this level of freak out. There's nothing I can do to reduce the emotional extreme she seems to want to hug. It's insane... .I suppose literally.

Thank you. I have been taking up this hormonal imbalances-thing and how it effects BPD recently but the mods didn't really seem interested. But it is a great factor into triggering BPD-behaviour. We got two studies here too prove it. We got you guys here with menospaus-females. We need more guys like me with BPD's that quitted the pills and had their hormones f*cked up.

What do you mean that you can't do anything and then saying you can stop doing testosteron? I get non of this? What would you stepping of TRT do? Are you horny and she doesn't want to have sex, and this is a major impact?

What BPD's say is mostly BLACK/WHITE but it has some sort of reasoning in it when you think about it. The problem is they portray things you did or how you acted as a FULL PICTURE - if, painted black. We NON's are never perfect, nor will we ever be. We've made mistakes in our relationships, and how couldn't we? We walked on egg-shells for most of the time. But, learning about BPD, understanding it, it will prevent the rollercoaster from getting to misery at times.

I believe there is something in the hormonal trigger theory for sure... .BUT, just that hormonal changes change emotions and can change emotions a lot, and since this is a disorder that inhibits and individuals ability to control changes in emotions (especially negative ones) ANYTHING that changes emotions is going to be a BPD trait trigger. It's just that in this case we can't see or hear the input and it's their own bodies (or I suppose contraceptive as well) that is creating the emotional volatility. Anything that acts to add to the emotional cup and get peBPD to the point of overflowing dysregulation is contributory.

Barnowl, is your wife aware of her behaviour? I only ask because my wife has been living with her behaviours (and the destruction around her) for some 25 years... .if not 30+yrs... .so it is her normal, so the ability to reason with it or for her to serious identify that her behaviour is not in the bands of normal isn't there... .pretty much she has no idea at all and doesn't even identify apart from when she goes seriously off the Richter scale in which case it's blamed on environmental impacts... .i.e. Me!

I totally sympathise with that and in turn that impacts the type of advice she receives from her family and friends. Re the kids, read up that, being emotionally unavailable or even invalidating is damaging to children, do you ever get the sense that there's 2 children having a fight when your children and wife are having a disagreement? Monitor that situation... .I'm not saying wade in but you may well want to coach your children that parents don't always act imprecably and they often let themselves down by saying and acting inappropriately. Maybe you do this by asking your kids if you thought "that" was fair.

When your wife is raging at you, try and depersonalise it, although it's about you, it's not about you. Funnily enough, this is what you will need to teach your children else they could be as damaged as your wife, taking onboard what your wife might say to them.

The isolation of the emotional beatings only occurring behind closed doors is tough, I totally feel your pain.

Her yelling at you is not cool, but it's not the be all and end all with regards to child development. I'm trying to get a handle on whether or not your wife has always had BPD traits or just after the op. This might go some way to explain why you have compliant children in as much as they would have no doubt grown up in a consistent caring environment with consistent firm boundaries. As I mentioned before, my wife has always had traits of BPD ever since her teenage years. An example of how this might play out is that one day she will be suggesting that D7 should do more exercise even though she is not at all fat or unhealthy and the next day she will allow her lots of sweets. Says one thing and does another but cannot see the relationship between the 2 things. Goes upstairs to get ready for 1.5hrs and says "be ready for when we need to go out", comes down 30 seconds before she's supposed to go out and wonders why no one is ready "for her".

What's with the infidelity? I can understand how that can freak anyone out, even from a perspective of being unfaithful is an emotional rollercoaster.

Understanding that there are reasons behind another's behavior can be somewhat comforting, but doesn't actually do a lot of good. What is truly important is how we manage ourselves when we encounter the behaviors.

There is a lot of rumination going on in this thread, but what are you doing to change your responses (and not being reactive) to the behaviors? That's really where the focus needs to be in those are the only things that you have control over.

Then, you need to know what works in the long-term and not just how to deal with the things immediately in front of you. Things like communication skills, defining and maintaining healthy boundaries, accepting what you can and cannot control, detaching with love, and all of the other do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship.

Observe her choices and actions that are not responsive to your choices and actions is far less important than observing your own. You have zero control over what she is going to do, so focusing on yourself is the better plan.

Let's say that we were 100% certain, doctor diagnosed that she is BPD and a hormonal imbalance is in play. She decides to do nothing about it. That still leaves you with the very same options: how you are going to act and what you are going to choose.

Does that make sense?