Why is he pushing my boundaries? Need advice please.

[undercover hurt]

Please help me to understand. My soon to be x husband with uBPD stops home when I tell him not to. We are currently going through divorce and I stay in the house while he is staying with his dad. He recently sent me an email which i previously posted on this site. Long story short, I responded to the email but was very adamant about him needing to pay his bills (he hasn't). In the email reply to him I also said that I was moving on and that he had hurt me and that I would find someone whom would be faithful and treat me better.
While I have been living in our house, he tends to come by when I am at work so he can grab some of his stuff. Previously I expressed my displeasure about him coming by and invading my privacy. He didn't come by for awhile, but now I found out he came by today leaving some of his crap on the counter in which I saw when I got home from work. I am furious!
I guess my question is why does he continue to do this even though he knows it infuriates me? Previously I even let him come by one time while I was at work to grab some stuff, and the only reason I was okay with it was because I was given notice for it and agreed beforehand. But the next day after that agreed upon date, he busted our back screen door lock to get in again when I was at work.
Please someone explain why he can't just leave me alone in peace and respect my boundaries. I am trying so hard to get over all the hurt he caused me in our marriage (he cheated, but won't admit it). Why does he keep messing with my sanity and invading my privacy?

[ateu]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

I have not been to the exact same situation, but I would say "pushing my boundaries" was my ex's modus operandi. So I guess it just continues after your breakup/divorce.

Did he use to behave like this? I know my ex did. We would set up a deal - he would break it. I would call him out on it - he always had some excuse (I needed to because of x or y or whatever).

In the beginning of our relationship, I felt really bad that he disrespected my boundaries so much, but with time, sadly enough, I got used to it.

He even asked me to marry me, he wanted to buy the rings, and I told him I am not the type to get marry and even if I was it was not that time for us, because of our problems. He went on to call me his "fiance" to his friends.

I really think it's about not really respecting others boundaries no matter what it is. They have to have it their way.

Same thing when his friends complained to him about something he does, "they are exaggerating, it's fine".

That's just my experience, I have felt like I have been erased from "our" relationship long before we broke up. It was all about his need.

He always asked me for expensive gifts for his birthday, which silly enough I bought. We were together for 3 years and more. Do you think I ever got something for my birthday? Hah... .no.

He even bought gifts to others (for my money btw), "they have really been there for me". And when I asked him, "what about me? Can't you even buy a bag of chocolates from the supermarket for my birthday? Even for my own money?". He thought I was to fixated on material things, on money: "You only care about money, I can see that"... .Jeeeeeez. Can't believe I put up with it.

I just think that once they think they have us "hooked", they don't give a damn anymore, it's their way only, in every aspect. Maybe that is what's still keep showing up after you broke up.

BTW, my ex also cheated and won't admit it. He also replaced me within a week or possibly even when we were still together, and won't admit it (I've seen it all on social media, so it's ridiculous, really... .)

They are not sane, so I guess we can't expect sane behavoir. We just need to move on, and be as good persons as we can.

You are not alone in this, chin up and keep posting!

[Mutt]

Hi undercover hurt,



I can understand that it’s an invasion of privacy when someone trampled your boundaries and invite themselves in your personal space. A pwBPD have little to no boundaries on themselves. If he lacks boundaries on himself, he has a poor understanding of others.

Boundaries in simple terms is keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. You can’t set a boundary on someone else, you have to set the boundary on yourself. If he responds with Y then I respond with X.

With that being said, he’s been disrespectful of your boundaries a couple of times, you have communicated this to him, it’s not likely that he’s going to respect your boundary if you tell him again. I’d suggest the next step with defending your boundaries is changing the locks.