Setting boundaries as a co-dependent

[AussieBrit]

Hi there. This is my second post. My first I wrote a few weeks ago during a particularly tough day/week when I was feeling incredibly low and disconnected. Today I am feeling better, if not strong exactly, and want to share my experiences in a more structured way. I hope that some context to will help make my questions make more sense.

I have been with my SO for 7 months. Early on we joked about being in an Accelerated Relationship Program (the ARP), we fell in love very quickly, I had never met someone who made me feel so good. I had also thought the idea of sparks when you meet someone was something from the books and movies. I expect most of you who read this will have experienced the same thing. We have since made lots of big life decisions such as moving in together after 2 months and deciding to move to the UK to work and travel.

In the beginning my SO was excited by the idea that I had no connections to her in anyway. We are from different countries, I am not a cop as she is, I didn't know anyone she knows. She was excited at the idea of having a clean slate and not knowing about my history. I thought it strange at the time as to why that would be. 7 months later it's easy to see why she was.

Fast forward 4-5 months and I am going to some of my SO's therapy sessions to support her with her depression and try to understand how I might be able to help. It was something she really appreciated. It was during the last of the 2 sessions I attended that we learnt of BPD. Her therapist it turns out is an expert, I think hearing things from my perspective helped him clarify in his mind what my SO is struggling with.

The diagnosis has been a blessing and a curse. I started reading "stop walking on eggshells". The relief  felt reading the first few pages was immense. Since the diagnosis my SO has finished work due to stress  and is struggling with serious depression as well. The depressions makes everything hard for her, getting out of bed or leaving the house is a mountain to climb.

Now where we struggle the most with our relationship is my SO's insecurities about people in my life. I rarely find that my SO is triggered my day to day things, what triggers her is my friendships. I have distanced myself from a lot of people in the last few months, not people I thought would be in my life forever but it's a hard thing to just cut ties, go silent and walk away with no explanation. I am afraid because I can feel it happening with literally anyone in my life or my SO's for that matter, she has very few long term friends.

My real challenge is this. I struggle with boundaries, setting them and holding them. I have co-dependency as is common by the looks of what I have read, my therapist has told me my childhood was very abusive and potentially my mother had BPD too. Because my partner and I learned of BPD together and have read much of the same information she calls me out on setting boundaries, I am shutting down and leaving her to deal with everything so I obviously don't care. I coming to understand the theory of validating feelings and I am working hard on trying to improve the way I communicate to avoid making things worse. My therapist has also been very encouraging in saying how quickly I have understood a lot of complex issues and theories which I am proud of. Where I lose myself is when I am in front of my SO, everything moves so quickly, the accusations come one after the other in rapid fire and. Trying to step back from a situation in a calm and validating way usually provokes a stronger reaction, recently my SO tried to harm herself which was the first time with me. I was terrified.

I guess I would really like to hear from anyone about how best to remain in control of myself and not lose sight of who I am, my values, where I start and where I finish and at the same time am not dismissive or invalidating. Fear , Obligation and Guilt is what I see as my main struggle when my SO splits. I know this takes practice and the balance is fine so I look forward to hearing from some of you.

Thanks  

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi AussieBrit, thank you for sharing. You're facing the dual discovery of your SO's BPD and your own co-dependency issues, and being in same boat as you right now I understand how hard and scary that can be (you can read my own thread on the topic here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317634.0). Here are my suggestions from what I've learned so far:

1) Be aware and take care of your own pain: as co-dependents I think we tend to smother / ignore our own pain to accomoddate the pain of our SO. I didn't realize how much pain I was carrying around with me every day, all of the anger and fear until I let myself cry / silent scream in the shower. It was a real release and showed me just how much I had pent up inside. 

2) Set boundaries: you will need to tell your SO very clearly what you can and cannot do. Ex - You cannot give up your friends, because that would be giving up your own life. You can, however, not give her any pressure to interact with them herself or join gatherings. She might not accept it at first, but if we don't set boundaries, the relationship will not get better. I say this as someone who cut ties with most of my family last year and am right now finally getting up the courage to reconnect, regardless of her reaction.

3) Try self-compassion instead of guilt: Don't buy into her black and white view of things that set you as the perpetrator of all of the injustices she's faced. That doesn't mean you don't necessarily have some responsibility in your relationship problems, but its not all you. Guilt gets us nowhere; self compassion gives us the strength to see things clearly and solve problems instead of ruminating on what's already been done.     

I hope this helps.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, AussieBrit

I'm glad you came back. It's amazing how many similarities we find dealing with this, even though each person is different.

My best advice is to be patient. We had all our childhood and teens and... .well life in general to learn paterns and tools to deal with people. All that changes dealing with someone with BPD, it is like learning a new language, only harder. You learn some words and some expressions and you can feel happy you are starting to get it. But to be proficient you need a lot of time and test your abilities in the field.

Dealing with a person that is highly emotional, we need to be super-wise sometimes, like a budha... .And we are just not. We are humans. We have emotions too. And even when we understand the theory, and we are capable of reacting the right way... .We are not always ready to do that. We are emotional too, only we get used to not take that into account. And that's not fair.

My own SO tells me that I can't avoid her turning angry. So I might as well do as I please, because even if I was perfect, she would think I'm an ashole every other day. Sometimes it takes just that. "If I do this, she's gonna be mad... .Well, I'm gonna do it just the same". That is, things inside what is reasonable and "good". Keeping your friends is reasonable and good, so you have to try to do it, no matter what she says about it. She is the one that needs to learn to live with reality, you don't have to change reality for her.

Yeah, if you read my posts you could tell me : "But you don't do that!" I know. But that's the goal. Then you are allowed to fail, you are allowed to not be perfect. And life goes on.

Having that goal, we can soften the blow. We can validate her feelings and adknoledge her insecurity and the difficulty to letting us go, and reassure her that you are not leaving her.

RolandOfEld says some very valuable things there. We are all in the same boat and everyday I learn something from someone here.

Does she get upset by female friends or all kinds?

Best of luck.

[Wanda]

 i love  my boundaries. when you make boundaries  make sure you follow though with them, make only ones you can do
like i made one long ago you drive crazy road rage i don't ride with you for two week my husband use to road rage bad. that took two time to follow through with my  boundaries and his road rage stopped. boundaries are for you... thats why i love them.   finding out about BPD was also such a releif like a boulder off my shoulder but he is undiagnosed due to him refusing a problem . so my life went on learning what i can the skill and tools were a must for me now 20 year later things are better.

[heartandwhole]

Hi AussieBrit,

Welcome to the community! I'm glad you have returned to share some more of your discoveries since learning of your partner's diagnosis. That is a lot to take in at once, for both of you. I commend you for your efforts to validate and work on things together. It's not easy and there will be challenging times, but the journey is well worth it, in my opinion.

I'd like to echo RolandofElf's advice. You are the most important element in your happiness, so turning the lens back toward ourselves and our needs, after so much time supporting others emotionally, can be difficult. That has been my experience, because growing up, I learned to take care of others' emotions so that I would feel safe and cared for.

Boundaries can be tricky, especially when loved ones prefer the previous dynamic. There may be growing pains, but taking the time to contemplate and communicate your values is a very beneficial exercise in my experience. So many of us aren't aware of what we really need or want. I think the most important thing to remember about boundaries, as Wanda and others have mentioned, is that they are for you and about you—what is in and out of bounds for you in your relationship. It can be tempting to believe that their purpose is to control another person's behavior, but that isn't the case.

As JoeBPD81 has mentioned, self-compassion is very important in these kinds of relationships. And taking care of your needs. That usually includes supportive relationships outside of your relationship with your partner. She may always prefer that you not have other relationships, but if they are important to your wellbeing, then I recommend communicating that to her and assuring her that your dedication to the relationship is as strong as ever, even with other friends and family as part of your life.

What kind of success have you had in using validating, empathic communication, AussieBrit?

heartandwhole

[ElinorD]

It's great you're realizing this so early in your relationship. I've been married two decades and I'm only now realizing how codependent I am and that he's BPD. We've had this whole dynamic where I've felt sorry for his bad childhood and I've tiptoed around trying not to make him mad or insecure. I've finally learned I have to let go of trying to control his feelings - which is very, very hard.

Whatever you do, keep other people in your life. Otherwise you lose touch with reality.

[AussieBrit]

Thank you all! Every response is so helpful.
At the moment I don’t have much time or space to reply in-depth and some of you have asked some questions which I want to reply to.
I’m wondering if I should tell my SO I am part of this community? Any thoughts? Sometimes she feels I am secretive with my phone. Sometimes I am because I do not feel safe to use it. She becomes paranoid about who I might be talking to and why.
I suppose I have to accept that my SO will be triggered by many things potentially for years to come so having that fear and guilt control my behaviors isn’t healthy for either of us.

Please keep an eye on this thread as I would like to respond to you all properly. I have been reading other threads that you have all contributed to and I look forward to getting to know you all.

[heartandwhole]

I’m wondering if I should tell my SO I am part of this community? Any thoughts?

Personally, I would consider not mentioning it, or at least waiting. I can understand the discomfort of seeking support without her knowledge, especially since you are going to therapy sessions together, and she has been feeling paranoid about your connections outside of the relationship. 

It is perfectly okay for you to seek support for yourself, however. In fact, I recommend it. This is a safe and confidential place to learn how to take care of yourself. I know you are here in large part because of the behaviors you've experienced with your partner, but ultimately this journey is about you. 

Do you have regular times when you are alone that might be a good time to log in?

heartandwhole

[pearlsw]

Hi all, AussieBrit thanks for asking this question! heartandwhole, thanks for the reminder! Even I at times feel weird that my partner does not know about my presence here. I am so naturally honest, and it feels weird not to say anything, but safety first! thanks again!

[ElinorD]

I don't tell my husband - he would be furious. But I have to talk to someone about this.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi AussieBrit, personally I would strongly suggest against telling her. It was hard for me in the beginning to have my "private" space and this forum, but now I see we need privacy to be a whole person. My wife went into my email recently and found private things and for the first time I told her she couldn't do that. It was like reading my journal, or my thoughts. I also had a few therapy sessions over the phone during work that I didn't tell her about. This is not secrecy, this is individual privacy, and it's a big part of setting boundaries.

This weekend I came out of the bathroom to find my wife scrolling through the photos in my Facebook messenger (not the messages). I'm sure she was just looking for photos of our kids that she doesn't have, but she saw photos other friends had shared and asked "Who are you chatting with?" I told her and it was fine, but it felt wrong. I should have said I didn't like her doing that, but I wasn't up for a fight at 1 am that would turn into a 1-2 dysregulation session. Picking my battles one at a time, as it were.     

[JoeBPD81]

Before this forum, I was in another about anorexia, and it helped us a lot. When she was diagnosed with BPD, I searched for this, and registered.

I told her soon. I never told the name of the webs nor my user, but she knew I was here. She doesn't like the idea much. She gets that I need it and that it's good, but it makes her feel like a project, a social case. She thinks I just vent, and we all complain and get pats in the back about out "evil partners".

She is very suspicious with my time online, so I almost exclusively write at work.

If she was diabetic, I would learn to administrate the insulin shots, and she would get that is something good. With this disorder, distrust, shame, anger... .Everything makes it more difficult to help them. Even the concept of "I want to help you" is rejected by my SO. She doesn't want to be a victim, she doesn't want to need me, she doesn't want to ask for anything... .She is very generous about helping others, including me, and we've talked a lot about it being part of loving someone, naturaly you want to help them, do things for them. But when she is receiving, she can't take it.

She caught me smiling with pride once, because I was congratulated on my English (which is not my first language), and it felt good. She asked me, and I didn't want to lie, so I told her. She was mad and disgusted for a while. If she knew they've put a title on me, she would feel betrayed, even when I wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't to keep our family together.

Now this website is a very important part of my life. I'm part of a community, a team, a family... .But it's mostly a secret. It's a pitty, and it is frustrating that we are all rowing towards the same goal, but we can't tell and they can't trust us... .I haven't even talked once with her therapist, and I've offered multiple times. I always say and feel that there should be a way of all the fronts working in a coordinated way, not in secret, or conflict... .But I don't know how to achieve that.

You read stories written by people with BPD, and they say "I wish my family were supportive, I wish they knew about BPD, I wish they'd come with me to therapy... .It would have made a difference if they did... ." But then they don't take it that well. I've also read "I kept pushing him/her all the way, and fighting, but I wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for his/her support." So it's hard, but we have to find out if we are helping even if they tell us to go away and leave them alone.

We also have to understand how they feel insulted when it is us, the families, who get support, and sympathy, when they are the ones with the unbearable pain. Any of us would be uncomfortable, to say the list, if someone needed therapy or support in order to be ok with us.

Nothing easy on our path, it seems.