Hope ex-friend has found her peace

[SummerStorm]

I found out today that my ex-friend's boyfriend is moving in with her soon.  Of all the guys she's dated, he is the most normal, stable one, so I'm glad she's settling down with someone like that.  They first dated from September 2016-March 2017 but had to break up because she got a manager position where they worked together and was not allowed to date a co-worker who was below her in rank.  They remained close friends, and when she learned that she would be moving to a different location for work, she got back together with him.  They genuinely do share a lot of interests, and she gets along with his family, so maybe it will work out this time.

Living with someone has always been a big engulfment trigger for her, and it has also led to her two worst suicide attempts, so I do have some anxiety about that.  When she dated this guy the first time, they never lived together, so this will be something new. First and foremost, regardless of whether or not we are friends, I do care about her health and well-being, and in the past year or so, she has really worked hard to take better care of herself.  I want to see her continue to do that. 

I know that she obviously still has BPD, and there are still definitely signs of those traits being present (they have only been back together for just over two months and are already moving in together, she dated another guy when they were broken up and was really hung up on him and idealized him a lot, and she still paints people black and white), but I hope that she can really focus on making this relationship work.  She has a nice apartment now and has had a stable job, so that will help to eliminate some stress in her life. 

It does still hurt that she won't talk to me or at least email me and say, "I wish you the best.  Take care of yourself."  But maybe, I just remind her too much of her past, and she doesn't want to keep reliving that.  If that is the case, I do understand that.

I just emailed her and told her that I wish her all the best in life and that I'm proud of the things she's accomplished in her work and personal life.  I hope she does read it, even if she doesn't reply at all. 

[Pretty Woman]

You are a compassionate, caring friend, Summer Storm. Thank you for sharing this update. You know, I've been following your story since the beginning as you have been mine. 

I know it's hard not hearing the basic statements "" normal friends make to each other, the whole "I wish you the best, take care of yourself" but keep in mind this is a very selfish disorder. It has nothing to do with us, it's what's happening inside of them and it's so very one sided. That is the hardest part to come to terms with when you are a genuinely caring person. There are days I grapple with my ex, knowing she wishes me the absolute worst and thinks I am a monster. It hurts, it always will but I have learned to not internalize it. There is nothing I can do to make her think otherwise.

There is a point to your statement about not reliving the past. BPD's possess a lot of guilt. It's easier for them to cut off, or shut you off than feel that guilt which eats away at them emotionally, much more than it does a non-BPD.

Given your history with your ex friend it is very likely she will come around... .she always seems to. You just need to decide if this is a friendship worth continuing because it will always be like this... .she finds someone new and you get left in the dust.
And that really isn't fair to you.

My ex has a friend we will call "Jules". Jules is always there for my ex but my ex (behind her back) calls her names and says terrible stuff about her months into whatever new relationship she is in. The only time my ex considers Jules a "friend" is when she's trying to win over a new GF or when she begins to fight with that new girlfriend and needs someone to run to. All of a sudden this woman is her BFF and all these amazing stories are told about her. But ONLY, ONLY when she is trying to secure a new partner or needs someone to side with her in ripping this person to shreds.
Please note: Jules herself is a very broken person who is a diagnosed BPD.

My ex doesn't have friends, just enablers who are willing to be ignored for months at a time, sometimes years and will defend her when she needs them, but NEVER vice versa.

You likely will watch this new relationship play out like the others. Different timeline but they all seem to end the same way.

How are YOU doing, Summer Storm? What's happening in your life nowadays, besides your interaction with your ex?

[SummerStorm]

Given your history with your ex friend it is very likely she will come around... .she always seems to. You just need to decide if this is a friendship worth continuing because it will always be like this... .she finds someone new and you get left in the dust.
And that really isn't fair to you. 

I really don't see it happening this time.  It's been nearly five months, and other than a three word reply to a "Happy Thanksgiving" email I sent her, I've heard nothing.   I would at least like to be cordial with her, to at least be acquaintances.  We have been through a lot together, and it gives me comfort to at least hear from her and know she's alive and doing well.

My ex has a friend we will call "Jules". Jules is always there for my ex but my ex (behind her back) calls her names and says terrible stuff about her months into whatever new relationship she is in.

Perhaps the toughest thing has been that she really never trashes me.  I suppose she could say things about me to her friends, but I have never met them and don't plan on ever meeting them, so I really don't care.  But she never talks bad about me to her mom.  If she really hates someone, she will talk badly about the person to her mom.  All she has ever said to her is, "We aren't friends anymore."  Sometimes, I think it would be easier if she did hate me and trash my name. 

My ex doesn't have friends, just enablers who are willing to be ignored for months at a time, sometimes years and will defend her when she needs them, but NEVER vice versa. 

She has friends.  They aren't necessarily people I would hang out with, but she does have some close ones whom she hangs out with a lot.  Actually, one of them is also friends with her boyfriend, so they all hang out together.  And she's also friends with her friend's girlfriend.  Of course, they all came after her last suicide attempt, so they don't share the same history with her that I do. 

You likely will watch this new relationship play out like the others. Different timeline but they all seem to end the same way. 

It's definitely possible.  So far, they have made it through some events (birthdays, holidays, vacationing together) that have ended all of her previous relationships, but living together is an entirely different situation for any couple.

How are YOU doing, Summer Storm? What's happening in your life nowadays, besides your interaction with your ex?

Busy, mostly.  Two of my classes have their persuasive research paper due tomorrow by midnight, so I will be spending a lot of my time grading those so that they are all done before Christmas break starts.  But in general, the school year has been going well, and I like all of my students.  And I just bought my first DSLR camera, so I've been learning how to use it.  I have good days and bad days.  The holidays are always tough, so I'm definitely ready for 2018 to just get here already.  [/quote]