I feel like I don’t even exist when I’m in the room with her

[1Day@ATime]

So, I’ve never done this before but I’m confused and need support. I’m struggling w a spouse who appears to have borderline traits. I think the thing that first gave it away for me was when I packed my bags to stay at a hotel and she freaked out. I had no idea she even cared. Other symptoms include anger, jabs, and calling me names. When that continued I insisted that she go see a counselor which she did. Her therapist has done a great job helping her with her anger but she is now distracting herself with work and talking with everyone but me. I feel like I don’t even exist when I’m in the room with her. Furthermore, if there’s to be any relationship it’s up to me. I’ll reach out to hold her hand, ask her out on a date each week, write notes, etc. but will rarely see anything in return unless she sees I’m at my wits end. Then I’ll see notes on my car saying how much she loves me. Consequently, I find myself threatening or even going to hotels to see if there’s any part of her that still cares. Unfortunately, I don’t believe she can even see me through her shame and fear of not being enough. It’s been really bad over the last year since I’ve started setting boundaries. Now I don’t feel I even have a relationship. One area that frustrates me is when I’m at my wits end and get angry with her. It’s like she holds that over my head and blames me for her  withdrawal when she doesn’t realize she’s been withdrawn for weeks and I’ve finally had it. I feel like the only way to win is to be perfect yet also know that even if that we’re possible it still wouldn’t make a difference. Probably because the real problem isn’t with me as much as it is with how she feels about herself, right? So that’s where I’m at. Can anyone validate me? I feel like I’m so alone in this and am trying to keep myself occupied with new hobbies like painting and learning the piano so I don’t go crazy. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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[ynwa]

1Day@ATime, welcome to the board.   It sounds like you are honestly invested and are trying to cope with something that is pretty hard to understand, let alone "make better". 
 
It does sound like you are having a tough time reaching her and when you do it does not end well?  I would suggest posting more here or with someone you can talk to and just "vent".   It is really tough to connect with someone when you are yourself full of a lot of ideas and emotions.  Does that make sense?  Even if you have the best of intentions, your intention to work on things, and validate how she is feeling can be miscontrued.  Validation is best when you just let yourself go, and let the other person just talk.  It is not about you, not in that moment. 

Dealing with someone with even the lightest of traits of BPD, can make things that seems simple in your head, just get turned around when you say them out loud.

There are some tools to the right >> >  some great notes and explanations that help.  Add to that a lot of people here that really understand what it is like, and know that just letting it out can help.  Say anything you want.

Setting and keeping boundaries are a great start.  You are not alone.  not at all.  And its great that you are talking time to yourself and working on things that are about YOU. 

[1Day@ATime]

Thanks for the response. I’ll spend some time checking out the tools you referred me to.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi 1Day@ATime,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has been so rocky. It sounds like your W may be experiencing a Fear of Engulfment which is common push/pull behavior in BPD.

YOu mentioned that you were trying to set some boundaries. Could you share what some of those boundaries are and how you are practicing them?