Co-Parenting Support Needed

[Maximus20]

High-functioning (invisible) BPD husband, who does not think he has a problem (and has not been diagnosed, but meets 7 of the 9 DSM IV criteria for BPD), routinely targets and projects onto our 10 year old son his anxiety and fears through anger, controlling, yelling, name-calling, blaming, etc.  What can I do when it happens to protect our son? 

And, later, how can I validate my son's and (8 year old) daughter's usually accurate feelings and interpretation of the event, in a way that children can understand, without explaining that their father likely suffers from an illness (as they will likely repeat that back to their father at some point - causing an abusive reaction from him to both them and me)?

[scraps66]

One good book on validation, "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better.""

[Turkish]

What are your kids' interpretation of the events? It sounds like S8 is more a target,  yes? Any idea why?

[takingandsending]

Hi Maximus20 and Welcome to bpdfamily.

It feels really bad watching your partner verbally, emotionally attack or manipulate your child. It can definitely create a lot of anxiety for you, the one reasoning, adult parent when your husband is dysregulating. And, as you noted, validating your kids' experience is really necessary and helpful after such events. Relating your own experiences in the form of telling stories is one non-threatening way to validate your kids. Certainly, explaining that dad is not healthy will, even if you chose to do it, rationalize his behavior, which is particularly helpful to your kids anyway. I had to learn that the hard way.

My biggest suggestion is don't try to make sense of a situation that doesn't make sense to them. Ask validating questions, like "It's confusing when someone we love yells at us. How do you feel when that happens?" Or "No one likes to feel blamed. What are you thinking when it feels like dad or I are blaming you for something?" Whatever they say or feel, just let them know that what they are feeling is okay and you understand.

But, getting more skilled at picking up the pieces after the blow up is not my recommendation, here. What sorts of things are you trying at the point of the blow up or just prior to the escalation? My xw went after my S12 pretty regularly - sometimes he expressed anger or upset (and yes, blame, too) that she could not handle, or sometimes she initiated the complaints. At some point, when I knew about her undiagnosed condition, I could no longer let it continue. As the only rational adult during a dysregulation, I would step between them, acknowledge my xw's discomfort/upset, and advise that I was taking S12 until things were more calm. I can't say that it improved anything between me and my xw, but it minimized the harm done to S12. I could no longer idly stand by and watch him get berated or blamed and then try to pick up the pieces afterwards. My therapist even advised me that, as the only adult in the room, it was my responsibility to tend to the children first. This should be obvious, but when you have been living on eggshells for such a long time, your sense of normality gets warped.

If you are not already doing so, do you think you could create a boundary around abusive talk to the children, i.e. when it begins, you will take kids and yourself for a walk, to the park, for a drive? Is your husband stable enough that he will not become violent?

I know how tough a spot you are in. Wishing you strength and courage. It's clear that you already care about your children and want to help them through this. How is your support system? Are you able to talk to anyone about what is going on - family or friends or therapist?

[Maximus20]

Thank you all so much for your input and advice.  It's so encouraging to talk to people who have experienced what I have.

Turkish - I think the reason he targets S10 is because subconsciously he competes with him.  S10 is strong-willed and opinionated and does a valiant job trying to hold his own boundaries with his dad, which dad interprets as disrespectful.

Takingandgiving - thank you for the great advice.  When it escalates, I usually step in, which at least redirects the rage from my son to me, and is usually responded to by husband that I'm undermining his parenting and that our son 'doesn't need a defense attorney'.  I used to become fearful and insert myself aggressively, telling him that he was out of line, which of course escalated the attack.  Over the past year, I've inserted myself more quietly - sitting next to son and holding his hand while dad lectured him, or, if verbal attack is really bad, I will take kids by hands and escort them out the door, telling dad that we will be back when he's calmed down.  I usually get berated upon return, and he lashes out and me and S10 for days after for unrelated issues but that are clearly driven by my response to the last incident.

I have a therapist, as well as friends and family that I can talk to, and a Nanny that can take/babysit the kids when necessary.  But no family living close by.  That said, I, personally feel on pretty solid footing.  I can now see his behavior as part of an illness that can't be reasoned with, and I no longer take personally what he says.  But I don't know how handle him when he goes at the kids.  They don't really know what I know.  However, they definitely experience him as difficult, and can sometimes differentiate themselves from him, understanding that his behavior is overreactive and not about them.

He doesn't acknowledge that his behavior is extreme, so discussions around boundaries are spurious.  He thinks we just have different parenting styles and that I am trying to control him because I disagree with his approach (which is perfectly acceptable and more effective, in his mind).  I'm better able to reason with and explain boundaries to my kids, but I'm just not sure what exactly to say to them.  Your advice for what to say after an incident is great.  What should i tell them about how to handle it when dad criticizes, controls or rages at them?

thank you again for your advice.