Struggles in counseling

[See Rainbows]

Hi guys - Been seeing BPD like symptoms for 5 years with husband, hoping to get him evaluated for BPD. He just started seeing an OCD specialized counselor (not MD) because his OCD issues are severe right now. I went with him on the first session and I mentioned he has symptoms of BPD, she instantly said she doesn't think he has that. Didn't do an eval to diagnose, just talked with us and instantly judged within the first hour. I didn't argue with her, told my husband later to stick to OCD issues with her as she doesn't sound qualified or experienced with BPD. Not trained in DBT either. Oh and she also claimed something untrue about my hometown and she's never even visited my town before! So it makes me think she's just another counselor who thinks she is all-knowing God.

He went to his second session with her today, I did not go. He brought up BPD, again she told him he doesn't have BPD. I asked what tools she provided to deal with the OCD?  He says they just talk about everything including me and our relationship problems and hasn't talked much about tools yet for OCD. Then he starts exploding on me and "Mr. Hyde" shows up raging at me for asking questions about it and having concern over whether this counselor is the best fit. I stayed calm, tried SET, didnt work, he just kept focusing on me and criticizing me, so I took a break and went to other room. We are paying out of network for this OCD specialist $150 each time and it's frustrating that he comes home worse after his session with barely any OCD tools and now believes he may NOT have BPD because this OCD counselor thinks so, her opinion trumps the last 12 years of experience I've had with him! 

Anyone else deal with counselors like this?   *Feeling less hopeful*

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

One of my favorites was... ." I don't like to put "labels" on people.  It seems as though you do though."  My PD raged on her after 6 sessions and we never went back.  Just would love to see her tell MY pwPD doesn't have BPD!  The T was shaking in her seat after the rage and didn't speak so I just left too.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, See Rainbows &  

I'm really sorry about all of this! It's really frustrating when you have a good handle on knowing what is going on with your BPD loved one, and then being unable to secure the correct Therapy for them... .Was your Husband ever diagnosed by a Therapist (Dr., Psych, etc.)? Is this Therapist the first one he has ever seen? Does he actually like her?

There may be a chance that if he keeps seeing her for his OCD that she may see other signs of a Personality Disorder and then treat him for that, too. Is your Husband open to seeing someone else if this doesn't work out? Was he at some point accepting your hunch that he had BPD, but now disavowing it because of this Therapist?

Most of us on this site have found that telling our loved ones of our own suspicions of their BPD isn't really something that is helpful; we read the Lessons for Members Staying and Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and apply what we learn to our relationships with our BPD loved ones without them ever even knowing what our thoughts are regarding BPD.

What I might suggest for you to do right now is to learn the communication tools and techniques that have helped so many of us navigate our relationships (if you haven't already), read every link to the right-hand side of this page, and keep reading all you can on this site. And tell us more of your situation so we can help... .Because in the end, the only person you can really change is yourself anyway; and I have found that once that happened to me, every one of my relationships with my BPD loved ones got better. Tell us more of your story, See Rainbows... .We really want to help  

 

[See Rainbows]

One of my favorites was... ." I don't like to put "labels" on people.  It seems as though you do though."  My PD raged on her after 6 sessions and we never went back.  Just would love to see her tell MY pwPD doesn't have BPD!  The T was shaking in her seat after the rage and didn't speak so I just left too.

I hear ya Bruce, I guess that T really got a taste of her then!  His OCD T said that if he had BPD he wouldn't be able to function and would be mad ALL the time. Since he could hold it together in her office, he didn't have BPD.  

[See Rainbows]

Hello, See Rainbows &  

I'm really sorry about all of this! It's really frustrating when you have a good handle on knowing what is going on with your BPD loved one, and then being unable to secure the correct Therapy for them... .Was your Husband ever diagnosed by a Therapist (Dr., Psych, etc.)? Is this Therapist the first one he has ever seen? Does he actually like her?

There may be a chance that if he keeps seeing her for his OCD that she may see other signs of a Personality Disorder and then treat him for that, too. Is your Husband open to seeing someone else if this doesn't work out? Was he at some point accepting your hunch that he had BPD, but now disavowing it because of this Therapist?

Most of us on this site have found that telling our loved ones of our own suspicions of their BPD isn't really something that is helpful; we read the Lessons for Members Staying and Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and apply what we learn to our relationships with our BPD loved ones without them ever even knowing what our thoughts are regarding BPD.

What I might suggest for you to do right now is to learn the communication tools and techniques that have helped so many of us navigate our relationships (if you haven't already), read every link to the right-hand side of this page, and keep reading all you can on this site. And tell us more of your situation so we can help... .Because in the end, the only person you can really change is yourself anyway; and I have found that once that happened to me, every one of my relationships with my BPD loved ones got better. Tell us more of your story, See Rainbows... .We really want to help  

Hi Rapt Reader, thanks for your response. My DH was dx with anxiety, depression, and OCD. Not BPD yet, working on that now. Found a DBT therapist and he has an appt for tomorrow, but now he's angry and says he's not going. He did read up on BPD and said in the past that it sounded like him. I don't feel I'm forcing the label upon him, but I admit I do bring up BPD during arguing sometimes. Although I've really only figured out his symptoms may be BPD within the past month.

It frustrates me when counselors don't stick to their specialty and offer unwanted opinions on other topics. He's not sure how he feels about this T yet, only been 2nd session, so he figures it'll take a while for things to get moving after you answer Qs about history/past etc. This T specializes in OCD disorders, nothing else, that's why he's going out of network to her, there's not too many therapists that specialize in it. My DH is just at the end of his rope. I'm desperately trying to find the right therapists for him because he's said he will try one last time, and if it doesn't work he's contemplating suicide.

When you say you can only help yourself anyways, do you mean there's not much hope for pwBPD to get better on their own?  I feel like I've accommodated him so much. I've even gone to counseling on my own to figure out how to communicate with him, before he ever went to a therapist. Thanks for the resources, I do need to read more articles on here.

[Rapt Reader]

My DH is just at the end of his rope. I'm desperately trying to find the right therapists for him because he's said he will try one last time, and if it doesn't work he's contemplating suicide.

When you say you can only help yourself anyways, do you mean there's not much hope for pwBPD to get better on their own?  I feel like I've accommodated him so much. I've even gone to counseling on my own to figure out how to communicate with him, before he ever went to a therapist. Thanks for the resources, I do need to read more articles on here.

My goodness    I hope he finds the help he needs, and I'm really glad that he's at least open to Therapy and talking to professionals. Maybe he will change his mind and go to the DBT Therapist... .I truly hope so!

Actually, you can only change yourself (you can't change your loved one)--which then in turn helps our loved one make changes to the way he relates and responds to you, which can help him in many ways and make things better in your relationship   The fact that you have gone to counseling to learn how to communicate with him better is phenomenal, and I really give you kudos for that!

Yes, please do read all you can on this site, starting with the link I gave you above; it's amazing how much power we get from the knowledge of just what we are dealing with and how to deal with it in a manner that can make things better. And we can help you every step of the way  

[See Rainbows]

Actually, you can only change yourself (you can't change your loved one)--which then in turn helps our loved one make changes to the way he relates and responds to you, which can help him in many ways and make things better in your relationship  The fact that you have gone to counseling to learn how to communicate with him better is phenomenal, and I really give you kudos for that!

I see what you're saying. So that if you change the way you react, then they can't blame and get mad as you as much, which in turn makes them look more inward at themselves. Makes them realize they need to react differently too right? Thanks for helping me to see it from a different perspective. I will try to read up on this more. Take care 

[Rapt Reader]

Yeah, it sorta works like that, See Rainbows... .What I've found is, learning Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it &  TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, and then using those tools and techniques, really changed the way I understood and dealt with my BPD loved ones.

I've stopped pushing every one of their buttons, I've stopped over-reacting to their dysregulations and statements, I've stopped taking everything they say to me so personally that I get sad, mad or upset over it all. And by doing so, they in turn react better to me, and our relationships are much better.

I have a 37 year-old son who was diagnosed with BPD in April of 2013 (that is what brought me to this site). I have an undiagnosed BPD Mother-In-Law, Daughter-In-Law, and my Husband has BPD traits (inherited from his Mom). I swear to you that every single one of those relationships have gotten so much better that my life is 90% better (at least!) than it was before I found this site almost 19 months ago. I do encourage you to check out the links I gave you, and let us know if you have any questions  

[Indyan]

Anyone else deal with counselors like this?   *Feeling less hopeful*

Oh God yes!

In July, uBPD cracked up totally. He ended up walking alone to the mental hospital, about 20 minutes from our house. It was the first time he'd ever spoken to a psychiatrist.

The man told him "he had r/s problems" (!)

He then went there again a week or so later, and saw another one. He asked him "My wife told me I may have BPD, is it true?" And the Dr answered "You can go to work, you don't self mutilate, hence you're not BPD. Also BPD is psychiatric stuff and you are not."

The following week I found a marital counselor who claimed to specialize in personality disorders. I phoned him, he sounded open minded, said he was ok with BPD.

MC was a real fiasco. BPD lied, denied everything, and I cried all along. T provided useless piece of advice.

I contacted 10 therapists in total.

We eventually saw a good therapist a month ago. T has just told me that my SO IS psychiatric and may even suffer from Schizotypical Disorder

I read in a BPD book that "Finding the right therapist is as hard as finding a good job."
<br/>:)on't hesitate to change if you don't trust the one you've found.

[Indyan]

I have a 37 year-old son who was diagnosed with BPD in April of 2013 (that is what brought me to this site). I have an undiagnosed BPD Mother-In-Law, Daughter-In-Law, and my Husband has BPD traits (inherited from his Mom).

Oh Lord, you've found a full nest of them 

[Rapt Reader]

Oh Lord, you've found a full nest of them 

Well, I'm more inclined to think that they found me, and I had nothing to do with that    But what I've learned on this site regarding dealing with my son (the Parenting a Child with BPD Board is where I started, and where I began reading all of the Lessons) worked so well for us, that I've just continued to use all of those tools and techniques with all of my other family members.

These are the same things you find at the links to the right-hand side of this Board, but something that I read first over on Parenting, and that I find I apply to not only my son, but my M-I-L, D-I-L and especially my Husband, has really helped me to center myself and help things get better with all of my BPD relationships.

This is what I remember and contemplate with every dysregulation or circumstance that used to derail my well-being, patience and/or peace of mind in the past:

•Family members need to interpret things in the most benign way possible;

•There is no one or any absolute truth (everyone perceives things differently);

•Everyone in the family is doing the best they can in this moment;

•Everyone needs to try harder.

Is this hard sometimes? Yeah... .It can make me feel like I'm the only one having to suck things up, or be "an adult" or give the benefit of the doubt. It can be hard to de-personalize a situation or conversation or perceived slight. And sometimes it takes my repeating over and over these 4 ideas before I can center myself and not react in a way that can blow up a situation unnecessarily. But it does work, and in the end those statements really do prove to be true for the situation that could've turned me into mush, or turned into a major dysregulation or problem for me--and the rest of the family.

At first, I grudgingly thought that by seeing things this way I was doing my family members a favor... .And now? I realize that by seeing things this way I am helping myself and spreading peace and well-being to all of us. And if it doesn't change or improve the situation, at the very least it keeps me balanced and positive. I wouldn't go back to where I was mentally before learning all of that; I've really become much happier in my life 

[Indyan]

•Everyone in the family is doing the best they can in this moment;

The thing is I'm not convinced BPDh is doing his best. I think he's acting pretty destructive in fact.

So, when I don't react/act kindly, I feel I'm the only one who does it.

[Rapt Reader]

•Everyone in the family is doing the best they can in this moment;

The thing is I'm not convinced BPDh is doing his best. I think he's acting pretty destructive in fact.

So, when I don't react/act kindly, I feel I'm the only one who does it.

Is it possible that, unfortunately, that is the best he can do, because of his Disorder(s)? When my Husband is at his dysregulated worst, and it seems to me that he is so horribly unlike his real self, I sometimes think the same as you do about your own Husband... .And then (especially after it passes), I realize that he really is doing the best that he can; he just doesn't have total control over his emotions and how he reacts to them at those times