notjustus2
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 10
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« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2017, 10:41:59 AM » |
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I wrote all this under a new thread:
This could be a very long post, and anyone reading to the end may want to pop some popcorn first... .
My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years now. He had told me he had BPD but it never really seemed to affect us in the beginning. We have two children, his daughter and my son. When my son was 14 he said he wanted to kill himself because my pwBPD is mean to him. My pwBPD is strict, but by no means has he done anything that I am aware of that would cause someone to want to die. All that being said, my son was only 14 and I truly believe he is depressed and even though my pwBPD's actions wouldn't normally elicit such a response from let's say a typical adult, my son was only 14 and did not have the coping skills to realize how to handle himself when confronted with being raised by a strict step parent. That day changed our lives forever, our marriage, my relationship with my son, his relationship with my pwBPD. I took my son seriously and immediately took him to the crisis center. They did not believe he was a harm to himself or others so they sent him home with me and we started counseling. Over the course of the next 4 years I spent a lot of time worrying about my son, trying to do right by him so that he wouldn't off himself, and there was a lot of stress with me and my pwBPD due to this. He said I was coddling my son, which is true to an extent, he always accused me of choosing my son over him which any reasonable parent would. I handled my son wrong. Instead of giving him rules and consequences I gave him rules, chores, etc and would often cave in on the consequences when it was time to deliver them. I lived in fear. Every morning I would wake up and check my son's room to make sure he wasn't hanging from his loft bed. When I say I lived in fear I mean the fear controlled me. And much to the detriment of my marriage. I would often not take the advise of my pwBPD because I thought, "If I do that my son will become upset and possibly kill himself"... .It took me a LONG ASS TIME to realize that he was manipulating me.
I thought when my son went to college he would be out of the house and my relationship with my husband would begin to improve because he wouldn't be constantly nagging me about what to do with my son, how to raise him, etc. Well, a few weeks or so before my son went to college I found out my husband was hanging out with this girl the used to work with. He had taken her to his friends house with his daughter while I was working my second job. He had also snuck out of our bed at night to keep her company while she went to the car wash in the middle of the night, he swears he never touched her. I was scared to death I was going to lose my husband so I invited her to our home. One thing led to another and we ended up in a relationship with her for a while, a few months. I will admit that I had fun with her, but when she started neglecting us things got bad. It was weird, the days when I was distraught about her my husband was hopeful about her, the days he was distraught over here I would always be positive about her and try to talk to him about how great she was. She wasn't great. She was a drug addict that only came around when she needed stuff from us. We spent so much money on her, it was ridiculous. In hindsight I see that it was wrong, instead of inviting her into my marriage out of fear I should have just addressed our issues with my husband. We did have the discussion that I never wanted him to have his own thing on the side, anything we do, we do together as a couple looking for a little something extra. For the first 10-12 days it was awesome, then she started ignoring us off and on and just really being a terrible girlfriend. We dealt with that for months before finally it became too much and we broke it off with her. Sure, I miss having a girl around that I can talk to and do stuff with, but it's for the best, she really was a dirtbag. My pwBPD has always said he can't get over one person unless another person is there to help him through it. I thought that was me... .but because of all the stress of the past 4 years with my son he didn't trust me to be there for him even though a kind of "woke up" when we started seeing this girl, my fire inside for my husbands attention and love and all the feelings of when we were new came back. My son was away at college and I was feeling less stress. I thought I was that person for him. About a week after we broke up with her he admitted to me he was talking to someone that lives 5 hours away on the side that was helping him through our break up with our gf. I felt like someone stabbed me through the heart with a knife. I cry every day over this. He says I need to accept it because he needs it to survive that he will end up offing himself because he can't get over the gf without someone else to take her place. He says it's nothing different that when I talk to this other girl that lives 3000 miles away. He introduced me to her and I only started talking to her because I found out he was talking to her. We ended up hitting it off and we talk alot, mostly about girl stuff, we vent to one another etc. I care for her, she cares for me, but as far as I was concerned she was a friend of me and my pwBPD. He tells me he cares for this girl he is having the emotional affair with. I asked him if he loved her and he said "In a way, not like you." I am torn. My therapist gave me her cell number so I can text her if I need anything and she said she was worried about me. He insists he needs this and it's not fair to him that I am getting so upset over it because I am making him feel bad. I told him I am not making him feel bad, the fact that he is hurting me is making him feel bad. I did get on snapchat and introduce myself to her which he facilitated but it was clear that she wanted nothing to do with knowing me and then my pwBPD got mad at me because I made her sad. Well, she should be sad. What she is participating in is hurting me immensely... .and not only that but if her husband found out it could end her marriage and they have two small children. PwBPD insists that one day it will be just the two of us but he needs more time to fully trust me to be there for him reliably without choosing my son over him. And to make matters even worse, my son is dropping out of college but has been told he has to work and live with his dad, he cannot live at our house. Mostly because of the affect it has on our marriage but also because he treats me like | crap and is very disrespectful and cannot manage to take care of himself (hygeine) and do his chores without being told. I am not innocent in how my marriage has turned out, but I am not the only one to blame. I do not accept this emotional affair but anytime I mention it he says he will get rid of her and hope he doesn't off himself. My problem is, when he does get rid of her down the line when he trusts that I will be there for him... .will he choose me to get over her? Will he need someone else? He was dishonest with me over some things and admitted he should have never told me about her, so how am I ever to trust him again? How do I enjoy my marriage without constantly worrying that he has something going on. I am at my wits end. He says it will take time to fully trust me again to be his rock, but I don't know how long I can hang in like this, constantly depressed, crying, etc. Do any of you have any similar experiences you can share? What did you do, how is your marriage now, etc?
Thank you for any advice or words of encouragement.
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