Dealing with Enablers

[defogging]

I've come to realize over time that my uBPDw's parents are playing the role of enabler, and it's been very damaging to our marriage.  They are good people, and have good intentions, but it is a minefield for me to navigate.The general situation is my uBPDw puts them up on a pedestal and they can do no wrong.  I, on the other hand, can do no right.  What I see is they are very afraid to upset her so they go along with anything she says.

It has gotten worse recently as I've enforced boundaries.  uBPDw creates a crisis, I tell her she needs to take care of it herself, then she goes to Mom and gets the help she "needs" while bad mouthing me.  (Main issue is over scheduling herself, never being able to handle it all, then claiming others need to help her by taking care of her things)

uBPDw is running to them more and more for her "support" and we are really growing apart.  She doesn't want to do anything unless they are involved somehow.  At this point we are living separate lives except for the one thing we have in common which is our kids.  The funny thing is I've had many discussions with my FIL and he sees what is happening, tells me he doesn't really believe what he hears about me, but no one will alter their actions.

Any advice on tactics to deal with this?  I know they won't change, and uBPDw won't stop playing them against me.  I'm past the point of caring what they think about me, because it's not worth all the effort to "prove" I'm a good husband and father when I already know I am.  Part of me thinks I should let them keep solving her problems until they get fed up with it, but I don't know how long that will take.  There isn't much of a marriage left now, not sure if there will be one when/if we get to that point.

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[isilme]

I am guessing they live close enough that she can run to them when she wants something. 

Sadly, all you can control is yourself.  You can express to the In-Laws as well as your wife that this is inappropriate, but as the In-laws have fed this behavior, and can't seem to stop (or see a reason to do so), I am at a loss of what you can really do.  You FIL lives with your MIL, who just might be very similar to your W... .meaning, his coming methods are to simply let her do what she wants. 

If there was any way to increase the physical distance or create a lack of parental availability, your W may have to learn to self-soothe and cope with your boundaries, but I am assuming the boundaries may be doing things for her or buying things for her.  Can you explain more about what you've established as a boundary and what she is still able to get from her parents?

[defogging]

Thanks for your reply, and I'm afraid you're right in that there is little I can change except my own behavior.  Mainly looking for tactics or a mindset that I can adopt to help myself out I guess.

Interestingly, they are retired and live an hour from us.  There's no reason they couldn't live closer but they don't.  I'm starting to suspect that they need a little distance and it's mostly my uBPDw that initiates the enabling cycle.  MIL loves uBPDw dearly, which is great, but MIL is very timid and afraid of conflict so she gives in all the time.  Distance probably helps them have a little peace.

The cycle with uBPDw is she is constantly adding things to her schedule and gets overwhelmed, then cries out about how miserable she is and needs to be rescued (meaning someone has to take care of the time issues she has created).  She has a demanding job, insists the kids need to be in every activity possible (if we don't do it all we've done nothing mindset), makes sure the kids attend every birthday party/book club/afterschool activity that they can.  We've discussed this a million times, me telling her it's too much and her arguing that it's not.  It's to the point where she is a disaster at home, everyday things that need to be accomplished are half finished and I have to pick up the ball just to keep the house functioning.

My boundary is that if she scheduled it, she needs to make it happen.  (to an extent, I participate in getting the kids to activities but won't drive myself crazy over it)  This backfires because she calls MIL to shuttle the kids around and MIL always says yes.  Then I'm the bad guy.

There are other examples of this - another one is I go out of town and pre-make meals for the family while I'm gone, then I come back to find she didn't touch any of them.  Then I heard endless praise about how MIL stopped by with a meal one night and "saved them" when they were suffering.  Now when I go out of town I don't bother making meals. Why bother, it wasn't appreciated when I did it!  The funny thing is she always tells me (and other people) that I never do anything around the house, then all of a sudden they are miserable the minute I leave. 

Sorry, this is short and rambling, but I gotta get to a meeting.  Hopefully that helps a little bit.

[isilme]

I guess I'd ahve to say if MIL wants to play taxi, and the kids don't mind being so busy, let that go on until both MIL and your W burn out - it's really all you CAN do.  I'd not say anything else about it.

H and I started college together but graduated 12 years apart.  For a while, I tried to keep up with his grades as well as my own, but after a while, I got tired of being in school, wanted to get a job to help out more with money, and frankly, was tired of being a student.  So I got my degree and figured he'd be a year behind me.  He stopped going to class.  He pretty much enrolled and never went, and so was racking up tuition he never got anything from.  But I had to stop harping on him, and I had to pretty much just live my own life for a while, even while living together.  He had to fail at the task, and alter find worth in it, to succeed.  Finally, it was important to him to change, important to get a job, important to get a FT job, and then important to finish that degree he was already paying the loans for but did not even have. 

You W needs to burn out.  This means that MIL will also need to burn out, sadly.  As long as this can happen without harming the kids, it needs to happen.  I personally think kids need more unstructured free play myself, instead of rigorously controlled activities, but BPD loves control.

Unappreciated chores - I agree with stopping pre-meal planning if it's not appreciated or used.  It's just a waste of food, your time, and money. 

She has decided it's convenient to paint you black so she can be a victim.  H used to do things like this, but it never held once people actually met me, and SAW me doing the household chores, working full time, and juggling everything else while he as simply socializing. 

You sound like you are at a stage where you need to work pretty much on taking care of yourself, and the kids' needs that you can fulfill on your own.  I worry that her attitude is being translated to the kids, and would hate for them to adopt a "dad is a meanie" mindset, and so working on you and keeping yourself somewhat content in life regardless of what your W does as well as making sure the kids know you are a good dad is the most important thing to focus on.  Depending on their age, they may see that Mommy is stressed or freaks out a lot, and they need someone solid to depend on - I know as a child of 2 BPD parents.  Had I just one stable adult in my life, I'm sure I'd be a lot healthier mentally myself. 

[Enabler]

Defogging, thanks for raising this topic, this is great and close to my heart. So my uBPDw is the perma victim type and loves to say that her life is a constant drama regardless of whether or not she has created her own chaos. MIL is also a pwBPD and the root cause as far as I'm concerned of my W PD... .basically grew up with her mothers chaotic blaming and mood swings. She has a hair trigger rage which lasts for hours, often triggered by stress or perceived abandonment.

So, to the point. In-laws are huge enablers. I grew up on a house where of you trod in dog mess you cleaned your shoes. I have seen shoes left outside their back door for Slave FIL to clean off... .geez man, they're adults. W had her bottom wiped litterealy until age 8! This trend has continued into adulthood and now we end up in a situation where in-laws are at W beck and call and only live 5 mins down the road.

Here's the quirk... .MIL complains and grumbles about the inconvenience of it all. They jump to enable yet they hold it against W and me. I'm reluctant to make anyone take responsibility they will the complain about, its guilt and shame I don't want or need... .however it's a battle I have stopped fighting even if my internal voice is screaming/laughing at the idiocy of the situation. I have opted to stay I. Rather than get them to childmind, I don't need to be dragged through the coals... .but then when they don't get asked they guilt you for the fact they're not asked and don't get to see the grandkids.

At least now I understand the origins of the double blind situations and can slightly chuckle to myself.

Massive siiiiiiiiiiigh ahhhhhh

[waverider]

These are very common dynamics. parents of a pwBPD have often "given up" trying to change their child, as everything is futile and comes to nothing but drama. Given family haven't chosen each other, nor can leave, they have no choice but to try and make everything tenable. Hence enabling, blocking and delusion comes into play as the alternative is too confronting and too overwhelming. Anyone who doesn't actually live with a pwBPD will do that as it is a problem they can step away from. To a degree they will also see it as a bad reflection on themselves

Of course, this simply feeds into the problem. Especially if they have a fixer mentality, rather than just providing support. But that was the old school way of parenting when emotional needs took second place to physical needs.

A pwBPD often expresses an emotional need as a physical problem that needs fixing. This triggers the rescuer to get involved. Engagement is what the pwBPD wants. But it never really fixes the problem, as that was never really the problem. eg MIL coming over to save the day with food, your wife probably simply felt abandoned, so she expressed it as a physical problem of needing help with food. This to the MIL was an easy practical issue to fix, rather than all that emotional stuff so she steps in and fixes it. Most likely oblivious to the fact that you have it already covered.

My MIL is a compulsive "fixer" and every time she steps in it is always inappropriate and makes things worse. My wife never appreciates it either as the real issue was never the physical issue she raised with MIL. Both end up frustrated, so MIL keeps her distance because she knows she gets burnt if she is too involved. So staying at a safe distance and lobbing a grand gesture into play every now and then keeps her conscience clear, her life simpler and keep up the appearance of a good parent.

It is important you dont get into conflict with the inlaws as they will be spun as much nonsense as you are, and what your wife says they do, or say, is probably equally distorted. You get drawn into the whole drama triangulation of distorted he said /she said, and your personal level of invalidation will escalate

BPD alliances are simple, whoever is meeting their immediate needs is a white knight, whoever is blocking their needs is the black knight.

What to do? pick your boundaries and just roll with the lesser important (to you) issues, otherwise it just consolidates you as the perpetual black knight. Too many boundaries just distracts focus from the important ones.

[defogging]

Thank you all so much, this is very valuable insight.

isilme - You really hit the nail on the head with letting them burn out, that is what my gut is telling me to do.  What I've been doing is refusing to bail her out of scheduling "emergencies", so I will keep doing this and let MIL step in.  What you said about not letting it harm the kids is what I base my decisions on.  Sounds like I'm on the right track there, thanks.

I also like what you said in your last paragraph.  I've recently focused more on myself and being the stable one for the kids.  She has already tried to poison the kids against me, and that's very frustrating.  The kids are young (7,4,2) but my oldest is picking up on it.  When she has asked me why I won't do something mom wants, I try to explain about compromise in relationships in a way that kids can understand and also ask her what she thinks about the situation.  I remind her that mom and dad will work it out and it's not something she should worry about.  I won't let the kids be placed in the middle of a disagreement, period.  I make sure they get free play when mom's not around, I agree kids need that.  I'm focusing more and more on spending time with them, but that remains difficult as mom needs to have all three with her at all times.  Usually when I want to do something with them (without her) it ends up as a fight.  So, I am seizing opportunities due to her busy schedule to have fun with the kids when she has to be at work.  I'm good buds with all three of them so as they get older they will see through mom's charade, I'm confident of that.  Just need to keep working on the relationships with them, that never stops.

Enabler - Sorry you are going through the same thing, irritating isn't it?  I am lucky in that my in laws don't complain, at least not to us.  I just hear the noise on my end from uBPDw, she tells me that everyone thinks I'm being a jerk a lot.  Again, due to things I've heard from FIL, I don't believe people are actually saying this about me.  It makes things difficult though.  I think I need to be more assertive with everyone, that is a weakness I see in myself.  Getting better at setting boundaries with uBPDw, and getting out front of things that might be said about me to defuse the power of that would help.  (Or, just not give a lick about what's being said!)

waverider - Very insightful, thank you.  Your first paragraph fits my situation well, I do believe now that her family has intentionally put some distance there while still showing they care.  It allows them to step away.  It makes sense that uBPDw is creating physical problems to address an emotional need, I can really see that now that you've put it into words.

This all helps me so much, thank you!  Understanding what is driving her actions helps keep me sane.

This brings up another issue I've been struggling with - How to show closeness while maintaining boundaries.  I'm going to start a new thread on that, rather than derail this one.