I Fear that She Will Give Up

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been with my now wife for 4 years. I’ve always had a feeling she may have some personality disorder due to a few traits. Recently, our friends fiancé was diagnosed with BPD, and in hearing the explanation a light went off for me but also my wife said “that’s what you deal with” we have no communication. Anytime I try to even discuss anything, or an issue, a huge rage of anger comes out. Screaming, calling me names and shutting it down. It always gets turned on me, that I’m crazy or have to be right because I don’t just back down. I understand after reading a lot, I’m adding to the fits. But that’s because there’s no official diagnosis and I know nothing about it. She lacks empathy, has really bad self image issues, often is depressed or has anxiety, feels empty or doesn’t even know how to be happy with herself, is easily bored in life and in work. Has suicidal thoughts and a feeling of wanting to give up. We are in counseling, so do I maybe go to our counselor and bring up my thoughts. I feel like if I just go to get and say hey I think you have BPD it would result in a huge fight. So I don’t even know where to start.
I’m an emotional empath, I like talking things out. I do suffer from anxiety and depression lately and believe it’s from this. I never know what each day will bring and sometimes fear her in her rage fits.

[PNWgirl7]

I have been with my now wife for 4 years. I’ve always had a feeling she may have some personality disorder due to a few traits. Recently, our friends fiancé was diagnosed with BPD, and in hearing the explanation a light went off for me but also my wife said “that’s what you deal with” we have no communication. Anytime I try to even discuss anything, or an issue, a huge rage of anger comes out. Screaming, calling me names and shutting it down. It always gets turned on me, that I’m crazy or have to be right because I don’t just back down. I understand after reading a lot, I’m adding to the fits. But that’s because there’s no official diagnosis and I know nothing about it. She lacks empathy, has really bad self image issues, often is depressed or has anxiety, feels empty or doesn’t even know how to be happy with herself, is easily bored in life and in work. Has suicidal thoughts and a feeling of wanting to give up. We are in counseling, so do I maybe go to our counselor and bring up my thoughts. I feel like if I just go to get and say hey I think you have BPD it would result in a huge fight. So I don’t even know where to start.
I’m an emotional empath, I like talking things out. I do suffer from anxiety and depression lately and believe it’s from this. I never know what each day will bring and sometimes fear her in her rage fits.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[PNWgirl7]

I should add that her rages of anger have gotten so bad, that she is constantly threatening divorce and saying she is done. I feel our marriage is on the verge because of her. I won’t give up, but I fear she will because with her it’s always fight or flight.

[pearlsw]

Hi PNWgirl17,

 Welcome to the family here! I am sure you find a supportive and insightful community of folks here! I hope more folks will join us here and let you know we are thinking of you and share your struggles!

I know having this site has made me feel much less alone and confused about some of the behaviors I was noticing in my partner, but had no idea how to deal with as it was so overwhelming and exhausting at times!

Have you read "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? There and here on the site (at this link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0) it talks about not bringing this up with our partners directly, why this can be problematic. I hope if you do bring it up with the counselor that you find a supportive ear with that. What do you think of this notion?

While I would not recommend it based on the readings here, I actually did bring it up with my partner because I had a hunch and wanted him to see if the description rang a bell with him - it did to my surprise. So, sometimes we talk it over, but I am trying to steer it towards the notion that we all feel emotions, but sometimes his are a bit heightened as compared to usual. He has admitted in the past to being emotionally sensitive so it's sometimes okay for us to talk it over, but I try to just stay focused on the behaviors and finding ways to be less confused and more happy with myself and my own life in the midst of such challenges.

I used to like to talk things out more, but in my case, the more I am careful about limiting certain emotional discussion with my partner the better things are at times. I find I tended to over talk things and that wasn't helpful. Being shorter and too the point about what I want to express helps and I learned some of that from this site. But I also have been trying to be more validating in other ways and not shut down his emotions completely although at times they can be too much for me. It is a constant experiment!

One thing you will find is that the more work you do on yourself... .well one can learn to at least not make things worse! And that is huge!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Enabler]

Hey PNWgirl17,

How does marriage counselling go? What type of things do you discuss?

I wonder sometimes if you can bring attention to certain characteristics in a non-blaming way such that it's more obvious to the marriage counselor that your wife shows BPD behaviors. What other behaviors have you identified?

Depression is very very common among the bpdfamily members. The symptoms themselves are traumatic, however, the underlying uncertainty and anxiety is debilitating. Being placed in double blind situations and often feeling you can't make the choices you want to without experiencing unwarranted emotional penalties. There's a few board members who suggest taking yourself to 30,000 ft and looking down on yourself, your ACTUAL choices and your situation. Work out what your worst case is and build things from there. It's often very difficult to see things for how they are when you're close to the problem fighting the good fight.

Best

Enabler