Tired of forgiving

[Joha242]

I'm just tired of forgiving her, of being the one to say "well, she's had a rough life, so... ." I'm tired of getting emails that feel like slaps in the face. I'm tired of her apologizing. I'm near a breaking point and I'm sad.  I'm sad for me but I'm also so very sad for her. What a horrible way to live a life, to constantly feel unnecessarily threatened by those those you love, then to lash our inappropriately, then to apologize, but then to be self-righteous and indignant and turn around and do it all over again. I truly feel sorry for her, but that's wearing thin, to the point where I'm just ready to wash my hands of it all.  Here's JUST PART of her latest email (they are always VERY long)... .

"I love you both for the strong, smart & brave women that you are.  But as I'm sure you both at times feel about me -- sometimes I don't like you.  I think that's human nature for nearly all family members. I didn't feel liked by you two when we were last together & I didn't like either of you.  And that's the truth -- tough tho' it may sound.   It was so wonderful for me to take this trip to Panama for myself & be w/ 15 other terrific fellow travelers who shared in the wonder of the Canal & the Panamanian culture for 12 days.  I think we were all taking care of our needs.  I hope I'm smart enough to continue to do so in the future.  It was such a healthy move on my part. And  I truly hope you both rec'd all that you needed on your Thanksgiving holiday -- peace, remembrance & the love of family."

[Joha242]

Does anyone else see the sickness in that email?  Maybe it's just me and all the history we have.

[Struggles]

Does anyone else see the sickness in that email?  Maybe it's just me and all the history we have.

It's not just you, I completely get what you mean.  We (my husband, me, and his whole family) are tired of forgiving as well.  The BPD in our lives is his mom.  All of us have always let her have her rage fits, and then go back to normal without an apology of any kind, just acting like nothing ever happened. 

I see in the email your mom sent it's a "I love you,  but... .".  Instead of just simply "I love you".  There is a but behind it, the negative reinforcement, instead of just positive. 

It gets old, and tiring.  I'm so sorry you are going through this with your mom.  Keep posting, this is a great place for knowledge, and to just write out your feelings with people who understand because they are going through the same or similar. 

Keeping you in my thoughts! 

[Joha242]

And such a quick jump into narcissism... .Essentially: I don't like you, but my trip to Panama was wonderful and so healing for me... .Uh, okay. So glad you are "healing" (in truth, she was "healing" from a major fight that she initiated).

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother talks like this- lecture style about what her interpretation of things is. She can be very convincing, but if you listen to her carefully- it is like being lectured- this is how YOU should think.

I've heard the "All families have arguments" as reasoning for her behavior. She described my my teen age years ( where she was dysregulating a lot) and our strained relationship ( from emotional abuse ) as "typical mother daughter issues" "typical teen age issues" and has convinced her FOO that I am still acting like an adolescent. The way she talked was as if all our issues were because of my teen age behavior, not her.

I have experienced being a mom to teenagers and yes, teens can be moody and push parents' buttons, but it isn't anything like the way my mother behaved then. I also don't think the behavior was limited to my teen years- I was just old enough to be aware of it and then left home for college so I wasn't around it.

I also read the e mail you received as creepy and manipulative.

[bright_future_mama]

Holy cow.  That sounds EXACTLY like something my mother would say.  Gives me the creeps. 

[Furbaby Mom]

I just got goosebumps.  I read your post and my eyes started to tear up because that is EXACTLY how I feel about my 2 SIL's.  I am tired of forgetting.  I can forgive and forgive, but I cannot forget and many of the things they did to me have forever changed them in my mind.  The email excerpt is what gave me goosebumps because it is eerily similar to both an email from SIL 2 and a phone convo with SIL 1.  SIL 2 just bashes us and berates us then throws in "but I love the ___ out of you two."  SIL 1 said to my husband that she has her own family now and does not need us.  She has "healthy relationships" outside of ours and that is proof to her that it is not her.  She told us she needed space to be with people who support her, despite the fact that every time she got in trouble it is us and her dad and stepmom who bailed her out. 

I know it doesn't help much, but I feel what you feel granted these are not my blood relatives.  It is an awful feeling to feel manipulated and tossed aside when two seconds ago they wanted your attention.