Just separated after almost 10 year relationship 6 year marriage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been involved with a woman and my marriage hit the skids this summer after moving to a different state in March.  We bought our first home together and the marriage went south after.

I never heard of BPD, but knew something was wrong with my wife since the beginning of my relationship.

Incredibly immature and irrational reactions to so many things.  Going through a yellow light and not waiting for her when we are on the street she lives on, huge fight.  After taking countless pictures on a trip and if I didn't get the right background she buried me for it.  If I said pictures meant more to her than hanging out with me, she said I was right.  Taking her out to dinner to celebrate her graduation and on the car ride to the restaurant out of nowhere burying some girl who posted on my Myspace page 6 months prior.

If I didn't text back right away I'd get texts going HELLO?  Couldn't call her out on anything.  Always accused me of cheating.  I went out of my way not to look at other women and accused me of doing it anyway.  Could never tell her she was pretty enough, always said I never told her she was pretty unless I wanted sex.  Couldn't hang out with friends or family on my own without paying for it.  Lost a lot of friends.  Couldn't leave the house at all without her questioning where I was going.  I could go on and on.  Black and white thinking, total hypocrite, couldn't admit to being wrong about anything, gas lighter, etc.

I made some big financial mistakes in the relationship that took a toll on our social life and because she isolated me and she had no friends, we didn't live an exciting life.  We have 4 year old boy.

I always trusted my wife, never suspected anything with her.  She did admit in the beginning of our relationship that she used to be sneaky but I never knew what that meant.  This summer I learned.  We moved to a knew state for a promotion of hers, bought our first house.  I put the weight of the entire move on myself.  She was also finishing school and finished in June.  She didn't lift a finger on the house and said we would make it a priority once school ended.  Once school ended she still didn't care about the house and wanted to travel.  She went somewhere with her family.  When she came back she told me she was no longer in love with me.  I left the house for a few hours, no fight, when I came back she ran to me for a hug.  I refused it.  This led to a fight and a week of silent treatment from both sides, something that became more and more common in the relationship over the years.  I started noticing this summer she would take her phone everywhere.  Wouldn't let our son play with it.  In June we stopped having sex, not normal.  We did make up after the whole I'm not in love with you incident but that only lasted a few weeks.  Her mother, another BPD visited, insisted on sleeping with my son when I asked for separate beds, they were up till midnight and when I couldn't sleep I said something to my wife, she went and said something to her mom only to come back and tell me she hated me.  The next morning I called her on it and she bs'd some story that made no sense as to why she said she hated me, I lost my temper, something that started to become more and more common from the burn out of being lied to.  Her mom got involved in the argument, I blew up on her mom and that led to today and a separation.

A few months ago I caught my wife getting out of another man's truck after she had sworn there was no one else.  I knew she would never leave me without a back up plan and she was so sneaky with her phone and piled on miles on her car that made no sense given her work commute.  After I caught her with the guy I finally saw an attorney to move forward with the separation.  After I saw the attorney she didn't want to discuss the separation, next thing I know we are back where I proposed and at Zales buying an enhancer for her wedding ring.  We planed a vacation that would be a bonding and spiritual experience, joined a gym, and signed up marriage counseling.  After marriage counseling, 1 hour of her burying me and making it sound like 100% of everything was my fault, just random rambling of every mean thing I said or did to her or her mother.  Needless to say the trip would not happen and we moved forward with the divorce.

I ended up becoming a yeller and resorted to the same insulting only more cruel than she could be.  She called the police on me twice.  If I called her a pig for calling the police I was the bad guy.  The fact that she called the police was irrelevant.

I only learned about BPD a month or so ago when bridges had been burned.  She hates my sister, she hates my family.  She can't forgive anyone for anything even though her family has hurt our marriage more than mine.

I am now in an apartment and it's depressing.  The guy I caught her with she went on the trip we were supposed to go on together.  I feel like 10 years never happened and I never knew this girl.  She was so into me, hot as hell, but the I hate you don't leave me roller coaster was the whole relationship.  I moved in with her almost immediately which shows I wasn't and am still not emotionally healthy.  I know it's for the best that we separate, but the thought of her with another man already who she told me she's in love with is killing me.  I found out he works with her.  He's older than me, divorced, has a kid who lives thousands of miles away.  My wife says he listens, he understands her.  I've been dealing with this for years, how nice the guys she works with are.  The guys she has never hit, insulted, emotionally destroyed, etc.  Meanwhile if I brought up a female where I worked it meant I wanted to nail her.

I guess my biggest question is this.  I'm reasonably laid back, like to keep the peace.  I'm a no worries kind of guy, don't worry about it, my bad.  She has turned me into a lunatic with my yelling because I'm so burned out with the constant poorly timed bs'ing and lying that does nothing to help the relationship.  Have any of you become yellers?

I'm beating myself up wondering if I could have done a better job of validating her bs and correcting her like she's 2 years old.  Is that sustainable?  Does that work?  Our relationship was a roller coaster and divorce was threatened all the time and now it's going to happen.

I'm trying to convince myself, despite my mistakes that nothing was going to work with her and that I need to move on understanding this.

[TurbanCowboy]

I have been involved with a woman and my marriage hit the skids this summer after moving to a different state in March.  We bought our first home together and the marriage went south after.

I never heard of BPD, but knew something was wrong with my wife since the beginning of my relationship.

Incredibly immature and irrational reactions to so many things.  Going through a yellow light and not waiting for her when we are on the street she lives on, huge fight.  After taking countless pictures on a trip and if I didn't get the right background she buried me for it.  If I said pictures meant more to her than hanging out with me, she said I was right.  Taking her out to dinner to celebrate her graduation and on the car ride to the restaurant out of nowhere burying some girl who posted on my Myspace page 6 months prior.

If I didn't text back right away I'd get texts going HELLO?  Couldn't call her out on anything.  Always accused me of cheating.  I went out of my way not to look at other women and accused me of doing it anyway.  Could never tell her she was pretty enough, always said I never told her she was pretty unless I wanted sex.  Couldn't hang out with friends or family on my own without paying for it.  Lost a lot of friends.  Couldn't leave the house at all without her questioning where I was going.  I could go on and on.  Black and white thinking, total hypocrite, couldn't admit to being wrong about anything, gas lighter, etc.

I made some big financial mistakes in the relationship that took a toll on our social life and because she isolated me and she had no friends, we didn't live an exciting life.  We have 4 year old boy.

I always trusted my wife, never suspected anything with her.  She did admit in the beginning of our relationship that she used to be sneaky but I never knew what that meant.  This summer I learned.  We moved to a knew state for a promotion of hers, bought our first house.  I put the weight of the entire move on myself.  She was also finishing school and finished in June.  She didn't lift a finger on the house and said we would make it a priority once school ended.  Once school ended she still didn't care about the house and wanted to travel.  She went somewhere with her family.  When she came back she told me she was no longer in love with me.  I left the house for a few hours, no fight, when I came back she ran to me for a hug.  I refused it.  This led to a fight and a week of silent treatment from both sides, something that became more and more common in the relationship over the years.  I started noticing this summer she would take her phone everywhere.  Wouldn't let our son play with it.  In June we stopped having sex, not normal.  We did make up after the whole I'm not in love with you incident but that only lasted a few weeks.  Her mother, another BPD visited, insisted on sleeping with my son when I asked for separate beds, they were up till midnight and when I couldn't sleep I said something to my wife, she went and said something to her mom only to come back and tell me she hated me.  The next morning I called her on it and she bs'd some story that made no sense as to why she said she hated me, I lost my temper, something that started to become more and more common from the burn out of being lied to.  Her mom got involved in the argument, I blew up on her mom and that led to today and a separation.

A few months ago I caught my wife getting out of another man's truck after she had sworn there was no one else.  I knew she would never leave me without a back up plan and she was so sneaky with her phone and piled on miles on her car that made no sense given her work commute.  After I caught her with the guy I finally saw an attorney to move forward with the separation.  After I saw the attorney she didn't want to discuss the separation, next thing I know we are back where I proposed and at Zales buying an enhancer for her wedding ring.  We planed a vacation that would be a bonding and spiritual experience, joined a gym, and signed up marriage counseling.  After marriage counseling, 1 hour of her burying me and making it sound like 100% of everything was my fault, just random rambling of every mean thing I said or did to her or her mother.  Needless to say the trip would not happen and we moved forward with the divorce.

I ended up becoming a yeller and resorted to the same insulting only more cruel than she could be.  She called the police on me twice.  If I called her a pig for calling the police I was the bad guy.  The fact that she called the police was irrelevant.

I only learned about BPD a month or so ago when bridges had been burned.  She hates my sister, she hates my family.  She can't forgive anyone for anything even though her family has hurt our marriage more than mine.

I am now in an apartment and it's depressing.  The guy I caught her with she went on the trip we were supposed to go on together.  I feel like 10 years never happened and I never knew this girl.  She was so into me, hot as hell, but the I hate you don't leave me roller coaster was the whole relationship.  I moved in with her almost immediately which shows I wasn't and am still not emotionally healthy.  I know it's for the best that we separate, but the thought of her with another man already who she told me she's in love with is killing me.  I found out he works with her.  He's older than me, divorced, has a kid who lives thousands of miles away.  My wife says he listens, he understands her.  I've been dealing with this for years, how nice the guys she works with are.  The guys she has never hit, insulted, emotionally destroyed, etc.  Meanwhile if I brought up a female where I worked it meant I wanted to nail her.

I guess my biggest question is this.  I'm reasonably laid back, like to keep the peace.  I'm a no worries kind of guy, don't worry about it, my bad.  She has turned me into a lunatic with my yelling because I'm so burned out with the constant poorly timed bs'ing and lying that does nothing to help the relationship.  Have any of you become yellers?

I'm beating myself up wondering if I could have done a better job of validating her bs and correcting her like she's 2 years old.  Is that sustainable?  Does that work?  Our relationship was a roller coaster and divorce was threatened all the time and now it's going to happen.

I'm trying to convince myself, despite my mistakes that nothing was going to work with her and that I need to move on understanding this.

[Inside]

... .though not an official welcomer here, I’m glad you found this place...   And, I’m so sorry you’re at the place in life you’ve described.  I’ve no doubt we can all relate.  And, this does not sound like 'you,' it sounds like what a person having literally given their all to maintain a relationship with someone incapable of doing the same becomes.   

I will suggest you consider some form of personal counseling, especially if depression becomes a constant.  All you’d have to do is hand a therapist what you’ve described above - and there should be no question as to what you’ve dealt with, and what you need to do.  My BPD r/s did not result in marriage, or children, but do question others on this board regarding legal suggestions…
 
Not a hugger - I’d give you one, you’ve earned it!  It sounds as though you’ve been doing some homework regarding BPD, continue as you can, this place is loaded with it.  Do ask questions, it’s a hectic time of year with the holidays looming, but there are some who may have additional time because of it and willing to stay tuned, use them. 

Do not beat yourself up, or her ... or the new guy…  Her r/s will not last, guaranteed.  While you work to learn, heal and recover - pwBPD remain the same; instantly moving on is their flawed coping mechanism.  Please, do not doubt yourself on this one…  Move ahead, and protect your son.  If her mother has BPD ... disregard her accusations as well.  You need to discover which side’s up before you can climb out -- so let the spinning stop, care for yourself, rekindle friendships, rely on close family while seeking healthy advice from a professional if necessary.  Use the energy you’d have spent supporting her supporting yourself and son - you will get beyond this 

[crushedagain]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and having the kid makes it much worse. She sounds just like my ex. Nothing was her fault, she never forgives or forgets, has a memory like an elephant for all the "bad stuff" (thought many "facts" were actually drummed up in her mind), sneaky behavior, hysterical, makes a mountain out of a mole hill, starts fights for no reason - the whole nine yards.

I probably would have become a screamer like you if not for the fact that her thin skin couldn't even handle a slightly raised voice. She was so fragile that she would start packing her stuff at the slightest change in my behavior. It was bizarre looking back on it, and I can't believe I lasted 2 years. I should have sent her packing after a few months.

It's going to be painful for you, but if you can just hang on through the first few months it gets better. I was numb for the first month, then the pain got worse, but I'm coming up on 3 months since the split, no contact whatsoever for 2 months now.

Good luck, and keep posting as you see fit. 

[TurbanCowboy]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and having the kid makes it much worse. She sounds just like my ex. Nothing was her fault, she never forgives or forgets, has a memory like an elephant for all the "bad stuff" (thought many "facts" were actually drummed up in her mind), sneaky behavior, hysterical, makes a mountain out of a mole hill, starts fights for no reason - the whole nine yards.

I probably would have become a screamer like you if not for the fact that her thin skin couldn't even handle a slightly raised voice. She was so fragile that she would start packing her stuff at the slightest change in my behavior. It was bizarre looking back on it, and I can't believe I lasted 2 years. I should have sent her packing after a few months.

It's going to be painful for you, but if you can just hang on through the first few months it gets better. I was numb for the first month, then the pain got worse, but I'm coming up on 3 months since the split, no contact whatsoever for 2 months now.

Good luck, and keep posting as you see fit. 

My wife also has incredibly thin skin and has told me a zillion times to stop yelling.  She pokes and pokes, I yell, then she points the finger at me like I have the problem.  It's never about the behavior that is causing the poor reaction from me.  Do you know how many times I have said to her over the years, "I can't believe you are doing this again?  What are you trying to accomplish with this?" 

During the process of trying to get separated she would poke me and if I yelled she would grab the phone and threaten to call the police.  Before the separation process, the cops were never ever called on me.  She's in a smear campaign and sends an email to her attorney every time she has a chance.

I understand these relationships are hard to get over but my wife is doing everything possible to try and make it easy for me.

Of course at no point is anything she's doing taking into consideration our son.

[Enabler]

Sometimes I wonder if God got a little bit bored when he was writing the script for peoples lives and just took a rubber stamp and plonk plonk plonk plonk plonk... .Who teaches these people 'the way'? Is there another website called '100 ways to be a successful BPDer'. So many people across the globe having similar... .actually carbon copy experiences. I'm astounded every day in every way.

Sorry TurbanCowboy, welcome to the family. Discovering BPD is like someone pulled off the blindfold you've been wearing for 10years... ."Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". Then you wished you could put it back on really quickly.

My guess is that you've read a good amount and starting to understand the behaviours. The other man validates her... .why?... .because he can as he doesn't have to live with the craziness and she will not reveal her chaotic behaviour until he's knee deep in the proverbial.

Importantly, what is happening with your son? Are you maintaining access to him and he's being cared for effectively? BPD doesn't necessarily make for being a bad mother although it's a good idea to read up on things like Parental alienation, trauma reenactment and other things regarding borderline mothers.

How do you want to move forward with this? Do you hope for reconciliation or do you wish to continue down the path of separation/divorce? 

[TurbanCowboy]

My wife functions very well and has a good job.  The plan is for me to get him every other weekend because the logistics won't allow for an alternate plan.  She has said I could have joint physical whenever I would want it but I can't hold her accountable for anything she says.  She could even try and move to another state at some point with him, I wouldn't put it past her.  Having said that, she can't be blamed for anything, I know she wouldn't want to be on the hook for our boy if this all screws him up.

As soon as I announced I was finally moving out she announced 3 weeks of vacation this month(running from the pain) and she also insists on selling the house now in January and getting an apartment near where this guy lives which takes my son even further from me.  She wants me to eat half the mortgage until the house sells when this entire mess is on her shoulders.

I knew this guy she was seeing in some capacity had a divorce to his credit and a son, I also learned today he has another divorce in another state 3 years ago.  I can't believe this nonsense.  Our lives are being turned upside down because my wife before we even have a separation agreement is now in love with a guy who's been divorced twice in the last 6 years and has at least one kid who lives thousands of miles away? What?  I sent my wife a text today to see if she was even aware of the second divorce.  No response.

It's a tough situation because I do love my wife and obviously I want to be in my son's life.  I would never take her back unless she agreed to the DBT.  If she was unwilling to admit there might be a problem here that requires a special therapy, no way. 

A lot of damage has been done.  Her family doesn't want me around anymore and my my family doesn't want me staying with her.  Lots of bridges have been burned.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi TurbanCowboy,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to the site.  It's good that you found us.  Ten years and a 4 year old son.  That's a lot of investment on your part emotionally.  I can't say I'm surprised that if the behaviours were ongoing from early in the r/s and continued throughout that you would find yourself at the end of your tether.  :)id you feel that you 'bottled' a lot of emotion until the point where you started to show your anger as you describe?  Frustration pent up has a way of surfacing.  Even the calmest most laid back person would find themselves past their limit for tolerance with enough exposure to drama and unreasonable behaviour, both of which can be in abundance in a BPD r/s.  

Do you have a therapist you can work with to help you to regulate yourself now whilst things are raw and to return to your own baseline emotionally over time?  I'm glad you recognise that there is a question mark over your own emotional health which may have been a factor in moving so fast in the r/s at the outset.  That sort of insight can be really helpful in aiding you moving forwards with awareness and starting in time to address this to enable a more positive future for yourself.  We all reach that point of self inventory at some stage in this process.  

Regards your son, are there any formal arrangements in place?  I'd advise you to take some legal advice if you're able, to ensure that you can be a regular presence in his life no matter how things go between the two of you.  You may benefit from posting about that on the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board.  There is a lot of help to be found there.

How are things when you collect your son?  The Tools section on the main header above has some helpful ways to improve communication so that you are able to keep things calm and civil in front of your child, which would be beneficial for him and yourself, to reduce the tension.  

Keep reading and posting.  There is a lot of helpful info here and we can help you to find what you are looking for.  Try not to beat yourself up about losing your temper.  It happens to the best of us.  It's great that you recognise this and wish to solve it.  The time and space away from the r/s will be helpful and plenty of perspective on BPD.

Love and light x

[blueblue12]

Feel for you TurbanCowboy, take care, look after yourself and your son. The poking I experienced as well, always trying and trying to engage you in some argument. I used to avoided those so strongly but she still tried and tried no matter what. I used to hate those moments, and there were many over the years. I was also involved for a decade with my ex. It lasted because I basically put up with it until she left me.

My T explained some of the behaviours I experienced the following way, it may make sense in your scenario as well:

“The way she spoke to you using cruel words at the end of your marriage, well she was basically blowing you up. She loved you, but she was hurting you. But it's not about you, she is hurting herself, but you are the symptom, not the cause. It's a hard position to understand, it's not trusting that the story that you are telling is reliable, but the problem is that they will keep pushing you until you become unreliable. For example it’s like you may say ‘you know that I will never hit you’, but one day they will hit you, hit you, hit you and you will hit back and they will go see? I told you that you are mean to me, I told you would hit me. It's this terrible behaviour that they engage you in. And that's why this is a rather crazy position to be in, because you may think, why would this person throw away the happiness that exists in our marriage? But they do that, they throw the gold away and keep the sand!”

Take care TurbanCowboy. Find a good T that really understands BPD and work on yourself, on recovering from this long ordeal you have lived in. I am trying as well.