What did you sacrifice or lose?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

What have you lost? I dont mean anything abstract like soulmate, love of my life etc etc, but something real. For example you lost your health and you are taking bunch of pills. You lost your house or your savings. You lost your friends or family (they left you because they didnt tolerate your ex)

I didnt lose myself a lot (though i cant say that it wont have any effect to my health in the future). My relationship wasnt very long. Little less than 1,5 years and some months more if i consider months where i tried to save her.
Financially i lost money, but not so significantly. I avoided buying summer cottage or summer apartment together what she wanted to do.
When i was together with her i started to have some strange health problems because of stress i think. After break up i also had and still have some serious sleep problems once in a while.

So not that much really, but i have thought, and a lot, what would have been differently if i would have married her. I think she would have used all my money and savings. Literally. It makes me little bit happy when im thinking that my replacement has no money and now she has to spend all that money herself (of course, life is so unpredictable and i wouldnt be surprised if my replacement would win from lottery).
I think i would have lost also my health.

What about you?

[happendtome]

What have you lost? I dont mean anything abstract like soulmate, love of my life etc etc, but something real. For example you lost your health and you are taking bunch of pills. You lost your house or your savings. You lost your friends or family (they left you because they didnt tolerate your ex)

I didnt lose myself a lot (though i cant say that it wont have any effect to my health in the future). My relationship wasnt very long. Little less than 1,5 years and some months more if i consider months where i tried to save her.
Financially i lost money, but not so significantly. I avoided buying summer cottage or summer apartment together what she wanted to do.
When i was together with her i started to have some strange health problems because of stress i think. After break up i also had and still have some serious sleep problems once in a while.

So not that much really, but i have thought, and a lot, what would have been differently if i would have married her. I think she would have used all my money and savings. Literally. It makes me little bit happy when im thinking that my replacement has no money and now she has to spend all that money herself (of course, life is so unpredictable and i wouldnt be surprised if my replacement would win from lottery).
I think i would have lost also my health.

What about you?

[once removed]

are you asking for examples of people that have gone on to "greater things", or an inventory of what they lost?

[happendtome]

Someone here shared his story where he lost quite everything. His house, his savings, his dignity. And then here are so many people who hasnt lost basically anything because they got out early.
The problem is that those who got lucky (maybe i belong to this group too) doesnt really know how lucky they are and they keep asking "what if-s". But instead of asking "what if i would have been better and saved our relationship" we should pay attention to other "what if-s" too.
So, if we would list all the negative sides, what would have become, if we would have stayed with our ex-s, then it may be lot easier to move on for us.

[Seenowayout]

I left my marriage for my now xBPDgf

I lost my home, and everything that went with it. My cds, my garden, my books, and my real casual moments with my children -- the ones that counted

I lost my "townies" -- those parents and neighbors and people that knew me as a dedicated husband dad and good guy. aquaintenances really, but important --people in my life that respected me. Who now think I'm a selfish jerk

I lost my religion. I can't forgive myself for what I did -- to my family  or to her. I couldn't make her happy. I tried so hard

I lost my self respect.

I lost myself -- the minute I met her

[Wolfsocks]

I lost:

1. My apartment
2. My town
3. Some of my friends because of the lies she told them
4. My health (while in the relationship)
5. My youth (I was with her from 17 to 27)

I (re)gained:
1. A wonderful new partner
2. A better relationship with my family
3. A new city with new jop options
4. Knowledge about personality disorders (BPD and codependency)
5. Freedom and health

[confused4now]

   I really appreciate this topic! I have graduated to this board since my divorce is final as of this week. I did not loose a lot of material things, probably because I demanded he leave and then started the divorce. I think this really gave me the upper hand.
   what I did loose is the FEELING of being in control. I also lost confidence in my appearance, abilities, strengths.  Until recently, I thought the worst thing I lost was of course good old TRUST. I just had a major ah ha moment in therapy this week.
   I realized for me personally,  I did not have much trust before I became involved with my ex. I did not trust myself, I did not trust my instincts. Very early on in the r/s I felt it was moving to fast and he was insincere. It was my gut feeling, and I ignored it. I denied my interpretation of the r/s. I handed over the reigns to him, switched off my feelings and tried to carry on. After 6 years of rewiring my brain to fit whatever chaos that was happening, I had nothing left to give or take.
   When we broke up I felt empty and alone. This has been a very crazy 4 months, but I have had many breakthroughs. I am starting to see the damage created by ignoring the million messages my body and mind were sending me that danger was near. This made it easy to blindly give my trust to a person that did not earn it. We all know how this ends... .Pain, confusion and lost of self left me shattered, now I must pick up the pieces and rebuild.
   I have hope that this storm will pass with help and hard work. I need to  rediscover and not let go of what I like about me, and replace the self destructive pieces with healthy options. The cost of this insight is indescribably, so I have earned my place in this journey of finding a happy and healthy me.




     
 

[happendtome]

Im glad to read these answers and i can only wish that people would pay more attention to these things. Not only here in this board, but generally. And even then when we are not dealing with someone who has BPD.

We have to take time out every now and then and see what is really good for us. Lately i have had lots of conversations (in real life) with people who are suffering in their relationships. I dont say they date BPD-s, they just doesnt match with each other and cant get out. They have children, mortgages, but also this shame, quilt. People are afraid to admit that they have failed. They are afraid what other people would think about them. Its sad.

But they have all made same mistake - they have rushed. You should be patient when dealing new things/people, because time is your biggest ally here. If you are not giving yourself time you end up eating antidepressants, your body doesnt function as it should, you will waste yourself heavily.

Dont lose yourself, but find yourself. Close that chapter what makes you unhappy, start a new one.

[gotbushels]

Hi happendtome  

So, if we would list all the negative sides, what would have become, if we would have stayed with our ex-s, then it may be lot easier to move on for us.

A good idea. I'd like to share that I probably would have been less healthy physically. I came to learn that caretaking has a toll on the body.

[itgetsbetter94]

I lost my previous relationship, I left my previous fiance when I met my now BPDex. He really rushed me into doing that, but ofc, it was my decision after all.
I talked a lot about that with my T. I feel remorse, guilt and shame for leaving my previous r/s (that lasted 5 years, we lived together for 2 years and were engaged for the last 2). My T told me from the day one "if you really loved your previous fiance, you would never think about marrying the BPD one. You would maybe have a ONS with him, or a short relationship on the side, but you won't be considering marriage. You can't love two people at the same time. It the r/s with now exBPDbf worked, you wouldn't even remember your previous bf. "
Though she's right, I cannot help myself than feel guilty and like I made a huge mistake. I often contemplate about my previous r/s. I honestly can say that I loved him and wanted him to be the one, held him on a throne for 5 years, called him Mister Darcy, wanted him to be my Mr. Darcy or at least 1/5 of it. But he began taking me more and more for granted. He was always extremely frugal with money (or plain- cheap) and when we started living together (at my place) that really showed. Few days before I met my now BPD ex, he was annoyed with me that I asked him to buy me a pudding after returning from the work. He resented me that he needed to spend 1$ for my pudding and that I made him stop at the supermarket.  This is only a drop in the ocean.
Few ways later, I met lavishing BPD ex who showered me with gifts upon gifts, bought me an engagement ring the fourth day after we met, made me his top priority. (I was NEVER the kept woman in any r/s. For example, my ex-ex lived in my apartment, drove my car, if anything he was kept my ME).
But it was nice, for a change, to have someone who is not cheap and who was willing to spend money on you.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I was with my now exBPD\NPDh for almost 20 years. I divorced him a couple of years ago. During that emotionally abusive marriage, I lost myself. I didn't know who I was. I lost my self esteem or what little I already had. I lost friends from being isolated. I lost my intuition. I doubted myself, my sanity constantly. I lost hope. I lost trust. If I had stayed, I would have lost my life. It would have killed me, to be quite honest. I was becoming suicidal.

Since divorcing him, I found myself. I know who I am now and I am working on embracing me in all my weird and wonderful glory.  I also found the love of my life. Someone who is truly genuinely there for me "simply" because he loves me for who I am. He actually "sees" me. He has seen me in my worst moments and stayed there with me. I found a better relationship with my children. I am there for them now and can help them and guide them instead of dissociating. I found a new life showing my children what healthy people in a healthy relationship looks like, something I never had until now.  I found hope. I found trust. I found life.

[mitti]

I think this is a great exercise and can probably help others. So this is my inventory list of what I lost and gained

I was with, in some fashion, with my uBPDxbf about 8,5 years. There were many breaks and breakups. Another woman he was dating during one break harassed and stalked me for over 2 years.

LOST
Money (not my life savings but enough to affect my economy)
Health (lots of stress symptoms and almost constant anxiety)
My circle of friends
Specific best friends
My job
My reputation (he smeared me around people connected to my work)
Certain places I can no longer go to bc PTSD
Personal items that he refused to return
Life interest and most important hobby
My faith (a blessing in disguise as I totally shifted my world view)
Self-esteem

GAINED
Insight into my own core issue
Understanding of PDs in general and how they affect everybody
My self
A new world-view
Freedom

[Jeffree]

Lost:
- 2 jobs due to all the drama she caused me during my workdays
- $50K from 401k to keep things going in the house during my unemployed states
- My credit due to impending bankruptcy
- Sleep/Health

Gained:
- 2 years of extra time with my dad, as I would leave the house on weekends to stay with him.
- Peace of mind
- Control over my future
- A clear head where I finally realized what I want to do for my next job
- 2 great step kids and a wonderful English Lab.

Yeah, most of what I lost can be replaced. What bugs me the most is the lost years of my life. When I was in the thick of it, I kept thinking, "This is no way to spend the back end of my life, what should be my golden years." What a waste!

J

[Maxpax2011]

What have you lost? I dont mean anything abstract like soulmate, love of my life etc etc, but something real. For example you lost your health and you are taking bunch of pills. You lost your house or your savings. You lost your friends or family (they left you because they didnt tolerate your ex)

I didnt lose myself a lot (though i cant say that it wont have any effect to my health in the future). My relationship wasnt very long. Little less than 1,5 years and some months more if i consider months where i tried to save her.
Financially i lost money, but not so significantly. I avoided buying summer cottage or summer apartment together what she wanted to do.
When i was together with her i started to have some strange health problems because of stress i think. After break up i also had and still have some serious sleep problems once in a while.

So not that much really, but i have thought, and a lot, what would have been differently if i would have married her. I think she would have used all my money and savings. Literally. It makes me little bit happy when im thinking that my replacement has no money and now she has to spend all that money herself (of course, life is so unpredictable and i wouldnt be surprised if my replacement would win from lottery).
I think i would have lost also my health.

What about you?

I was close to her daughter, sweet little blonde girl, her and my dog Max loved being together, I knew when I left I would never see her again, I still think about her, and how she used to yell at me from the house when I would pull in the drive way. The ex-BPD never let me see her again, two months after the break up she was already with another guy and posted pics of him with her daughter on Facebook as away of showing me I was completely replaced, I deleted my Facebook shortly after that, been no contact for over a month.

[I Am Redeemed]

I lost:
1.custody of my 5 oldest children (I still have my youngest, only because I finally realized that I had to leave because my BPDh was Not going to change)
2. Time and relationship with my kids (because they don't live with me and I rarely see them. Hoping to change that soon)
3. Some of my physical appearance ( I have scars and broken bones that didn't heal correctly because of his violence and my fear of seeking medical treatment, mostly to keep him from going to jail)
4. My self esteem (which wasn't great to begin with)
5. My ability to make normal decisions without worrying about his reaction (even now, although I left him and he is in jail because I finally broke the silence)
6. My sobriety (because I stopped maintaining my recovery program, then became isolated and depressed, and when he brought my doc into the house and used it in front of me, I cracked and relapsed)
7. My ability to think for myself, respect myself, love myself, take care of myself
8. Physical and mental health( due to stress and abuse)
9. Sleep ( because he wanted me to stay up and take care of him, or he ranted at me for hours, or because anxiety kept me awake)
10. Any sliver of resemblance to a "peaceful mind"

[tiki]

I feel the happiness that I can feel on my own and am capable of feeling on my own was taken from me. I feel like my ability to even think about my own self was taken. So I guess time and sanity.

I’m sorry to everyone who lost so much.

[crushedagain]

I lost my will, my drive. I hope to regain it. I feel like a shell of my former self. I wish I felt better about things now that she's gone, like many others do, but I don't.

[jo19854]

I lost my will, my drive. I hope to regain it. I feel like a shell of my former self. I wish I felt better about things now that she's gone, like many others do, but I don't.

I was thinking, but above describes it very well.

Besides being a broken man, my health was never so bad. I was a fast runner, a worker, 5 foot 10, 165 pounds. Now 190 pounds, cant even walk 5 miles. My muscles are gone, my heart rate is too high, my stomach gives me trouble.
Recently diagnosed with Persistant Complex Grief disorder and PTSS. Shaking, sometimes blackouts.
I have no energy and have no goals. Lost over 100,000 US dollars and my social life is a mess.
I have only three (real good) friends left, all other nice-weather friends and acquaintances are gone.

[JNChell]

Seeing my Son everyday, a bought and paid for vehicle, all of my house hold items because I refuse to ever go to her place again and she is gladly keeping my things, a good credit rating, some very good friends with whom I was like family with. I was Uncle (my name) to their kids. The ex is now besties with them. I had her around them a lot. I’m glad she was only around the friends I’m currently staying with a few times. I believe that they would’ve seen right through her anyway. It kind of makes sense. She sabotaged a couple of get togethers with them. She probably knew that I have real support here.