Frayed on all fronts

[Chop]

So a month down the line, and I still feel as if a steam-roller has flattened me.  I have flown my brother out from S. Africa to keep an eye on the house & dogs so that I can keep working through a busy period here in the UK.  My whole world was theatened verbally, and I was then alledged  to have repeatedly assualted and also repeatedly raped my ex partner throughout the relationship etc etc.  
My ex then spent a week living out a car I had bought him 18mths prior as no family were good enough/would have him.  He still has no license to drive the car, but repeatedly did to get to and fro the off license.  10 days later he hospitalised himself only to bolt as he overheard the doctors discussing a section order.  Readmitted himself that evening to an alternate hospital, played ball in order to get the pain relief from the drunken stomach and diazzepan for the nerves.
The relationship lasted 2 years 3 months and was constantly tumultous after the first three months.  Everything cited as anxiety that was well managed but for me & my inability to show the right care, reassurance and compassion required.  That all escallated pretty quickly to a weekly rotation of 5 definate raging nights a week and a hopeful/possible 2 OK nights a week.  I kept being blamed for "running him down in the street" with endless disrespects I was always eminating in some way or another, and then "driving off without cleaning up my mess" as he put it.   That the realtionship was always worth working on and eventually he would settle when enough good was poured onto all this bad I kept issueing.  That I was never prepared to reach a resolution after every argument/issue ... .and practically everything had become an issue/argument.  I just could not understand the speed at which issues arose, that the incident could cause so many issues, that my timing could be so utterly useless.  My previous relationship had been twenty years without any of this chaos.  Very supportive and both highly functional and loving.      

Pity that at his age he has not recieved any helpful diagnosis that might help him reflect a little on the rotation that just repeats.  Pity I only started getting more informed when I thought I was going to finally go mad, and I was losing all desire to go home at night (especially Friday nights).   Pity for all this madness and constant drama.  

If I did not engage, I was apathetic.  If I did engage I was apparently fuel to more mania.    

I am hoping that I am just going to slot back into my normal now and get my sleep pattern back (we lost any pattern to life/sleep/food/living environment) all due to the constant ("read" as he called it) that I would get from him.  Monologue comming at you with varying degrees of mania.  God I am wiped-out by the last two years.  Chaos, calamity and dysfunction were new family members to my life and they just seem to walk through my door in one human being.  Even my dogs (owned prior to this relationship) learnt to walk on eggshells.

I am sure he would have so much to say hearing my opinion above ... .   
Nothing is left unpunnished, and everything is apparently unjustly metered on him.  
Similarly he has worked his way through the health oumbadsman, education oumbadsman and the financial oumbadsman with the constant arguments he has felt necessary to keep brewing on these western fronts (aside from those within our four walls) just in the two years that we have know each other.  To meet him you would not get drama immediatley ... .it kind of insidiously starts taking a grip without you initially detecting the fault lines that lie underfoot.  Only when they cross over below and you are fully entrapped does he blow the bridge seemingly intentionally to put himself in some kind of percieved credit, and me in some kind of dog-box.

What an utter waiste of precious time, effort and care.  I can't say I am heartbroken, which almost makes sense to me after what feels like endless abuse and manipulation.   I am however, still emotionally stunned by the whole experience and hope that daze is going to clear at some stage.  I would rather be heartbroken, as that might make more sense of my care, money and irretrievable time.  

There is only text contact now, and he wants to be dumped in person (as he left in the back of an ambulance to be checked over after a 7 hour sobriety wait for claimed assualt) so an official verbal break up did not happen.  Says that his anxiety requires this before he can move on.  Says that he was not in his right mind when all this kicked off.  Says he loves me, and misses the hell out of our relationship.   How the hell can he... .?  It was a total nightmare on reflection and being able to stand to one side of that chaotic wheel that just spun faster and faster leaving more hurt and insult with each spin.  He says I am not a keeper and that he would never have let this last incedent break us.  Then he says that I probably engineered it in order to get rid of him.  Why can't I rememeber much good within the relationship? --- there must have been as I'm not a dunce.  I just feel dazed and ten years older than I did before the two year realtionship.  

Ok folks --- don't spare me, I'm big & all grown at 45 years stupid -  open to all arguments so any advice, thoughts or critisizm is fine by me.

My replies on text to him are as minimal as I can keep them, only where info or detail is absolutley required so that I am not guilty of wrong doing or sabotaging his world by witholding. (still BPD at play)
        

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Chop and welcome 

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  I can hear the emotional exhaustion resonating through your words.  Boy do I know what that is like, as do the majority if not all of the members here.  You're in good company and no we won't let rip on you.  There is no judgement here.  We're all healing from chaotic and painful relationships, so equals on every front and here to support one another. 

I do have a couple of questions for you.  What are you discussing by text and is it necessary?  Eg finances, legal matters, joint interests etc.  The reason I ask is that as long as you are open to hearing his views and giving yours on the relationship, this drags out and continues the emotional drain.  I speak from having gone LC (low contact) for a while post r/s breakup and can remember how much relief I felt when I wasn't hearing from him.  Being flattened by a steam roller takes some getting up from and I'm glad you're seeking support here.  Do you also have a therapist/friends/family whom you can talk to about what you've experienced and how you are doing in recovering from this?  So much drama and dysfunction takes it's toll on even the strongest person.  I too felt I'd aged more than my years and my r/s wasn't as long as yours, so I feel for you. 

Lastly, what's the situation now with all of the allegations and police involvement with the both of you?  I'm sure you'd like to move forwards from all of this and be free of lasting reminders.  I hope that you are in a position to do so without prolonged legalities to deal with. 

Regards working through the aftermath, what I can tell you is it doesn't happen overnight but things do get better and there is life after BPD.  The articles and lessons to the right are a great starting point when you're ready to explore.  The information on this site is free of the urban myths you may find elsewhere online and is really helpful.  Also, reading others' posts will help you to see you're far from alone in how you feel and that you will go through stages of different emotions.  This is to be expected and we'll be here as much as you need somewhere to vent.  Take full advantage.  It was a life saver for me when I was feeling like I had nothing left of myself. 

Love and light x     

[Chop]

Hey Harley
Thanks for the salaams on this platform! 
In response to your Q's ... .the lenghthy texting is from him.  He is determined to refocus my thinking toward ambivilent & anxious attachement as the issues he had that grew out of control within our relationship.  This is new communication, as all the texts were to tell me that he did not want to be defined by the incident with the cops etc and that would ruminate with him if we did not at least talk it through.  He also communicates that he was unaware that I was so unhappy within the relationship --- which has been very clearly communicated directly & through joint therapy sessions.  He does not see himself as BPD, only the ambivelent & anxious attachment issues.  He says he is missing me and the household terribly and that his mental health is deteriorating everyday being apart & without contact.
I had text once he was sober and starting to surface back on me that I was taking as much space & time to restablish self/environment & working routines as they should be.  Aside from essential communication like "titles" & docs etc I do not respond.  He is saying that we have to meet soon to do this talk, to be fair to him & his mental health ongoing.  I just don't feel ready to see him, I still feel zapped.
I have my brother still with me over from SA who is great in terms of support and I am running back to a regular working routine/time which is all I knew before this relationship - so that is good for me.
But this tired I have never felt before --- even with the decent sleep I now get in the household.  I percieve that this exhaustion will fade with a bit more time/rest & normal.

On the police side --- my ex never formally charged for these allegations, and has subsequently apologized (via text) saying that he was "not in his right mind and that he has a personality that cannot just cope, gets scared and will then do stupid things. Like drinking & smoking weed".
The cops did say that I would be contacted for a voluntary statement a few days after the incident --- but they never made contact ( I can only assume as this was their second involvement in this relationship). 

I have agreed to a meeting when I can/am able and was looking to get that done after the 16th.  He has another driving test then, and I will be responsible for him failing if we meet before --- as he cannot function on his tumultuos emotions, which will be my fault/the meetings fault.   
My agenda for any meeting still needs clear formulation as I really do not want to be drawn into how unhelpful I am being to his metal health by being apart and how sorry he is for everything.  Also the circular "so what part did you play in it all"  I know that I would want specific answers to specific things that came out during the last week that make me question my original character judgment & just make sense a little of the person that I obviously did not know.  I think that would help me over time as I piece the sense out of the time we spent.

Any thoughts folks 
     

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Chop,

How are things going?  Apologies for the late response.  What's the situation with the meeting up?  I'm wondering if you may have already gone ahead with this.  Give us an update when you can. 

Love and light x