Fighting the urge

[snowmonkey]

It has been a few months since I last saw my exBPDgf. She has tried to contact me a few times since then but I resisted the urge to reply and I let those opportunities pass.

That last time I saw her was very bittersweet. We spent an amazing night together and then went out for breakfast in the morning together, telling each other the most beautiful things and finally kissing one last time before I escaped.

At that time we both had started new relationships, although I was certain that I could have taken her back. But also at that time I knew that she would not change. My God I craved her and she craved me also. I was all shinning white in her eyes once more and even though I was cheating on my new gf, I somehow had a healthy view of who my BPDexgf was and what would become of us if I returned to her. So I left it at that I didn't look back.

Moving forward to today and I'm absolutely fighting the urge to contact my BPDex again. The relationship I am in has been long distance and not the easiest but my flights are booked to be with her again in just a week. I woke this morning from a terrible dream of my ex, crying and longing for her. Daily, the thoughts of her have been more and more on my mind. I don't know why this is, as my form of no contact is utter and absolute. No glancing at FB, no looking at old photos of her, nothing. Indeed I try my best to avoid thinking about her at all. But it has reached the point that I can't stop thinking about her. Hence, I am here.

Can anyone explain why it is getting harder and not easier? I don't even know what I would say to her if I called. I don't even think I want anything from her. Although maybe I do. I'm just not sure. Yesterday I did the first thing that could even remotely be considered breaking no contact; I went to a shopping mall that very occasionally she would also go to. Of course I didn't see her, but I went in the knowledge that there was a very small potential to do so. There are vast areas of my city with a population 2+ million that I simply never go because I avoid her at all costs. But I feel myself needing her more and more.

Anyone have advice or comments please?

[hope2727]

I think sometimes I miss mine most when I am depleted, run down, ill or tired. I miss his smile and laugh. I miss all the positive things we had together. However, then I remember the bad stuff. His affairs, his lies, his violence. That usually helps me overcome the grief. I think of it as an addiction. Just like drugs there will always be days when the cravings hit hard. Its ok to miss them. Its ok to love them. But I don't want to go back to my drug of choice. It was to destructive. IF your current relationship isn't the right one thats ok. It doesn't mean that your ex would be a better option. It just means that you have some adventures yet to be lived and people yet to be met. Ok well I hope you are feeling better.

[itgetsbetter94]

Dear Snowmonkey, do yourself a favor and read your old posts on this forum, from the day one. Just read them.

[once removed]

Daily, the thoughts of her have been more and more on my mind. I don't know why this is, as my form of no contact is utter and absolute. No glancing at FB, no looking at old photos of her, nothing. Indeed I try my best to avoid thinking about her at all. But it has reached the point that I can't stop thinking about her. Can anyone explain why it is getting harder and not easier?

because no contact is a tool for detaching, but it isnt the same as letting go, and it can be fraught with peril and anxiety.

neither is getting into a new relationship the same as letting go, and it can also be fraught with peril especially when grief is not resolved.

bottom line? youre attached and not committed to letting go - and im not telling you that you have to be otherwise, but that these methods are prolonging your grief, and keeping you attached to pain. 

[tryingsome]

At that time we both had started new relationships, although I was certain that I could have taken her back. But also at that time I knew that she would not change. My God I craved her and she craved me also. I was all shinning white in her eyes once more and even though I was cheating on my new gf,

Sometimes I believe we think upon them with our own eyes rather than theirs. What I mean here is maybe she craves you the most when you are not available; maybe it is the thought she can have you when she shouldn't be able to? Just a thought.

I know my ex responds most favorably to me when I am 'taken'. I believe it is the chase more than the capture. My ex is the same with all the men in her life; the more attractive and spoken for they are, the more she tries to wiggle in those men's lives. For me, taking her back I think is her plan all along... .just to see if it were possible.  Are we just objects... .something to consider if you allow it.

I am not saying this is the case here, this is your story after all. But as many of the articles found here mention, we don't truly know what pwBPD are thinking or their motivations. I kind of surmise it is the opposite of everything I would do and think. Usually that kind of keeps the surprises at bay.

[Ragnarok4]

They idealize us that makes us feel so alive and different from any other experience but remember that its false. Its hard to accept but the NC will take some time. When they go back to that idealization phase, its like they're absorbing your soul in such a good way when it really is bad behind the curtain. There intention is only for themselves, not for you. The struggle truly is real. I still fight it daily. I'm sure we all do.

[MeandThee29]

When they go back to that idealization phase, its like they're absorbing your soul in such a good way when it really is bad behind the curtain. There intention is only for themselves, not for you. The struggle truly is real. I still fight it daily. I'm sure we all do.

My counsellor stressed that reconciliation has to involve a slow build-up of working through the issues that caused the split and a rebuilding of trust for it to be effective. We both have to be in individual counselling too.

At times everything within me doesn't want it that way, but I know that she's right.

[Ragnarok4]

My counsellor stressed that reconciliation has to involve a slow build-up of working through the issues that caused the split and a rebuilding of trust for it to be effective. We both have to be in individual counselling too.

At times everything within me doesn't want it that way, but I know that she's right.

Not trying to be rude but I don't understand your reply as being relevant to my statement or this specific thread.

But to clarify, I do agree with your counselor that its a slow build up. Reconciliation  is key to any successful relationship. Whether its a friendship, relative or significant other, there will always be bad days, disagreements, etc. Its getting past those bad times, swallowing ones pride and accepting the truth on both ends that will make things better for either party.

Time + consistency = trust. I think its great that you and the other individual is seeking counseling. Just be patient. Some people's layers are thicker than others to peal. Keep it up.

Also I would like to ask this with your last statement. Is it for you or for them?