It's a start? Maybe?

[JustYouWait]

Got a call from our DD18 who is in residential treatment the other day, who said that she is approaching "the fence".  Apparently, "the fence" is that part of treatment where she begins to figure out the "why" of her suicidal, self-harm, and/or bad feelings.

They call it the fence because she either decides to climb over it and begin to get better, or allow the fence to keep her penned in.

She said, "I need to figure it out, because the answer 'I don't know" isn't working anymore."

So, there's that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hello Justyouwait

I agree, this is a start, and a big step for your DD. Admitting to you that her " I don't know " response isn't working, was huge. My experience ( and I have 34 years of it ) tells me to tread lightly, a BPD tends to spook easily. And by that I mean, they start to feel good and then become very cautious and suspicious of everything good. I would keep a very non-chalant demeanor, but still encourage her to move forward.
Best of luck to you and your DD.

[JustYouWait]

Hello Justyouwait

I would keep a very non-chalant demeanor, but still encourage her to move forward.
Best of luck to you and your DD.

Thanks for this advice.  That is precisely what I did.  I said something like, "Well good.  I'm glad you have reached this step.  It's up to you from here on."

Here's to hoping; being cautiously optimistic... .

[MomMae]

Hello JustYouWait!  I am so pleased to hear that your daughter is becoming self-aware!  Just as tristesse said, and you are doing, what has worked for me with my BPD dd just turned 21, is just listening, listening, listening, and saying very little besides a touch of positive reinforcement here and there.  My nature is to want to jump in and help solve, offer suggestions, etc., but this often resulted in her shutting down, or worse, retreating in anger. 

My daughter and I have now been in a pretty good place for several months, after a very tumultuous year full of one crisis after another (and several years before that where the crisis would be on and off).  We talk and I do offer a little bit of advice (after all, every young adult needs guidance!), but I am, oh, so careful how I word it... .It is interspersed with a lot of, maybe you could try this... .and I don't know how you feel about this, but maybe... .and then I back off.  More often then not lately she will take a tidbit of that advice and run with it.  Things are by no means perfect; there has been an awful lot of radical acceptance on our part and the packing away of the dreams we had for our beautiful and intelligent daughter... .but that is life.  We can't write the script, we just have to make the best of what we are handed and not fight it. 

As you know, JYW, this forum is a godsend! Without it I am sure I would still be trying to "solve things" and be in very low contact with my daughter.  I am a type A personality, so radical acceptance does not come naturally to me, !

All the best to you, JYW!  I have enjoyed reading your posts since you joined the board and I hope we will hear a lot more from you in the future- you have a lot to offer!    MomMae