Distressing Email

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Things have been going better. I am still facing the challenges of my own anxiety and depression, but I have felt mostly moved on from the issues of the relationship. I've met a challenge today though that has spiked my anxiety a lot, and I could use some support. Maybe it's a message too that I need to check in where I'm at with recovery. Maybe I am still too concerned with what she thinks or something along those lines.
I passed by my expwBPD a little earlier in public. It didn't phase me that much. It seemed like neither one of us wanted to say hi--no big deal. But I got an email from her a little later. She said she is proud of me for bringing down that whore, [blank], she deserves everything she gets. The email address of the sender is mrs(mylastname) and the email is signed "mom". She knows my mom is dead. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, I don't know, but it was a weird feeling seeing this in my inbox, thinking it was from my stepmom, or in a distant way from my mom for a split second. She also attached a screenshot of some sort of search results with my personal information. I just needed to share to get some kind of support and try to calm myself down. I'm really upset and shaking.
I guess a lot of it is being upset/feeling protective about my mom. I am also disturbed by the insanity of the message. I guess I am a little bothered too that she thinks I brought her down, but I know it's not true. I'm just rattled.
I am having a hard time thinking straight, but I guess my plan is to try and not take the message personally, to have inner strength and choose not to take on her issues. I am also planning on deleting the message and not replying. Thanks--I needed to reach out. Let me end by expressing gratitude for the people on this board. It's helpful to have people who understand. I keep coming back here because I continue to find it healing to relate to others. Whew! What a doozy.

[vanx]

Things have been going better. I am still facing the challenges of my own anxiety and depression, but I have felt mostly moved on from the issues of the relationship. I've met a challenge today though that has spiked my anxiety a lot, and I could use some support. Maybe it's a message too that I need to check in where I'm at with recovery. Maybe I am still too concerned with what she thinks or something along those lines.
I passed by my expwBPD a little earlier in public. It didn't phase me that much. It seemed like neither one of us wanted to say hi--no big deal. But I got an email from her a little later. She said she is proud of me for bringing down that whore, [blank], she deserves everything she gets. The email address of the sender is mrs(mylastname) and the email is signed "mom". She knows my mom is dead. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, I don't know, but it was a weird feeling seeing this in my inbox, thinking it was from my stepmom, or in a distant way from my mom for a split second. She also attached a screenshot of some sort of search results with my personal information. I just needed to share to get some kind of support and try to calm myself down. I'm really upset and shaking.
I guess a lot of it is being upset/feeling protective about my mom. I am also disturbed by the insanity of the message. I guess I am a little bothered too that she thinks I brought her down, but I know it's not true. I'm just rattled.
I am having a hard time thinking straight, but I guess my plan is to try and not take the message personally, to have inner strength and choose not to take on her issues. I am also planning on deleting the message and not replying. Thanks--I needed to reach out. Let me end by expressing gratitude for the people on this board. It's helpful to have people who understand. I keep coming back here because I continue to find it healing to relate to others. Whew! What a doozy.

[Turkish]

That sounds deliberative and cruel,  given the email address.  That's hurtful. The cynical and dark part of me would want to respond,  but that would be playing a game.  Congratulations for deciding not to play.  I'm thinking the movie War Games... .

[Justbecause]

That is awful, I am so sorry. That is a very twisted person and you are best off well away from her

[vanx]

Turkish and Justbecause, thank you for your support. Maybe you are right that it's deliberative and cruel. It was definitely not very sensitive. War Games  yes good analogy there. I feel better today though. I remembered that she is reacting to an old wound. It became easier to not take it personally.

[toomanydogs]

I agree with Turkish and Justbecause, this is a twisted, deliberately cruel email. Keep hanging on to just how intentionally cruel this woman just was to you.

An aside: I have a cockatiel that shares a name with a man who used to be a friend/employee of my H and me. This friend died a few years ago, and before he left my H used to always address the cockatiel by the friend's name and then laugh, saying this man had come back as a bird.

The deliberate nature of the cruelty your ex shows is alarming. And I agree you're better off without her and you're better off as far away as possible. TMD

[once removed]

she (your ex) sent an email addressed as your mother, congratulating you for bringing her (your ex) down, do i have that right? what in the world is she referring to?

[Justbecause]

she (your ex) sent an email addressed as your mother, congratulating you for bringing her (your ex) down, do i have that right? what in the world is she referring to?

Let freud loose on that, it's unbelievably cruel.

[Radcliff]

Hi Vanx,

Sorry, I'm not up on your history, how long ago did you separate?  If you haven't deleted that e-mail, it might be good to hang onto it, perhaps in an out of the way folder where you don't have to look at it.  Our pwBPD sometimes try to desperately control things so they don't feel out of control and so they don't feel their pain.  Seeing you might have tickled that old reflex in your ex.  Hopefully that sort of things happens less and less over time.  I asked how long ago you separated, since if it was recent, you might see more of what you just saw, and documenting things may eventually help in case you need assistance protecting yourself from the behaviors.  But hopefully this is just a passing thing.  Your efforts to not take it personally are spot on.  Clearly the message is "out there," but when it hits so close to home I know it's still hard to screen it out.  It sounds like you're getting on top of it though -- good for you.

WW

[vanx]

Toomanydogs, thank you. Huh, yes, that is an unusual situation with your deceased friend and the cockatiel. It sounds like you can relate to the strange feeling of someone departed being kind of recalled to you. I appreciate your kind words and support!

Wentworth, thank you for your comments. The way you explain the BPD perspective makes a lot of sense. It helps me maintain compassion for her, in a way that is beneficial to my own well being. I appreciate your empathy--it did hit close to home, but one thing I've learned from this is even so, I have some power to make choices and take care of myself. I don't want to forget that lesson, because that was a big takeaway!
We split a little over a year ago. Before I blocked her email, I was cced on some other emails of hers addressed to other people. I suspect you are right that the run in triggered it, and I think it will not be common, but I appreciate your input about keeping a record. I had not thought of that and it is sound advice.

she (your ex) sent an email addressed as your mother, congratulating you for bringing her (your ex) down, do i have that right? what in the world is she referring to?

Onceremoved, thanks for asking--this is a good question. I am laughing to myself because it is kind of confusing, isn't it? You have it right though. My guess is she probably felt some sense of rejection from me based in part on rejection she felt when she quit work, feeling shamed and persecuted by our boss. Also, even though we attempted to reconcile, there was still a lot of discomfort between us, so maybe she is referring to how I would avoid her out of discomfort, which is not something I'm proud of. Overall, based on her messages to other people too, I think she includes me as one of the group of people she says is trying to bring her down and damage her sanity.
I have received a number of emails from her as one of many people cced, among a group of her ex roommates, lovers, friends, and some of her family. It's hard to explain, but I know creative writing is her passion--she is talented and I admired her skill. Her emails are very stylized, emphatic, and arcane. She goes on about elaborate plots against her, and cracks a lot of sardonic jokes. It's hard to tell if she is being creative, because maybe that helps her express herself, or if she is having a serious episode. I guess it is probably quite serious in the sense of her psychic pain and being bothered by these circumstances. My hope is that since she has included family in the emails, that they might intervene. Sorry, I am probably over-answering your question, but I wanted to take a minute to write this out.
Why she called herself Mrs.[vanx] and signed the email "mom", I don't know. I talked a lot with her about my mom, because she was receptive to it and it felt really safe to share. I think she did it because she knew it would hurt me, or get my attention. Or again, maybe she just thought it was creative/interesting to go about it that way, because I think she values that sort of thing very highly.
Whew, okay, I was giving some free reign to some of my thoughts here, and I do appreciate the feedback and questions. Justbecause, I know this is a serious matter and you were in earnest, but your remark about Freud cracked me up . I needed a good chuckle! Thanks for defending me against her unkindness. But again, I've learned on these boards not to be a victim, so I won't harp on it--getting a little of it off my chest here so I can keep on keeping on. Thanks!

[vanx]

She sent another email saying some mean things and something about going to the police--not really sure what she means. Will try to not read the emails from now on but retaining them as per Wentworth's suggestion. A little freaked out by the intensity--never saw her quite like this before. Could probably find info somewhere on the boards but wondering if there is a risk of escalating things by ignoring her? Should I try to succinctly diffuse the situation or is silence a good strategy?

[hope2727]

What a horrible thing to do to you. I am so sorry your ex is behaving this way. I suggest saving all the emails but not responding.

Could probably find info somewhere on the boards but wondering if there is a risk of escalating things by ignoring her? Should I try to succinctly diffuse the situation or is silence a good strategy?

Research extinction bursts. That will help you understand the escalation of her behaviour. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

hoping today is better for you.

[vanx]

hope2727, thank you so much for your support and for sharing this link. This is just the information I was seeking. I wish you well!

[vanx]

Wow, yes I just read through the thread and feel empowered and informed about what I need to do. Great stuff here--much appreciated.

[toomanydogs]

She sent another email saying some mean things and something about going to the police--not really sure what she means. Will try to not read the emails from now on but retaining them as per Wentworth's suggestion. A little freaked out by the intensity--never saw her quite like this before. Could probably find info somewhere on the boards but wondering if there is a risk of escalating things by ignoring her? Should I try to succinctly diffuse the situation or is silence a good strategy?

If you can ignore it, that may squelch it. In my experience with my H, when he's ignored, he may at first escalate the emails or social media posts but then, without any kind of feedback, he'll tend to stop. Not always. But generally.
Unfortunately, it's kind of hard to tell.
TMD

[vanx]

tomanydogs, thank you for your input from your personal experience. I think you have a wise perspective telling how it's hard to tell. I'm going to choose to ignore it for now. That feels best.

[Radcliff]

vanx, f.w.i.w., I think you're doing a great job of asking for advice, doing additional research, and applying it to handle your situation.  You've got this!

hope2727, nice link, thanks!  I'll add that to my bag of tricks

WW

[vanx]

Thanks, Wentworth