New here

[mc1313]

Hi all,

I am a new member here and am sort of looking for an outlet of people who understand where I am coming from.

I am 99% sure I have a BP mother.

As a senior in a very good college right now, I am getting ready to go to law school, graduate from undergrad in May, am 6 months into a relationship with a fantastic guy and should be excited and enjoying my life.

I am currently under the clutches of my BP mom who for most of my life I was extremely close to. I realize I was part of the problem in some ways and enabled her for a long time. During highschool, I wasn't a partier or anything like that and spent a lot of time with my mom, getting very close to her. I didn't begin to realize her codependency on me till I left for college. I am only one state away from my family but since I left for school I have come to understand how serious and intense my mom's condition is. Her behavior was always there but was disguised as love and concern which I now see as control.

The man I am currently dating now I met at school and started dating about 6 months ago (but we've known each other for over 2 years now). He treats me with absolute dignity and respect and is truly my best friend. Despite all of this, my mother has made my life a living hell since I have been with him. She gives a million reasons why she doesn't like him (although she has never met him). He is half asian and half jewish (neither of which are things about him that I ever thought would be an issue) however she will call me and scream at me, including racial slurs and antisemitic statements-- they are truly horrible and sometimes it makes me sick to hear the things that come our of her mouth.

She also watches my calls and texts. I am 22 years old and until about a year ago she has constantly checked my text messages, my calls, she watches my purchases and will make up arbitrary rules and patterns which she believes are real.

I have been under the guidance of a therapist for about 3 months now because I am terrified to go into adulthood and obtain and continue these patterns of abuse.

I have a father who is on my side but my mother pins us against each other. If she finds out I talk to my father about anything (even if he sends me a picture of my family dog) she will become enraged that I spoke to him and not to her.

And when I say enraged, I mean enraged. One year ago on New Years Eve, we were having a discussion at the dinner table and I happened to side with my father in this totally normal discussion and she lost her mind. She ended up screaming terrible things at me, threatened to jump out of our moving car and committed suicide. She locked herself in the bathroom when we got home and my father had to break down the door and she screamed bloody murder. She threatens divorce and total separation from us anytime something goes wrong.

She has 0 boundaries with me and sometimes I think that is my fault. Aside from having access to my texts, calls and social media, she inserts herself into my sex life as well. I have no privacy from her and when I ask for privacy she becomes crushed because she thinks I don't want to share anything with her.

Whenever there is an issue with us she turns it into guilt for me saying I think she's a terrible mother and that our relationship is ruined forever (usually she says this when I calmly tell her when something is bothering me or that I wish she would work with me and we could learn to communicate better).

She has had 2 major extreme outbursts in life and both times has threatened suicide in front of me and my little brother. It is something that still haunts me all the time and she never understands how serious the issues are--- she will brush it off and say "oh I was just angry and tired" and I am constantly confused and absolutely bewildered at how she doesn't understand the impact of her actions.

She has criticized everything about me my whole life from who I am dating, to my body to my friends and grades etc.

I am currently dealing with the likely 3rd largest explosion of hers. At the advice of my therapist, I bought a plane ticket with my own money to fly to Northern California to spend New Years Eve (a 3 day trip) with my boyfriend and best friend. Even though I will be with my family on Christmas break for 3 weeks, when I told my mother that I had bought the ticket she threatened to cut me off, told me I was entitled and, I quote "I'll make you feel it where it hurts when you learn what it's like to have to pay for your whole life". She told me she was freezing all my accounts and wouldn't pay for my college tuition anymore.

With the help of my therapist, boyfriend, brother and father I am working through all of this but sometimes it feels like too much. I am afraid to go home next week for the break and I am so tired of being held responsible for her happiness in life. Some days I feel like I am going insane and that I'm a prisoner in my own house and family.

It's good to see that I'm not alone in all of this but it doesn't make the "loving detachment" phase of this process any easier when she berates me and calls me terrible, terrible things.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi mc1313!   

Welcome!   I am really glad that you have joined us. Thank you so much for posting about your situation. You are NOT alone in what you are going through and have gone through. So much of what you described reminds me of my uBPDm. The rages and threats to jump out of the car and the suicide threats... .my mom did those things too and would lock herself in the bathroom as well! It's awful, isn't it? The images left in our hearts and souls do not go away easily. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this. No wonder you feel such anxiety about the thought of going home.   Anytime I would go to visit my uBPDm (she has since passed away), I would have terrible anxiety and nightmares.

Kudos to you for being in T!  That will be a huge source of help and guidance for you. To have a BPD parent rocks your world and how you see it. Please be patient and kind with yourself. It is not an overnight fix but a gradual increasing awareness on your part that will help you each step of the way. Don't expect to get it perfect right away, but you will get there.  When you interact with her, you will do well sometimes, then get pulled in to the drama other times. It has and does happen to all of us. It is normal that it is hard to learn who to trust with you are raised by a pwBPD.

I am currently under the clutches of my BP mom who for most of my life I was extremely close to. I realize I was part of the problem in some ways and enabled her for a long time. ... .  She has 0 boundaries with me and sometimes I think that is my fault.

These were some of my first thoughts when I began T and tried to make sense of my childhood. I constantly blamed myself for everything because growing up I was always blamed and took it on myself. In fact, I am still working on this part of my life as I go through my own journey to recovery. Think about something... .if your mom was the parent, and you the child, would you expect a little child to understand at all what enmeshment is? I look at my 4 year old grandson and see how innocent he is. I'm trying to say that this isn't your fault. She is the adult. You are the child. You and I learned to be dependent upon them, and we needed to do so in order to survive. It is all we knew. However, you are now seeing with new, clearer vision, and you are gaining understanding. It is normal that you are struggling with guilt.


Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Please be kind to yourself as you learn and grow. You and I and others who have a pwBPD desperately need kindness to be extended to our deepest needs.

Have you had a chance to look at the list on the right hand side of the board yet? It is great and full of info. Wherever you click it will open up into a larger window.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!
 
Wools

[GeekyGirl]

Hi mc1313,

You're definitely not alone here. As you learn more about BPD, you'll see that many of the things you described--the lack of privacy, the threats, and the rages, are behaviors that are common to people with BPD.

Coming here and posting is a great way to work out some of the frustration you're feeling. There are many like-minded folks here who are also feeling the effects of growing up with a parent with BPD. Like Woolspinner, I am glad to hear that you're in T--that will go a long way in helping you identify and work with your feelings. What have you been doing to take care of yourself?

The article on FOG is a good one; there is a lot of very helpful information on this site.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing.